Despite All Odds, Hofstra Basketball

By Ashley Vernola

An excerpt from our latest issue, The Fake News Issue!

HEMPSTEAD, NY – Week after week, students walk their little legs through Hofstra University’s Sondra and David S. Mack Student Center. At the end of its red brick atrium, there is a beacon: HOFCAST, or, if you don’t know, that tiny little television mounted above the entrance to the Unispan. On that tiny little television, Hofstra University projects poorly made PowerPoint slides to remind students of events they will never attend. It is on this tiny little baby television that every week, Hofstra students lay eyes upon the announcements for guest lectures by Jet Tila, or Thai-re Food Tuesday, and… what’s this? – can you guess it? no? – yet another basketball game. Another basketball game that stands to remind us all that, yes, despite all odds: Hofstra basketball.

It prevails.

From inside the David S. Mack Sports and Exhibition Center, I can hear the ticking of a clock across the room and the screeching of basketball shoes across the floor. In the stands, there are bodies with mouths open, the scattered pockets of friends and Tinder matches standing in awe, in awe of the Hofstra Basketball. Oh, yes! Oh, yes! They are doing it: The Basketball. Who would have thought? Look! They run up and down the court. How brave! They throw the ball and make the swish. They ziggity zaggity, juke, jive, volleyball, basketball, cricket tall, lemon small between players. Wow! They smack the ball, YES, smack it, out of hands and into their own, and whoosh it to the other side of the court. They are doing it! They are fearless and strong, heroes to us all! Good for them! Despite all odds! Despite calf muscles long-since atrophied! Despite opening for each game’s headliner, Free T-Shirts. Despite…everything.

It triumphs.

Hofstra Basketball has been developing little sweat drops, little sweat drops upon its head since Your Honor, High Lord, King Queen, President Stuart Rabinowitz dissolved the football team into itty bitty pieces after having gone 0-23. Hofstra Basketball, it fills the void with aplomb! It has enough school spirit for the entire university. Hofstra Basketball goes. Goes each week, so we do not have to. With clammy hands and flames in their fast heart rates, Hofstra Basketball has continued to prove, week after week, that it will be the victorious team on campus. Who is this Quidditch? What is this Wrestle? None but Hofstra Basketball.

It conquers.

Despite. All. Odds.