I Was Vegan For 2h and Here’s What Happened

By Dakar Morris

I never understood why anyone would want to be a vegan until a week ago. Before that I was all too content with shoving large volumes of meat into my mouth. Choking on it, seeing how much my throat could contain in one sitting, swallowing the thick, sticky byproducts. Hell, sometimes I even ate animals. But all that changed when I attended a PETA rally in south Soho. You see, I never knew that by eating meat I was doing anything wrong. Like murder or kidnapping, it seemed harmless as long as I paid for the privilege. I never knew animals died to become food. I thought it was closer to Pokemon, where a chicken just sort of becomes boneless wings when it hits a certain level; or my neighbor’s dog disappears and we suddenly have steak for dinner (but that was a hard winter and I don’t want to talk about it). The rally shed a whole new light on the issue. Meat was murder. Everyone I knew and loved was basically Jeffrey Dahmer and that wasn’t okay.

I woke up the next morning renewed. This was my first day living a vegan lifestyle and I was very excited. I didn’t know of any vegan places at the time so I went to McDonald’s for my first meal. When I got there I was glad they had lots of vegan choices like: salad, sodas and fries. And before you judge, yes I know McDonald’s cooks their fries in animal fat, but I think it’s wonderful that they’re taking the initiative to help these animals slim down. That’s like extra vegan if you think about it, so I got a large order. When my food was ready I went to sit down near like-minded people, but was horrified to find out there wasn’t even a vegan section in that particular McDonald’s. Yelp score: 1 star. I ate quickly, praying that the barbaric meat eaters wouldn’t notice me and decide to make me their next meal. Thankfully, they kept their insatiable lust for flesh to a minimum and I was able to escape. What a close call. My first day of veganism was already off to a great start!

Pretty soon it was time for me to go to work and I was excited to show off my rockin’ new bod to all those jealous chodes at the office. I first spied my-coworker, Karen, snacking on a meat stick.

“Oh hey Karen,” I said. Veganism made me super nice, I even talked to Karen in public now. “Oh, you still eat animals? I mean, not to judge or anything, but that kind of makes you a bitch.” She just stared at me in disbelief. She must’ve been awestruck by the way I stood up to her. She had just opened her mouth, to thank me no doubt, when our supervisor David happened to walk up.

“What’s up, peons,” He greeted as usual. “What are you fat sacks of shit doing today?”

“I’m a vegan now.” I replied with a humble smile, making sure I was saying it loud enough so the whole office could hear how humble and nonchalant I was about being so much better than them.

“Good for you,” He said, patting me on the back much like one would a dog or a very likable prostitute. “Karen, why can’t you be more like Worker #701959242 here?” Then he slapped the Slim Jim right out of her disgusting carnivore talons. “Keep this up and you’ll be back on the streets Karen, I mean it.”

After we put Karen in her place, I went to work. I sent emails to everyone in the office telling them that they’re all definitely going to hell for eating animals and it was gonna be sad to watch the devil force them to swallow his meat, but whatever, it’s not my place to judge. Having felt so fulfilled for having alerted every one of their sins, I decided to leave work seven-and-a-half hours early. I knew David would understand. He’s the only one who wasn’t a complete fucking idiot.

But on my way home, I noticed my good friends PETA protesting outside of a Kardashian book signing. I was so overjoyed that I swung the car across three lanes of traffic and over 2 sidewalks, ending the lives of eight pedestrians in the process, but they all probably ate meat anyway so they more than likely deserved it. I got out of the car and ran up to hug the cult leader, but instead of being greeted with cheers and kisses, I was drenched in deer blood from a bucket they threw at me. It wasn’t even vegan deer blood substitute!

“Murderer!” They screamed at me.

“What? What are you talking about?” I begged. “I’m one of you! I’m a good noodle!”

“You’re wearing a polar bear fur coat, raccoon hat, and your shoes are literally stuffed housecats.”

I could not believe they were being so judgmental! I thought being vegan was about being nice and accepting one another, not throwing shade because of the way a person dresses! I got back in my car—ruining the authentic leather seats with deer blood might I add—and sped off. Well actually I spun around and ran over as many PETA members as I could, and then I sped off. I had never felt so betrayed. I decided I owed someone a serious apology. I went back to my office and walked right up to Karen.

“Karen,” I said with tears in my eyes. “I have something to say…”

“Yes?” She asked hopefully.

“I need to apologize—“

“I accept!” She blurted out before I finished.

“—To David. I’m not vegan anymore. Could you give him the memo? Thankies.” And with that I drove off to enjoy a nice wholesome meal at my local, organic Taco Bell.