Hofstra’s 5 Hottest Cults

By Tyler Barragan

An excerpt from The Hofstra Issue!

#5 The Followers of  Dionysus

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    Bringing that devil may care aesthetic to Hofstra, The Followers of Dionysus are here. Sporting clothes drenched in sweat and vomit, smelling of Four Loko, these thirsty youngsters are just looking for a good time. So if you are looking for a time you probably won’t remember look no further because this is what you’re looking for.

#4 The Children of Baphomet

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   We all know that black is coming back this year and so do The Children. These stylish hell spawn worshipping heathens dawning fabulous black robes and a fetching pentagram carved in their chests know how to keep it classy. Keeping up with the hot trends of beheading your enemies and selling your immortal soul for earthly pleasures this club is heading for the big times. So if you’re looking for your dream to be fulfilled simply sacrifice a goat and chant the Hofstra almamater and join The Children of Baphomet.

#3 Stuart’s Goblin Army

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    It seems our President Stuart “Rootin Tootin” Rabinowitz  himself has been instrumental in the foundation of this cult. Stuart’s Goblin Army is hitting the scene in style; sporting that business casual look with blazers and converse with pockets overflowing with embezzled club funds. These cute red skinned, sharp tusked little buggers are so devoted Goblin King Stuart Rabinowitz that they get their foreskin sewed back on to resemble their leader. So if you’re ready to be replaced by a little red imp monster and spend the rest of your time here at Hofstra locked away in the dungeon of Hofstra Hall than simply run for election into Stuart’s Goblin Army.

#2 Hofstra Versus Zombies

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    HVZ, need I say more, these guys know how to bring glamour back to Hofstra. Of course to really get to know these guys you best be in HVZ because they tend to stick together. Keeping it hip in their fedoras, face paint, and those absolutely dashing Attack on Titan capes these guys take to Hofstra’s campus in a big way. Even if you don’t know them personally they’ll make sure to let you know they’re there because those nerf darts are going to hit you if the members don’t run into you first. So if you’re ready to have the whole campus looking at you, join HVZ.

#1 Nonsense Humor

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    If self-indulgence were style, these kicky youngsters would be Jacqueline Onassis. Dressed in the finest silks that probably have their club name on them or something, these kids sure know how to let you know they exist. Super meta, these people are the best known cult on campus—breaking down what it really means to be a cult. Traditionally, cults are meant to be secretive, so shouting about boners on the unispan dressed like an indie rock singer may seem counterproductive. This is what makes them the best.