Horoscopes By Hillary

By Hillary

An excerpt from the “Clinton Presidency” section of our issue What To Expect When You’re Electing!


Aries

You call it an independent personality; I call it a Republican filibuster in the making. Take it down a notch, reassess the situation, and grow a pair. Congress isn’t your glory hole, despite your senatorial work.

Taurus

Like my father, you are brazen, stubborn, and true. You’re deft with your hands and spin some mean fucking yarn. Embrace your identity as human capital and the doors will open for you.

Gemini

Three hops this time, and then a slide to the left. If you’re into child-proof house party jams, which you are, things will look up this week.

Cancer

“Yes. Yes, yeah, mmm, oh yeah. Yes.”

Leo

You’re on a roll this month. College campuses fear you for that slick jimmy in your pants. We’re all rolling in pain here, absolute agony. The intern from Jersey’s on fire and, like the judges, we honestly don’t know what to condemn you for this week.

Virgo

There might be some pressing issue on your mind, Virgo, that you need to get off your chest. As your astrologist I suggest unbuttoning your shirt to relieve the pressure. If your opinions still persist, start a petition.

Libra

This week, you are the embodiment of the justice system. You are the law – the judge, jury, and verdict, all in one. There are tears, Libra, falling on this paper as I write, seeping into the thousand-dollar cherry wood and priceless oval office carpeting beneath my feet. I’m mildly impressed.

Scorpio

There’s something sexy about a Scorpio sun; take it from the Scorpio herself. Stay away from poultry and gluten for a while, avoid too much ibuprophen.

Sagittarius

Career advancement is in the air. In the words of Australian hip hop artist Azalea Banks, “you can hate it or love it; hustle and the struggle is the only thing I’m trusting.”

Capricorn

Where do you usually find Capricorns? Ikea? The dentist? Subtly scented department stores? This week you’ll find yourself in the political arena, my little cornball. Buckle up and keep the memes in check for me ;^)

Aquarius

Has love got you down recently? My crystal ball says there will be relief soon, but my gut says it’s time for the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors… either way, Queen Mother Clinton’s got your back.

Pisces

The only reason Pisces exist is because Congress told the Hillar(it)y Team we couldn’t change the number of months in the year. Keep this in mind! You can veto a proposal; you can’t veto an idea.

ABOUT YOUR ASTROLOGIST

hillar-divination
Art by Samantha Nicholson

Hillary Rodham Clinton has been an avid supporter of divination, particularly star mapping and palm reading, since the start of her political career during her sophomore year of college. As prior U.S. Senator (2001-2009) and Secretary of State (2009-2013), she’s been noted by the general astrologist community for her clear cut, no nonsense attitude concerning divination and politics: “I’m not saying palm readings are for white people; it’s just that the lines on colored hands confuse me.” As current President of the United States her goal as an astrologist is to not only involve the Hillary team in the private lives of a small percentage of citizens but relate to the people of the United States on a deeply intimate and wholesome level. “How am I to be your President if I can’t be your friend? Friends share their horoscope. Presidents become your horoscope.”