Hofstra Republicans’ Ronald Reagan Cutout In Voyeurism Scandal

By Alex Luber

It was a typical Saturday night spent inside for Hofstra Juniors Michael Groban and Beverly Sims, but a late night visit from a life sized cutout of President Ronald Reagan spoiled the evening for them, appearing at the foot of their bed and emitting a faint hissing sound. As president, Ronald Reagan was known for his highly divisive endorsement of “Trickle-Down Economics” (Nicknamed “Reaganomics) as well as his “Peace through strength” diplomatic policies and influence over the emergent punk rock scene. However, on the Hofstra Campus, his likeness is now known for appearing in the bedrooms of couples engaging in pre-marital sexual intercourse. Several reports note that he mostly stares in silence, not speaking until the zeitgeist of the room all but demands that he speak. (AIDS. Reagan didn’t say stuff about AIDS.)

“It was very scary,” said Beverly Sims of Nassau Residence Hall, “He just showed up out of nowhere.” Michael Groban, Sims’ boyfriend of five months, confirmed that when he tried to move the cutout back into the hallway, it reappeared five minutes later. “His facial expression just got angrier,” noted Groban.

This is the forth instance this month of the 40th president’s cutout intruding in on the sexual relations of Hofstra couples, and while some believe these disturbances to be exclusive to the Hofstra campus, there have been three unconfirmed Reagan sightings in the greater Hempstead area over the past year.

Public Safety has been informed of the situation, though prior experiences with the cutout of the former Hollywood star and two-term Governor of California have become less than sporadic. One Public Safety officer, who wishes to remain anonymous, recalls seeing Reagan occupying a classroom on the second floor of Breslin Hall late one Wednesday night. When students arrived in the room for class the next morning, Reagan was gone. Left behind were the words “samtsirhC nO raW a si erehT” written on the board.

While the story remains ongoing, The College Republicans of Hofstra University have thus far declined to comment