Hey there cleansteaks! You see? That is my name for you: cleansteaks. Yes, I’ve got just one message for you and it is this: the name that I have given you is cleansteaks.
Now that we have established this, and I have become comfortably seated in a position above you, because you do not wish to challenge me—because secretly cleansteaks is the name you have given yourself too (I know all, do not disparage that)—let us get to the matter at hand: You Are Here Because You Are Wanting To Join Greek Life At Hofstra University
I have been involved with Greek Life forever. Always. Indefinitely. More than you ever have and ever will. Greek Life was the mother and I am the child. I have made her soup. I am the sole giver of the advice, the one whom you trust to give advice to you in a form that is a list. Watch me as I give you advice that is in the form of a list.
The Information That Is Going First
If you are wanting to be doing the joining of Greek Life At Hofstra, the first thing that you must do is read the information that is going first, and this is the information that is going first: Midnight Is The Time At Which I Will Come To Collect Your Gurps. Curious about what gurps are, precious cleansteaks? In Greek Life, gurps are the word that we use to indicate what you may refer to as “cups.” Yes, the cups, the gurps, the cups, the gurps? Get it? Now that we are on the same page, leave those gurps. Leave them out on a table, on the counter. As long as it is on a flat surface I will be able to find them. Do not worry about notifying me where you have placed your gurps, I have been doing this for long enough that I know when and where gurps have been placed. Make sure that the gurps are facing rim down, my holy crimson matchbox.
Here is an image for the purposes of demonstration, just in case you were in need of an image that exists to demonstrate something to you.
This is that image:
Second Piece of Information: Give Me Your Songs, Tender One
Oh you, yes you! It is you who I am referring to as The Tender One, cleansteaks. Please do not be confused by the multiple names. cleansteaks is your true name that I have given to you. In the first section of this article crimson matchbox is a name I offhandedly referred to you as in the first section of this article. The Tender One is the name that I am calling you by now, at this time where I am requesting your songs.
Now sing to me, for you are The Tender One. Lend me your lilting voice as it is held hostage by a beautiful serenade. Place your elegant toes onto the carpet and dance, dance dance, cleansteaks.
Third In The Sequential Order: Wait For The Gurps To Return
Wait for them. They will come.
This Little Collection Of Letters Is The One I have Designated As Fourth Information
YOU MUST BE PATIENT.
The Gurps Will Return, This Is The Thing You Must Remember Fifth
You may not be ready, you may not be prepared, but it shall happen, oh sacred forest of mine. I will move soft, like the toes of a mouse as they scrape across the smooth surface of the sandwich you have left out on the counter because you were distracted by the FACT THAT I RETURNED THE GURPS AND YOU DID NOT NOTICE. This is how it will be when The Gurps return to you.
Six, Ah Yes The Love’d Number, Yes, Sixthly You Must Analyze The Gurps, And I Have For You Instructions On What The Gurps Mean, And How You Must Interpret Them When You Are Analyzing What The Gurps Mean, The Gurps That I Have Given To You With The Intention Of Them Being A Sign Of One Of Two Things
Be analyzing the gurps like this: if there are no gurps, then I have taken them. If there are gurps, I did not want them.
Look at this phagto* (this is the word we—those that are being involved in the Greek Life—use when we wish to be talking about the thing you may also wish to be doing the referring to as “photograph” my sweet nectary swíndlëhåæed, play your sitar correctly and you shall be allowed to join our most secret sub-society of name-making where thine may study upon The Many Words). Think of the phagto as it reminds you of the motion involved in placing the gurps the way that I want them to be before I take them, as this is indeed the same motion I will be using when if the gurps are returned to you.
*I am being doing the including this asterisk because I mean to be doing the addressing the word “phagto”. Greek Life would like to declare that in every instance of this word we have been doing the using, we have never been meaning to sound like we are using or referencing a word that is being close to a word commonly used to degrade specific types of sexual orientations that one may be doing the having. In fact, Greek Life, as a united front, would like to tell you about how much of the inclusiveness we are doing. Please do the contacting of our resident gay member, Greg, who will talk to you about the things that we are doing the being discussing in the asterisk that we did the including of.
Item Seven: Must Read
Walk up to me, Small Doug. If you have the spit in your hand, and I am walking forward, and you slap your hand to my hand and we both are realizing that there is spit in each other’s hand, then you may continue reading. IF YOU WALK UP TO ME AND SLAP YOUR HAND TO MY HAND AND WE BOTH ARE REALIZING THAT THERE IS NO SPIT IN MY HAND THEN YOU MAY NOT CONTINUE READING. You are not doing the being involved with the Greek Life.
Eight: The Final Ingaydients**
Now it is the time for you to bring me the final ingaydients. I will write them on your wall, but you will see me. Unlike the gurps, I will just walk in in a way that you will see me.
“Hello,” I will say.
“Oh my god! You are beautiful!” you will respond.
I will then say back to you, “Ah yes. Kindness runs in your blood like a speedy baseball game. I have the blush.”
Then you will tenderly brush my cheek with a wet cloth, so as to cool me in case the blush has made me too warm. This is the kind of kindness that I will love you for kindly affording me.
It will be all smiles. Then I will stand up on your bed, and scrawl the list of ingaydients I need above it. It could be anything from “I Need Mulch” to “I Do Not Need Mulch” to “I Need Five Different Kinds Of Mulch And A Knuckle Sandwich Of The Mulch Variety”. Do not feel disheartened if your list of ingaydients is different than someone you know, it does not mean that I love you any less, little bean.
**yes, as you may have been doing the guessing, “ingaydeients” is the word that we use when we are meaning to talk about ingaydients. Greek Life has a long history of names, as you may have noticed, my suave sausage friend. This is, as I have mentioned previously, all a part of our secret society of name-making where you may study upon The Many Words and potentially be allowed to include your own names or be changing the phrasing of other words. Like this word? You may be doing the having the complaint. Well you should be doing the change that you are wanting to be seeing in the world then, crepe bosom. Let it also be having the known that we have two members on the name-making secret society that identify as “gay.” Yes my precious cleansteaks, you have been doing the having the read that sentence correctly.
Nine: The Soup
Now you see!
Do you remember in the introduction when I declared that I HAVE MADE THE SOUP FOR THE MOTHER THAT GREEK LIFE IS WHILE I AM HER CHILD THAT HAS MADE HER THE SOUP?
Surely you were picking up what I was putting down.
I will now serve you the soup that was promised, cleansteaks. Oh my friend, my dearest little bean, my holy crimson matchbox, The Tender One, oh sacred forest of mine, Small Doug, now together we will eat the soup.
Welcome to Greek Life, my blessed panther.