By Zachary Johnson
In light of Hofstra’s continued fear of things it doesn’t understand, a group of students has organized themselves to protest the University’s recent ban on Hoverboards. Nearly two hundred students, all male, wearing sweatpants and muscle shirts, assembled early this winter morning outside the student center with picket signs and catchy slogans.
“I’m not afraid of no cold!” Daniel “The Man” Abrams said while taking a drag off of his “My Dad Paid in Full”-flavored vape. “I’m out here for the cause!”
“Yeeeey yeeeyy!” His fellow protestors echoed, patting each other viciously on their smooth, prominent muscles. Their hands then collectively trailed down each other’s well-worked backs, tracing the curves of their spines down to nice, squat-formed, bouncy buttocks. The group then laughed their momentary homoeroticism off as a joke, because jokes about straight guys pretending to be attracted to each other are still funny in 2016.
“We earned these Hoverboards fair and square!” shouts a member of Hofstra’s basketball team, who received their team budget in cash and spent what would amount to hundreds of dollars on the infamous handless segways. “Hofstra is banning the future!”
The Hoverboard ban comes after an intense onslaught of Hoverboard-related injuries across campus, but according to reports the injuries aren’t the only reason for the prohibition.
“Let me ask you something,” the Dean of Students said in a press conference this morning. “Have you noticed anything different at Hofstra lately? Trails of vape smoke drifting through south campus? Waiting lines in the gym’s weight room at all the machines except the leg press? An increase of ridiculous muscle cars roaring through parking lots late at night? These things have always been here, these individuals have always been among us but never in the numbers we’re seeing now. Hofstra is experiencing record amounts of douchebaggery, and it’s high time we put an end to it if we want to continue begging America’s brightest to start thinking of us as their backup school. This ban is one step forward, and I don’t wanna hear any of you fuckers pretending you wouldn’t have done the same goddamn thing.”
“I think the Dean’s comments were a little harsh,” said Sean “Chicken Legs” Williams. “I know I’m gonna get shit for this but like, maybe she’s just on her period? My girlfriend is on hers right now and she won’t even let me try butt-stuff.”
At press time the group protest immediately dissolved to catcall the women’s basketball team on their way to just get some fucking breakfast.