By Zachary Johnson
An excerpt from The 2015 Fall Sampler!
My father died fifteen years ago today in a horrific motorboating accident. It’s taken some time for me to get over it. I mean, I was four at the time, so my memories of it aren’t too strong. But as my therapist will tell you, it certainly had an impact on my life.
“Freud tells us that homosexuality comes from an absent father,” he says. “The reason you’re gay is because you never had a dad growing up.” I mean, he has the degree and I don’t, so the man must be right. To tell you the truth, I’ve never really felt like I was attracted to men… but my mom used to tell me the doctor is always right, so I never felt the need to question him.
Honoring the wonderful gift that my father gave me on the anniversary of his death, here I was on Grindr, scrolling through Hofstra’s ever-replenishing resources of twinks that want to be actors, when all of a sudden I found this:
I mean wow. What a perfect gift on the day of my father’s death! It’s like Grindr finally made sense! After all the dick pics from 30 year old men and the faceless abdomens who sent you 33 “heys” in 2 minutes, I finally understood the point of the app: Everyone on there was looking for the father figure they never had!
This could be my cure! Maybe if I found a stable father figure, God would finally love me again! I knew I had to message him immediately!
“hey.” I said at 2:21.
“hi blue eyes,” He said back at 2:22. “very sexy wow.”
Finally, a paternal figure who knew how to boost my self-confidence!
“I’ve always wanted a dad,” I said.
“want to watch me play with my big meat?”
It’s like all my dreams of father-son barbecues and marinating steaks had finally come true. “No, dad,” I said. “I’d like to help you tenderize it myself.”
“U pitch or catch? U look like a little pitcher bitch.”
Tears came to my eyes, as I took the mitt out from under my pillow where it had been for fifteen long years. Luckily I was already sufficiently broken in! I’ve always wanted to play baseball, and I liked that my dad knew when to use derogatory terms for women to playfully insult my skill. What more could I ask for?
So we decided to meet up in the parking lot of Western Beef (just a short walk from Mineola station!) in an hour. I could hardly contain my excitement. But what would I wear?
Eventually I decided on a short-cut pair of gym shorts, just in case we ended up doing something physical, and a crop top shirt so I could show my dad that I had strong abs. Then I wondered what kind of athletics he was into. Sure, if he liked sports then I was all prepared for that, but what if he was a swimmer or a triathlete? I put my speedo on, just in case, and then swapped out my gym shorts for a nice, tight pair of short-cut biker shorts. I also then took the time to shave my chest, crotch, and legs so I could show him I knew all about swimming!
Happy and positively buzzing from the softness of my smooth, hairless body, I took the bus to Mineola Station, and wandered around the parking lot. I was just about to message him and ask where he was, when a huge, muscly man came up behind me and ran his hand up my newly shaven thighs.
“God damn you’ve got a nice ass, don’t you?”
I was so glad my dad was complementing me on my body tone, I didn’t even know how to respond. Without another word, he pulled me into his car and we drove off. I was so excited to have a new dad that I didn’t know how to make conversation at first. My dad must have sensed my nervousness, and tenderly put a hand on my thigh.
“You like that?”
“Oh yes, dad!” I said. “I’ve been waiting my whole life to be touched by my father.”
When we finally arrived at his house, he sat down on the couch and insisted I sit on his lap.
“Dad, don’t you think I’m a little old for this?”
“Nonsense,” He said. “Why don’t we get you out of those shorts?”
“How did you know?” I said, stripping down into my Speedo. Boy was I lucky I thought of that at the last minute! “I just can’t wait to go swimming with you dad!”
“Swimming?” My dad said, raising an eyebrow. “Well… you won’t need your swim suit for that.”
My father pulled me close to him again, and as I shifted around in his lap, I started to feel that he had an erection. It was then that I knew something was wrong. I took one look at his large, bulging, sweaty muscles and shook my head.
“Dad… have you been taking steroids?” My own father, suffering an erection from the increased testosterone levels in his body! I had to help him. “Dad, you know there are better ways to bulk up, right?”
He turned me to face him, so my thighs were sandwiched around his stomach. “Like physical activity?” He winked.
“Well… it depends. If you mean cardio… well it’s good for you but I mean, weightlifting is definitely where you want to put your focus.”
“So that’s how you like it, eh?”
Just as my dad put his hands on my legs and slid them back to cup the bulge of my newly shaven ass cheeks, his front door exploded open.
“Get out of my son!” A gruff voice said, and my real dad, my biological dad, walked in the doorway wearing sunglasses and a nice leather jacket.
“Dad!” I screamed, overcome with tears of joy. “Dad, you’re alive!”
“I came back from the dead, son. I came back just for you. I couldn’t… I couldn’t bear to watch you HAVE GAY SEX WITH THIS MAN.”
I looked at my surrogate father in shock. Did this man really just want me for sex?
“What the hell is going on here?” My surrogate father asked.
“Divine intervention,” My father said. And then I saw the halo.
My dad is Jesus?
“Everyone’s dad is Jesus,” Jesus said.
How did you hear me say that?
“Jesus can hear everyone’s thoughts. Now lets get you out of here, and lets teach this homosexual a lesson of two. A rough lesson,” Jesus winked.
A few moments later, we were off, riding on the two-man bicycle that Jesus had parked out front. My surrogate dad sat in the back, and I straddled Jesus in the front as we made our way to the motel room Jesus had booked in Hicksville, but not before making a quick stop in the Utopia 18+ section!
Now, instead of one dad, I have two! It’s like I knew it in my heart all along… I’ve always had two dads inside of me, way, way deep inside of me. And I hope that’s the way it’ll always be.