By Zach Klebaner
This holiday season Nonsense would like to present its readers with a comprehensive guide on how to celebrate the holiday’s. Here it is.
New Years Day
Ah yes. New Years. The day the world has designated to get lights out drunk and “celebrate” the past year of their existence. Whether you had a great year or a terrible year – you’re likely to be found with a bottle in your hand and a stranger in your bed on this special day.
The Prophet’s Birthday
I had one of those once.
Stephen Foster Memorial Day
“Who’s Stephen Foster?” is a question you might be asking and let me tell you: this is the man that wrote that “Camptown Ladies” song. I personally celebrated this holiday by googling Stephen Foster and getting high as fuck. There were no ladies, Camptown or otherwise.
Orthodox New Year
I recently learned that there is a second New Year. I celebrate this one the same way I celebrate the first one.
This holiday celebrates Robert E. Lee and Thomas J. “Stonewall” Jackson on their respective birthdays. It was for a time awkwardly combined with the celebration of Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday because that made sense.
Mississippi State Holiday
Mississippi celebrates its own existence on a yearly basis. I’m. Not. Fucking. Kidding.
National Freedom Day
I celebrate this holiday by killing everyone I don’t like. Because freedom.
I always watch one movie on this day. I think you know the one.
Pulp Fiction. Great movie. Definitely worth the watch.
Rosa Parks Day
I sit in the front of the bus on this day.
I watch the movie Valentine’s Day all day long – on repeat – and jerk off…also on repeat. I only stop when I can’t cum anymore or the power company turns off my electricity.
Chinese New Year
I just get really drunk. Again. But this time with access to dangerous explosives. The bottle is a rocket and the stranger in my bed has no arm.
(For the editor—there should be a space or some other use or space to indicate that this one is passing over to the next one. Erase this after reading it. Or don’t. Maybe it’s funnier if we just leave this shit intact—Matt)
Haha like I pay that shit.
Confederate Memorial Holiday
To celebrate America’s glorious past.
Cinco de Mayo
Celebrated by getting drunk. Often celebrated by people who don’t understand the context and significance of the holiday and whose closest association with Mexican culture is eating Chipotle and drinking a Corona.
Suddenly realizing how much you owe your mom followed by going back to your usual lack of appreciation like the selfish brat that you are.
Not to be confused with Doughnut Day. Which, surprisingly, has actual significance also related to wartime events but your fat, dumb ass probably wouldn’t know that.
On this day many reflect on the father figure that is absent in their life. Many also consider the reasons for their absence.
The Fourth of July
Something happened on this day a while back so let’s fire off some Goddam fireworks and get drunk as shit. ‘Murica.
Fuck ISIS. ‘Murica.
National Grandparents Day
A terribly glazed over holiday. Many forget to call their grandparents on this day not unlike every other day of the year…’Murica.
Jewish New Year
Get drunk and awkwardly murmur prayers.
On this day we celebrate Christopher Columbus and his ability to find Asia. I personally celebrate by discovering my neighbors toilet paper and non-perishable goods and bringing them back to my apartment.
Nobody celebrates this holiday…unless they’re a boss. And even then…probably not.
The Nonsense Scavenger Hunt
“If you can remember it then you didn’t do the scavenger hunt right” – Ancient Nonsense Proverb
Eat lots of candy. Cause, why not?
On this joyous day people gather round with family and friends and celebrate the conquering of an indigenous population.
An extravagant celebration of American commercialism. Common celebratory practices include going out at ridiculous hours to purchase the-generally-expensive-but-cheap-for-the occasion-because-the-company-didn’t-sell-quite-enough-this-year items, fighting over parking spaces, fighting over the last television set you just need to get, and trampling over people in the craze over cheaply priced items. Bring a Taser!
Lacks the fun of large crowds and fights over trivial matters associated with Black Friday. Definitely a less extravagant way to celebrate American commercialism. Still complain over social media, though.
Yes, the “c” is fucking silent. This holiday lasts 8 days. I celebrate by lighting up the rest of my weed and hoping it lasts the 8 more days I have left till my next paycheck in an attempt to recreate the miracle of Judah M’Applepipe. You get it? I smoke weed.
New Years Eve
Let the drinking commence.
All Other Holidays
Let the drinking commence.
This concludes Nonsense’s list on how to celebrate the holiday’s. I hope you enjoyed and will reference this guide in the future whenever the holiday’s come round and you’re lost on how to celebrate. Thanks for reading and enjoy the holidays. Be safe!