An excerpt from Nonsense’s Guide To The Supernatural!
We’ve all been there: young, full of human organs and soul that make you irresistible to your standard supernatural creature.
The old standard. Your mom loves him, your dad hates him, and the call of your blood may be too strong for him to resist! Not really the greatest date for girls who love the beach, camping, or being able to grow old with your beloved, rather than withering away as he remains perfect, a mockery of what you once were… but damn, does he love you! He’s the perfect guy for when you really need to just write poetry and figure yourself out for a bit. Sure, your relationship can only end with a volatile breakup or your death, but either way you get to be the center of attention! Yay!
Sometimes you end up falling for the perfect guy. Smart, intelligent, rich, hundreds of years old, an aristocrat with daddy issues. He’s not really dangerous; in fact out of all the creatures you’ll date, he sets the safety bar pretty damn high. Truly your elf boyfriend is absolutely perfect in every way, but perfection is so borrrring. Remember that time you thought about getting a tattoo and he scoffed at the idea of you marking your porcelain skin? Yes, he carries the riches of a lost civilization and is willing to give it all up for you, but we both know this relationship is a one way ticket to Lamesville. Skip.
You’re 21; he’s dead, but when attraction strikes ya gotta at least give it a chance. Maybe dating a guy who died before women could vote wasn’t your best choice, but he’s so chivalrous! The whole “not leaving the land on which he died” thing, as well as the “not believing in modern medicine” thing might be the nail in the coffin for this relationship, but you still have warm thoughts every time you reconnect through a Ouija board. Plus when that one loser kills you, you’ll already have someone to hook up with in the afterlife.
Nope nope nope. Every one of your friends told you to stay away but you couldn’t keep away from…. Wait, he calls himself Dante the Unspoken? Do you have to call him that every time you say his name, or is just Dante okay? I know he has to work on his soul sucking but does that mean we have to attend every single one of his exorcisms in Brooklyn? This is exactly the type of relationship your friends will bring up, much to your embarrassment, for years. Maybe commit social suicide for a guy that isn’t draining you every time you go out.
That’s a fucking manatee, idiot!
I’m sorry… warlock… wizard? By far your friends’ personal favorite, he always seems to come prepared and know exactly how to fix a problem the second it occurs. He seems to magically know exactly what you need and always dresses to the nines. Sure, he kind of steals the limelight, but everyone loves him! The fact that, after your breakup, he was cursed to be a beast until meeting his actual one true love was a bit harsh, but you did break up over Twitter DM soooo.
Not the cutest guy you’ve ever dated, but there is something about him. He’s got an air of mystery about him and looks a lot better than the awful pictures on his Tinder. None of your friends believe you when you tell them how great he is, but you’ve seen it and that’s all that matters. Giving him a chance and discovering what really makes him tick might be worth it, but you’ll also have to live in New Jersey if you get married.
Kyle is… cool. I mean not cool cool but the guys seem to like him? I mean, I’m honestly not getting it. You just broke up with a vampire, how are you dating Kyle? Is this a rebound thing? Oh, maybe he’s a warlock too? No? Oh no that’s cool, seems like a chill guy. I’m very happy for you.
You made out with him once and now he’s promised to protect you for all of eternity! Which is great and all, but could he not be so judge-y when he comes out drinking with us? Sometimes you just want to wear sweats, but that seems impossible when your angel boyfriend wears three-piece suits at 8 AM on a Sunday. Breaking up seems like the only option, but you’d probably be banished to hell and have to deal with your demon ex, which is equally shitty.
Absolutely perfect, if you can ignore him becoming a terrifying hell beast under the glow of the moon once a month. You’re not usually into the overly masculine type but there is something so alluring about trying something new. Considering the guys you’ve dated, though, he seems like everything you could ever need. Low chance of him murdering you, mostly normal, but still interesting enough that you have something to brood over. He might be worth the plunge… maybe just remember to check for fleas after his transformations.
He doesn’t talk much, but that’s honestly okay. Sometimes the strong silent type is just what a girl needs after a funeral march’s worth of talkative guys. The cold unfeeling dead human flesh is a bit of a turn off, but you dated Kyle soooo you obviously aren’t bothered by unfeeling humans.
Death, like the actual factual manifestation of death:
Geez, a bit dark, don’t you think? Like Christ, I get it, people die every day. No need for your boyfriend to shit on you crying over the dog dying in that movie. Honestly, maybe you should call up the Jersey Devil, because you are falling into quite the hole. If it makes you feel better, it’s not like this one will be the one that will kill you. That’s just too damn obvious.
Sure, your lifespan has been significantly limited by the creatures you’ve decided to date, but it’s important to remember we still love you, and if you die one of your friends will totally have to name their kid after you!
Normally this is where we would wrap this list up, but if you made it through the entire list and honestly—wow!—or really even found any portion of this list applicable, you are almost certainly dead. Happy hunting!