By Zachary Johnson
Admitting that they can get the same exact food tomorrow at a much more reasonable time, an ungodly proportion of the student body lined up tonight in Hofstra’s cramped, dingy cafeteria for the bi-annual Late Night Breakfast.
“I’ve got to write four papers, take two finals, and suck three professor’s dicks tomorrow,” Sean McCoy, Hofstra Class of 2017 member is reported as saying. “I took a break from doing all of my important work so I could pour free food into my garbage body the same way Compass employees pour those pre-scrambled eggs out of a plastic milk carton.”
Attendance was noted as being higher than ever before, as students with nothing better to do on a Monday night in the midst of the most intensively stressful week of the academic year, flocked in droves to the event in order to consume the same mediocre fare they could just as easily get at a more convenient time. According to reports, lines stretched past the entrance and back to the commuter’s lounge where desperate, broke, stressed, soul-sucked urchins gathered in literal depravity.
“I’m going to sneak in these tupperware containers that Compass employees made me buy,”says Senior Abbey Downs,”And steal as much shitty plastic food as my stubby little arms can carry. And then I’m gonna fuck someone in the library. Maybe then I’ll feel okay enough to write my thesis paper.”
“The time of year surrounding the Late Night Breakfast is infamous for the quirky ways in which the stress gets to our students and causes psychological harm. They’re so cute!” says a Hofstra spokesperson, Randy Goodman. “As the University who put this stress-intensive system with potentially harmful repercussions into place, we decided that the only possible thing we could do to help is to give them a lot of free, really shitty food that they could honestly just get the next day when some poor employee slides open the student center’s solemn, wrought iron gates for another day of despair.”
In regards to the number of low value, stale bagels that will be just as available in the cafeteria tomorrow that we were allowed to take, however, Goodman very firmly screamed “ONE! ONE BAGEL!” while making a very rigid “1” sign with his baby-carrot fingers.
The student body seemed to have a generally mild reception to waiting in a very long, tiring line to get the same sloppy mulch they can shovel into their tear-stained maws at literally any time the following morning. Some even appeared to smile.
“It’s free, and they have a DJ,”Hofstra Pride mascot Kate Hofstra is reported as saying. “Otherwise I can’t think of any reason that any human being would want to come to this event. I’m only here because OSLE keeps my heart in a small jar, and this costume is really just actually sewn into my skin.”
At press time, students were reportedly able to get in early by degrading themselves on social media with arbitrary hashtags.