I Really Need Someone Who Is Reading This To Buy Me A Sink

By Quin Asselin


Hey, how are ya? My name is Brenda Stephenson. You may have heard of my cousin, the author Neal Stephenson. No? That’s fine cause that isn’t the point. The point here is: I need a sink and one of you should give it to me. Check on your local Craigslist for, “Sinks for Sale!” it only takes a few minutes. Then when you find one, send it my way.

I formerly lived a life in the small town of Douglas, Massachusetts. It’s a nice small town where everyone knows each other, with a little general store in the center of town, and a single gas station where the prices are way too high. It’s a place I’d love to go back to someday. Sadly, I’ll never be able to go back there… not without a sink at least. Hell, not even a kitchen sink. If you can get me a bathroom sink, I’d be willing to try it out.

Why not go to Lowe’s and get myself a sink? Good question. After all, it sounds perfectly reasonable for me to stretch my slowly withering legs; waltz over to the Kittie-Cat cookie jar, my world’s last vestige of comfort; and take out the final two-hundred-fourteen dollars I have to my name to buy that sink and return all to normal. So why not go ahead and do that? In response I say: Mind your own goddamn sink and get me a business. Buying a sink sounds simple. Don’t get me wrong it certainly is for someone in your circumstances, but for me, it’s just not possible.

Sorry for the curse word. I used to be better than this. Notice how I didn’t edit out that line with a swear in it? That’s how rough and tumble the world has made me since I’ve left my home. Really anything that’s metal and can hold water is what I want. I’m not picky. I’m a bright gal, I can pass it off as a sink to these people. The point is I need some kind of sink. Any kind of help-sink and I’d be so grateful.

Even the best of us make some mistakes in life and while I’m by no means the best, these people will do things to me that even the worst people don’t deserve. I used to have a cute little beagle that my late husband insisted on naming Dennis, you know after “Dennis the Menace” (I tried to say no but he wouldn’t have it). Funnily enough two weeks ago I narrowly escaped three vicious Rottweilers and I used to think they were so pretty too.

Look at this girl:


She’s so sweet isn’t she? That’s my niece, Ashley is her name. She is on the local cheerleading team in a small Massachusetts town similar to the one I used to call home. She’s on the Honor Roll for Pete’s sake! I’ll never be able to see her again. Why? Because I need a sink from one of you readers. I don’t know where this will find its place but please… Perhaps you could get a series of shovels and other gardening tools right? Then take all of those and put them together to make a sink bowl. All I need after that is some water and a stick to pass of as the faucet.

Just one sink can change a human’s life unimaginably. I need just one simple mechanism that can hold water in a sink mimicking fashion. We all are a little down on our luck sometimes, but without a sink, these people are gonna find me and I’ll never be able to pick myself back up. Think I’m crazy? Well think again because it’s true, these people are maniacs and will stop at nothing to get their retribution. All I need is one simple sink and it will all go away. I don’t need anything but the kitchen sink. My life is in your hands.