Follow These 5 Easy Steps to Lasso the Moon for Your Lover

by Our Sex Expert

An excerpt from our issue Nonsense Goes To Space!

  1. Make the mating call to attract a lover.

    Everyone knows the best way to attract a steamy love connection is a nice Inuit throat song. Try to connect to Mother (or Daddy ;)) Earth by sticking your moistened ass into a pot of tree sap. Now you’re ready to sing the throat song of any potential mate’s dream.

  2. Make the sex to your newfound lover.

    We all know this step. Here at Nonsense, we make the sex many much. Often to each other—it is awkward. So trust us. After serenading your throat song lover, they will coo in your ear life a baby robin on a Spring morn. This is the clear sign to start entering and/or exiting your lover’s point of interest. We all know where that point of interest is. After you have made, your lover will beg you to get the moon for them.

  3. Buy some rope.

    This seems like a common sense step, but I’ve seen way too many people try to lasso the Moon without a rope to not include it. That’s like trying to kiss your mom before she gives you the warm milk!

  4. Obtain the potion to make you super big.

    This step also seems like common sense. You’re going to need to get really big in order to fit all that rope around the 1079-mile radius of the Moon. I’m talking REALLY big. The only man with a potion to make you grow to such heights is Lucien the Magician. He’ll give you the potion, oh yes! But at a cost. The cost is your new lover. Now I know this seems like a terrible idea, but trust us.

  5. Lasso the Moon.

    Use that rope to lasso all 1079 miles of the Moon’s radius, and pull it close to the Earth. Now the tides of the Earth are going wild, cities are crumbling to the sea, and your new lover is making sex to Lucien the Magician (that was poor advice on my part). Bring the Moon all the way into the Earth, so your new, now ex-lover can see it, and be so jealous. She’ll look in your extremely massive, very scary eyes and tell you she loves you. At this point the Moon will hit the Earth and destroy everyone you’ve ever known, including your lover.

  6. Bonus Step: Drift as a giant man through space.

    Try not to think of all the innocent lives you just took. Don’t think of that sweet sex making you had with your lover. Don’t think about how you could have easily prevented this by never trading your lover for a potion. Don’t think about how you read internet articles to help you with your love life. You can cry in space, but your tears won’t fall. No Gravity.