Arm Public Safety: An Editorial

By Steve Sourdough

An excerpt from The Hofstra Issue!

Hey there fellas! Whatchu guys up to on this part of campus at this time of night? Not getting into any trouble I hope. Can I see your IDs? Just joshing you there. I’m off duty. Off duty Steve Sourdough, head of operations for Public Safety is a pretty chill guy. Very chill. You should still let me see that ID though. If you haven’t done anything wrong you have nothing to hide. I am GOD KING of SHIT MOUNTAIN here on these 240 acres, and my authority will not be challenged! I did not quit being a police officer, entirely unrelated to a wrongful death suit, so some Fine Arts Education major can gaze upon me with derision. Joshing again. I’m not here to talk to you about that. I’m here to talk to you about our boys in khaki. I’m here to talk about guns.

Large flocks of birds and/or frat brothers loitering outside your window when you’re trying to sleep? Is Hempstead foreign and scary to you? Do you walk to and from class without fearing for your life? These are all problems that can be fixed if my men are allowed the simple concession of a functioning service weapon, to discharge at their fat discretion. Do you know how hard it is to chase you youngsters around, when you have two perfectly functioning supple young people legs and we have what amounts to wooden ottoman stumps jutting from our lower bodies? This will even the score and ensure safety. I am not at liberty to comment on whose, but there will be safety, oh yes. Safety is our last name, hyuk hyuk! I understand that guns are banned on campus, and it will remain that way—for you! Nothing stops a bad guy without a gun better than a good guy WITH a gun. And by good I mean a deeply frustrated middle aged guy with a ruddy complexion, who gave up just sooo so much.

I want to be able to shoot you all.

Yours in service,

Steve Sourdough, Hofstra Public Safety Head of Operations