By Veronica Toone
Here’s a list of five guys you might have met on Tinder had Hofstra not decided that we were children incapable of choosing our own web content.
1. The “Mr. Fedorable”
Maybe it’s something in the way he combs the stray hairs in his neck beard, and how they’re never quite right. Or perhaps it’s the fact that his hands always have motherfucking Dorito crumbs on them, regardless of whether or not he has just eaten Doritos. Maybe it’s the stained My Little Pony t-shirt, or maybe it’s the jorts. Regardless, something about him just puts you off. He calls you beautiful, he strokes your ego; but somehow you think he’s really just stroking his metaphorical penis. He may or may not compare you to his waifu. You’re afraid to reject him, as you’re sure that he’ll either fall into a downward spiral of unmitigated depression and frustration, or he’ll go into a “friendzone” tailspin, shouting saliva-filled obscenities into his Xbox headset. Stay away from this guy. Film major.
TYPICAL TINDER NAME: Young Master Kyle (Xx_Underdog2395_xX)
TYPICAL PROFILE PIC: Sitting on his computer chair, fedora tilted at a seductive angle. Usually clutching a rose.
2. The “My Dad’s Paying in Full”
He’s willing to buy you dinner. But don’t count yourself too lucky: he was willing to pay for his whole building to install AC units in the rooms so he wouldn’t be too hot. His car costs more than your soul and he would never brag about it, though the blazer entirely made out of $100 bills says more than enough. Accounting major.
TYPICAL TINDER NAME: Scott J. Bronson III
TYPICAL PROFILE PIC: Standing next to some politician with a thumbs-up and a goofy grin, as though some potential employer will see it and actually care.
3. The “Weedwhacker”
Once a promising individual, this man stumbled into a Supreme store on accident and never left. It’s likely that any day, either his lungs or the muscles in his right arm will simply stop working, but somehow he powers through. He wears a bucket hat to hide his hair loss, and though you’ll have a special place in his heart, his smoking/jerking arm will always precede his love for you. Fucked his bong once on accident. Or was it? Business major.
TYPICAL TINDER NAME: Based Gavin
TYPICAL PROFILE PIC: A blurry picture of what appears to be a young man, with a quote underneath it that reads, “You must love yourself before you love others.”
4. The “Giuseppe”
An overused meme of a human. He makes “The Situation” look diffused. A true Long Island fanatic, he’s really from Superior, Nebraska, and thinks this is how all Long Islanders behave. Was featured in several episodes of The Jersey Shore as a wasted extra. Most likely has the Italian flag emoji in his description. Likes a finger in the ass, but not too far: any more than two inches is gay.
TYPICAL TINDER NAME: Paulyyyyyy 😉
TYPICAL PROFILE PIC: A Day-Glo orange man with an NWA cap worn on the side, standing in front of a mirror without a shirt on. His lips say “kiss me” but his eyes say “help.”
5. The “Brainwashed” Democrat
Trying way too hard to be normal, this young gentleman comes from a family where tattoos are bad and casual human sex is right up there with fucking Hitler’s severed head in public. Possibly suffering from serious mental trauma, the “Brainwashed” Democrat won the “Most Likely to be Hiding a Naked Dead Girl in His Trunk” award in high school. He’s been backpacking since he was four, and secretly promised himself to get as crunk as possible in the first few months of freshman year. Political science major.
TYPICAL TINDER NAME: Tom
TYPICAL PROFILE PIC: A young man standing alone in front of a statue of an unimportant historical figure. Sometimes he’s smiling, but mostly he’s showing the true pain he feels inside.