By Sam Thor
In the early hours of March 14th, Hofstra University closed its campus due the heavy snowstorm that was projected to hit. However, this did not deter one student from showing off his legs to everyone who didn’t want to see them. Phi Delta Theta member Rex Whiteman, was discovered dead, face down into the snow, possibly trying to make his way to Dutch Treats.
Authorities only discovered him when they saw his ugly Nike highlight yellow shorts poking out of the snow. While the shorts definitely did not match the rest of the dead boy’s outfit, they did help Public Safety officers find him. When approaching the body, officers found his knock-off Beats By Dre headphones playing a one-track loop of How Far I’ll Go by Moana. Obviously, he did not go very far.
The coroner confirmed that Whiteman’s legs finally shut down after never being clothed for three years. The snow latched on to his pleading skin, and slowly his legs turned blue before he fell. Without the use of his legs, the boy slowly froze to death behind Estabrook. Apparently, no one in the building wanted to help him.
When asked about the event, Rex’s roommate, Kevin James, a student that is not the actor—but basically looks and acts just like him—said“He is fucking idiot, man. A waste a space. Honestly we’ve all been waiting.”
Rex’s mother, Gina Whitewoman, said “I buy him so many pairs of pants. Why did he never wear them? He never even went to the gym! His legs didn’t look that good.”
Rex Whiteman’s funeral was held today, March 15th. However, since classes weren’t cancelled, many students were unable to attend. The attire was all black, but each attendee was forced to brandish a Nike logo somewhere on their outfit. Mountain Dew was the sole refreshment served, and only in shot glasses.