Am I Really Responsible For Murder If Simon Said So?

By Zachary Johnson


Well, am I??
 I don’t think my question deserves to go unanswered just because you’re an officer of the law. I’m being treated unfairly here! There is no way our founding fathers intended to create a system where people are convicted of murder just because they committed an act of homicide at the behest and instruction of an individual temporarily know as Simon. That is like, the exact kind of shit that made them fight for independence from the British Empire. Didn’t you learn anything about American History?

Well whatever my dude, stay ignorant. I can fucking see the killer standing right over there, twiddling his stupid 10-year-old thumbs. Look at the way he’s fucking bawling, it looks so goddamn staged. If my eyes were all puffy and red, would you be cutting me any slack? That little sonofabitch is guilty of murder. That’s Simon, he’s the one you want!

Alright, well, I think his name is David, but for all of 10 minutes he was Simon and that’s the reason that girl died. Case closed! Have you even questioned him? Are you not concerned at all that a 10-year-old told me to kill one of his friends? Well, I guess Lisa wasn’t really his friend. She’s friends with Damien, and Corey told me they’re kind of a package deal when it came to handing out the invites. Anyways, either way, that kid is fucked up, dude! You’ve gotta send him straight to fucking juvey before he does this shit again!

Yeah, I know that I’ve got literal blood on my hands, but I was just beholden to the rules of his game! Sure, you’re right, sir, nobody else made a move to kill her but that’s just because I’m better at competitive games than they are. I fucking won, ok? I played by the rules, but I hardly think my incredible prowess and super precision knife skills are what we need to be focusing on here.

Though, by the way, if you do want focus on them, would you maybe wanna get drinks later, Officer? I’m a total loose cannon, maybe I could show you a few tricks or two. We’re talking really rough, really jagged, really wild fighting style, but it’s got this precise edge to it, it’s got this crazy edge, and that’s how you get ‘em. Then we could take it back to my place, maybe have some wild crazy sex, but with an edge, you know what I mean? Are you interested in knife play at all, sir?

What’s that? Yeah, that is my knife in her chest. No, I can’t tell you where I got it, but I can tell you it was made special. That’s stainless steel, and it cost me a lot of money so be careful with it buddy. Make sure you get all the blood off of it before I get it back, this shit is my life, man. It’s what I wake up for. All those kids thought that knife was so fucking cool, so fucking great and shiny, until we started playing Simon Says and David, acting under the authorital power that is Simon, forced me stab Lisa with it. Ugh, this is the last time I show up uninvited to a kid’s birthday party, I’ll tell you that much.

Stop that! Stop cuffing me. I’ve got sensitive wrists and I bruise like a peach! Oh man, you’ve got nice hands. Hey quick question if I say your name does that mean your body can and will be held against me in a court of law?

What’s that? Officer Simon? Well this is a fucking coincidence. Oh, you bet I’ll do whatever you want me to do, Officer. 😉

Yeah? Alright, I’ll get into the vehicle sir.