By Toby Jaffe
An excerpt from our issue Nonsense Goes To Space!
6:00 AM SHARP Wake up, wake all the way up. Nothing can stop me.
6:02 I’M ALL THE WAY UP.
6:04 Dance to some pre-released trap shit in my cotton choo-choo decorated PJs for a few. Flail melodiously to the beat.
6:07 Boot up the ol’ Ipad and record.
6:09 Undress sexily. Stroke my naughty bits.
6:11 Bathe in hydroponic aquaporin and red wine, scooping both astounding liquids with only the tallest of Bordeaux glasses.
6:35 Sip a bit.
7:01 Stare into the mirror. Shave. Comb. Flirt coyly with a friendly hair flip.
7:05 Remain undressed, except for my delightful silk robe.
7:20 Milk Walter, my wondrous pet goat.
7:33 Kiss Walter on the lips.
7:35 Whisper sweet nothings into his saccharine, pointy ears about our dreams and the alternative dimensions we will discover if only they’d give us a damn chance.
8:02 Get dressed. Today I have chosen to wear a superior black polo with the chest exposed (no chest hair, NEVER!) and some sensuous white khakis.
8:17-ISH Prepare for today’s Space-X test-launch. Expectations high, but realistic.
8:22 Eat a powerbar, savoring it as if to know it closely, savoring it as if to fuck it.
8:39 Call that foxy Forbes reporter I once played scrabble with. Yes Yes, ladies and gentleman, I won. Of course I did. Ha Heh Heh. Invite foxy Forbes reporter to the launch.
9:00 Well but who cares what time it is because time is but an infinite soulless being—Ponder, while driving at speeds once unimaginable some decades ago, why the Game Designers Above made me so damn charming and attractive. Yes. I love time. I love space.
10:08 Foxy Forbes reporter doesn’t show.
10:23 That’s fine, as my damn rocket blew up not even four feet off the ground. Total disaster.
10:30 Assure myself weepily into cape Canaveral bathroom mirror it’s not my fault.
11:04, I think — Compose.
11:30 Tug on my polo sleeves for many a minute and concoct the perfect subtweet at NASA with that ever so perfect mix of aloof hostility and aw-shucks light-heartedness. Jolt the bastards with a smile!
11:56 “Turning out to be the most difficult and complex failure we have ever had in 14 years!” I write into my phone “where’s my money fuckers? You know who you are”. Brutal. Sleek. Devastatingly effective. I have those nerds in the palm of my sweaty, muscular man-hands.
12:05 Do some spicy nose sugar on the dash of a model colony ship.
12:10 Sue Nonsense for printing that.
12:11 Double sue them.
12:36 Hop into the Tesla and blast some Doobie Brothers.
12:38 Release powdery tears without control.
12:40 “WHAAAAAAT A FOOL BELIEVES!!!!!”
12:45 Stop by Valley Burrito Shop and order five of those things.
12:47 Demand them stuffed with everything on the menu. We’re talking guac and sour cream and lettuce and tomatoes and salsa and cheese and meat and frogs and plastic black bear genitals and washing machine hand grenades and oh my god what a day.
12:52 Throw up an avalanche of dollar bills and thank NO ONE. We’ve got no need for counters!
1:00 Scarf these burritos down like the South African Mega-Leopard I am.
1:03 ON THE FUCKING DOT — Sprint out to the Tesla and drive. Just drive.
2:25 Feel the urge to release my burritos into a splendid rest-stop toilet, but remember that Elon must never poop. Too much work to get done, ladies and gentleman. I’ve let many a burrito live inside me, yes, yes. Have I told you we’re going to Mars in less than 20 years? Have I told you it will be affordable? Have I told you it will be fun? Have I told you we will build restaurants and movie theaters? Have I told you space is one hell of a place? Have I told you everything?
3:35 Have I told you I want to cry?
3:46 Return home and immediately nap. Plan accordingly. The world waits.
8:14 Sensual and dashing as ever.
8:29 Fix some coffee and plot next move in basement office.
9:12 CHEMISTRY AND BIOLOGY. TRY AND STOP ME. ALL THE WAY UP 252525194914525:259259292525 CALCULATE THE ACTUAL EXACT TIME OF THE UNIVERSE. NOTHING CAN STOP ME I’M
9:13 Call Business Insider with the news.
9:21 Call New York Times with the news.
9:37 Call, uh, the, uh, well let me put it this way: my pals like to call themselves the ‘Free Masons’. They live down the block. They liked to be alerted about this stuff. Ha heh heh. Mooks.
10:33 Depart office, slip into PJs.
10:49 Masturbate lube-free(!) to a Ted Talk I gave in 11’.
10:56 Finish up, keep watching this wonderfully illuminating speech.
11:01 Shut my eyes, flow into a restless dream world that is realer than our own.
1:10-infinite Tell these mysterious dream creatures, with their aspirations and passions, that only I can be Elon Musk! Only I.