“Money Is Tight” Says Administrator With Near Million Dollar Salary

By Zachary Johnson

In an op-ed piece published last year in Hofstra’s student-run newspaper (whose name we are expressly forbidden to mention) University President Stuart Rabinowitz discussed with a Hofstra student the prospect of funding LIRR transportation for internships. Students argue that since Hofstra markets itself on proximity to New York City and potential internship opportunities therein, they should fund transportation as students may end up paying thousands of dollars while commuting.

According to reports, President Rabinowitz considered that kind of structural change impractical. “Money is tight,” said the University President who takes in about a million dollars a year at a school that is technically registered as a non-profit. “It’s not like we’ve got a lot of money we can just give away like that.”

“I’ve crunched all the numbers myself, and there just doesn’t seem to be anywhere that we could be making any cuts,” said Hofstra President and Trustee Mr. Monopoly Man who was paid the EXACT AMOUNT of $981,546 in the year 2012 (you can see a screenshot from that page here) as his total compensation and it’s quite possible that number has gone up in following years while the salaries of private school presidents have continued to rise.

Under the President’s guidance, Hofstra University has announced a new Master Plan™ in order to raise funds, but has been typically quiet about the details. Effectively since most Universities often seem to function as microcosms for the real world that are just as disappointing and terrifying behind the scenes, the President considers Hofstra’s lack of funds akin to a mini-model of the economy.

“We have to face the fact that we’re in a sort of recession ourselves and we’ve got to correct it. We won’t find a solution from cutting obscene salaries, because as the real world has shown us, if those at the top are making an obscene amount of money then the wealth will trickle down to the proletariat and everyone will be totally happy and content with no problems at all.”

The President seeks to redesign the University’s admission process, which currently functions mostly by giving out many scholarships based on academic merit to a fuckton of prospective students who are first harassed with monthly postcards begging them to come to Hofstra.

“We’ve become too caught up on social entitlement programs like this,” President Goldman Sachs says. “If you want to be somewhere like Hofstra you’ve got to work hard by having your parents already make a lot of money. We can’t just keep handing out all these scholarship dollars, or accurately funding the school newspaper or something. We’ve got to continue putting our stock in the hopes that I will single-handedly save this University by aggressively waving our dick until people think we’re associated with Ivy League schools,” said the esteemed Hofstra President, a large cave-dwelling treasure-hoarding dragon,who besides being President and Trustee at Hofstra, serves as the director on two company executive boards, which he probably takes home enough money from that he could live really excessively comfortably if for some reason with unknown probable benefit he were to be making a little less money at Hofstra University.

“For now though, we’ll just have to continue spending our money responsibly” said the President.

At press time Hofstra University announced that they would be importing ten thousand dollar trees from Europe that will be installed over by Hagedorn Hall where no one will ever see them.  smalllogo

Campus Douchebags Assemble To Protest Hoverboard Ban

By Zachary Johnson

In light of Hofstra’s continued fear of things it doesn’t understand, a group of students has organized themselves to protest the University’s recent ban on Hoverboards. Nearly two hundred students, all male, wearing sweatpants and muscle shirts, assembled early this winter morning outside the student center with picket signs and catchy slogans.

“I’m not afraid of no cold!” Daniel “The Man” Abrams said while taking a drag off of his “My Dad Paid in Full”-flavored vape. “I’m out here for the cause!”

“Yeeeey yeeeyy!” His fellow protestors echoed, patting each other viciously on their smooth, prominent muscles. Their hands then collectively trailed down each other’s well-worked backs, tracing the curves of their spines down to nice, squat-formed, bouncy buttocks. The group then laughed their momentary homoeroticism off as a joke, because jokes about straight guys pretending to be attracted to each other are still funny in 2016.

“We earned these Hoverboards fair and square!” shouts a member of Hofstra’s basketball team, who received their team budget in cash and spent what would amount to hundreds of dollars on the infamous handless segways. “Hofstra is banning the future!”

The Hoverboard ban comes after an intense onslaught of Hoverboard-related injuries across campus, but according to reports the injuries aren’t the only reason for the prohibition.

“Let me ask you something,” the Dean of Students said in a press conference this morning. “Have you noticed anything different at Hofstra lately? Trails of vape smoke drifting through south campus? Waiting lines in the gym’s weight room at all the machines except the leg press? An increase of ridiculous muscle cars roaring through parking lots late at night? These things have always been here, these individuals have always been among us but never in the numbers we’re seeing now. Hofstra is experiencing record amounts of douchebaggery, and it’s high time we put an end to it if we want to continue begging America’s brightest to start thinking of us as their backup school. This ban is one step forward, and I don’t wanna hear any of you fuckers pretending you wouldn’t have done the same goddamn thing.”

“I think the Dean’s comments were a little harsh,” said Sean “Chicken Legs” Williams. “I know I’m gonna get shit for this but like, maybe she’s just on her period? My girlfriend is on hers right now and she won’t even let me try butt-stuff.”

At press time the group protest immediately dissolved to catcall the women’s basketball team on their way to just get some fucking breakfast.  smalllogo