Hard Work Pays Off: Hofstra University Secures Presidential Debate Without Taking Anyone’s Life

By Zachary Johnson

Wright State University announced yesterday that they would be withdrawing from hosting the first presidential debate of the 2016 election year, thereby releasing the slot to Hofstra University. “Incredible,” said a representative for Hofstra. “It was so kind of the folks at Wright State to think of us, and the well-being of their families, in making this decision. We’re simply overjoyed!”

A shaking, visibly pale Wright State University President David Hopkins cited rising security concerns as one of the reasons for WSU pulling out of the debate. Nonsense caught up with President Hopkins as he sat alone in his office, staring out the window and jumping every time his phone rang.

“I-it’s so un-f-fortunate that we c-couldn’t hold the debate, but at the least we’re glad to help out our g-g-good f-friends at Hofstra,” Hopkins said, wringing his hands.

Hopkins reportedly met with Hofstra President Stuart Rabinowitz and a large entourage of tough-talkin’, rough-ridin’, no-nonsense beefcakes in his office on Monday. When asked about the meeting, Hopkins sat straight up in his chair, let in-and-out three large breaths, and kissed the cross around his neck before responding:

“Stuart and I are o-old friends.”

At press time, President Rabinowitz escorted this reporter into his office and, lying on his rose-colored divan, had this to say:

“The true American dream is free enterprise. Ya hear me, kid? The Peters, Pauls, and Marys of this world ain’t never gonna understand that. When I was a wee lady-boy lad like yourself, my father, may he rest in peace, told me that the only thing standing in the way of what I wanted were all the people around me. And I ain’t never known America to be anything else than just that: getting what you want, whatever means necessary.”

The President then had this reporter escorted out of his office, but not before gifting Nonsense a free portrait of WSU President David Hopkins, with drywall flakes still fresh on the back of the frame. smalllogo