By Zachary Johnson
If you like walking down streets, you surely have felt the irrational paranoia that a hungry sea beast with a crown and two tails is watching you from inside of a lighted storefront sign, waiting for the right moment to pounce upon you. Chances are, you’re correct; this is the marker for popular coffee shop chain, Starbucks, and the brilliance of caging a rare and majestic beast in a glass prison outside each store location is part of what makes the company so great! But if you haven’t worked for the great and powerful Starbucks, you don’t know the bowel-clenching terror you might induce in the paid workers by accidentally doing one of the things on this list that I wrote at work.
1. Expecting That You Can Order A Coffee Or Something To Eat
The goals of a coffee shop and Starbucks are very different. A coffee shop is a place where you can buy things, Starbucks is a place where people sit and wait for death to come while I get paid to watch.
2. Making The Noise At Me With Your Face Mouth
Stop that. Step back from the register and get out of line. Do you have any idea how long I’ve been here? I’ve been standing in this spot shirking my responsibilities for 3 hours now, I’m incredibly stressed out and n o w y o u ‘ r e h e r e.
3. Being Specific About Wanting Me To Do Something
I’m at work, dude. If you are thirsty and in need of coffee, that’s fine, it smells like that here. But if you’re planning on asking me to brew it for you or serve it to you or whatever the hell stupid shit, please don’t. Make the job of the employee easier by just sitting down, and being satisfied with the aroma of coffee as it dances wistfully between your nose-pits.
4. Touching Papa Starbucks’s 1st Place Korean War Trophy, Or Telling Him That Surviving Vietnam Was Worse
We know—The Korean War will never be as popular to discuss the horrors of as the Vietnam War, but Papa’s trophy makes him very happy. Touching the trophy, or proclaiming that the Vietnam War was much more of an atrocity isn’t going to change the fact that this isn’t Dunkin’ Donuts.
5. Asking To See The Key To The City of Albany
The mayor of Albany takes the key for a walk pretty often. Just because he chose me, a person fine with complaining about stupid shit in a listicle under the guise of an unpaid “journalism career”, to carry around his dumb key sometimes doesn’t mean I’ve got to show it to you. Also, don’t ask me to smell it. I wouldn’t hide it from you if it had an interesting smell in any way so just be patient until it develops one.
6. Requesting That I Give Away Some Of This Money We Made Today Instead Of Just Burning It Out Back
Yes, I burn all of the profits we make every day. Yes, my boss doesn’t know. I know all of these things, and I know that it’s a waste, but that doesn’t mean you get to try and take advantage of that. Plenty of people like you come out back to my big oil drum fire every day asking for money because I’m “just going to burn it anyway.” Get a fucking job and earn some yourself you piece of shit!
To put it simply, this job is supposed to be easy for me because I don’t actually need the paycheck to live each week—I’ve got parents for that. Don’t overcomplicate things for me.
Zachary Johnson is a food lover ❤ and unpaid intern at Nonsense’s very own “Knife Institution”, a branch of our #brand aimed at pleasing assholes like you with mundane listicles about food or some shit. Zach hopes to work for a real company one day, like BuzzFeed 😘