By Spencer Charlotte
An excerpt from “Nonsense 4 Kidz”
14% of elementary school educators get accused of sexual harassment at some point in their teaching careers. Here’s how you can get yours! Follow these ten simple steps and you too can earn a life of no homework and no worries.
1. Make eye contact
Bitches love eye contact and your teacher is definitely a bitch. Stare her down like you’re trying to see those saggy nips. Hopefully she’ll return the favor.
2. Fake an illness
“Miss Jones, my dick and berries are feeling a little sore.” Sure, she’ll be weirded out, but you’re nine and you need help.
3. Start wearing shorter and shorter clothes to school
When your mom says, “Jimmy, those are your four year old sister’s shorts,” hit her up with some gender conformity shit. Make your liberal mom feel bad for hindering your journey.
4. Spend your recess indoors 😉
5. Ask her about her recent divorce
Make sure to call her Missus Jones each time so she HAS to correct you.
6. Write her long and unnecessarily personal cards each week using the writing skills you’ve been developing in class
eCards? Hallmark? The fucking handwriting paper with the dotted lines on it? Screw that! You took hooked on phonics for christ’s sake, your mom reminds you every fucking day that she spent so much money to make you smarter than all of her friend’s kids. Call Ms. Jones the hell out for not putting you in Advanced Writing 3 and don’t forget to add as many “XOXO”s as you can fit. Hand it to her with a wink!
7. Act dumb so you can stick around after class
Your teacher thinks you’re a fucking idiot anyway. What’s two plus two? Seven, bitch. “Jimmy, I think you need to stay after class.” Good. I’ll stay after class. I’ll stay all night.
8. Don’t tell your parents to pick you up
Give them a vacation to Cancun to relive their college years. Someone’s gonna have to give you a ride home.
9. Take pictures of yourself
All of yourself. Use your gym stretches for inspiration.
10. Go in for the kill
Here we are. The last step. Take all the hate you have for your teacher and march into the principal’s office. Hand in the envelope of pictures and say it’s for Miss Jones. Your principal will call a class assembly and all your classmates will verify that you’re her teacher’s pet. After all, you two are always making weird eye contact and she does always keep you for special help. After three to ten short interviews with the cops and therapists you’re on your way to getting that hot sub to fill in for the entire spring.