Guide to the BEST Summer Flingity-Flang of your Life!

By Solange Luftman

We all know how hard it is to find love, especially in this age of hookup culture and technology (ewie!!). Summer is the beautiful time in a young person’s life in which they experience a fiery rush in the loins, and a kiss on both big toes, so to help achieve your summer lovin’ goals, à la Sandy and Danny, here is a helpful list on how to find the Persian rug to your coffee table this Summer.

 

Put yourself out there.

Everyone loves confidence, so show the object of your affection what you’ve got. Paint your face and body like a zebra, or maybe even a giraffe. This will show that you are confident in your appearance and don’t give a flying falcon about the other (less confident) animal impersonators out there. Your time is now, and your name is Mitsy.

 

Make the first move.

This piece of advice branches off from Tip Numero Uno, but it is nonetheless essential. Tell your prospective guy or gal, (or whoever it is you yearn for), that you’d like to plant a garden with them. Fresh fruits and vegetables are enough to make anyone excited. (I’m dreaming about creamy artisanal butternut squash soup dribbling slowly out of the corner of my mouth right now! Sure, its saltiness can be overwhelming, but spitting is for quitters and you, my fair Mitsy, are no quitter. Sounds real gourmet, ay)?

 

If at first you don’t succeed, there’s always the Internet.

I know, I know. Technology is the ugly cousin of love, BUT—when used correctly, it can be the nurturing uncle of casual sex. Develop a profile with only the best lighting and angles. I’m talking FGA’s/FBA’s (Fat Girl/Boy Angles) and sepia filtering the shit out of that shit. The great thing about the Internet is that you don’t have to be yourself, so develop the best version of yourself! The person you’ll meet up with will inevitably do the same thing, so there’s no need to feel bad. If only there were an Amaro filter IRL, amrite????

If you’re still not succeeding, perform a Wiccan Love Spell.

I recommend the Full Moon Love Spell. It’s so simple even an Atheist could do it, which isn’t saying much considering that Atheists are historically the least intelligent people of all time. Try to name one Atheist who has contributed to society (and NO, Joseph Stalin doesn’t count! See, it’s difficult. Tricky bastards).  But I digress, who knew the key to love could be found in your kitchen!? I’ll tell you who knew: theists. The directions can be found here: http://wiccanspells.info/a-full-moon-love-spell/

 

Have fun!

The best part about Summer Flings is how temporary they are. Honeymoon phase all day evuryday. There’s absolutely 0% chance for you to get angry with your partner for clogging the toilet with too many marshmallows again (well a slight chance, but not high. There really are no absolutes in this world, which is why atheism is such a complete joke).

 

I pray to the naked cherubs up above that these tricks and tips work to help you find the Summer Fling of your dreams! Whether you’re attempting sex with the greaser who smokes joints at the elementary school at night, or the grizzly bear girl impersonator you’ve seen hobbling in the woods, what’s most important is that you’re getting out there and living your life. So what are you still doing online, Mit? It’s time to plant some arugula and make that tasty tossed romance salad.