An excerpt from our latest issue, The Fake News Issue!
Hofstra University offers over seven different student-run clubs and organizations on campus, the newest of which is the prestigious Vaping Dutchmen.
Competitive vaping, a sport which many would call “not a sport”, offers a welcoming environment to this group of diverse, passionate, white males.
“I used to be nobody.” says Dutchman team captain, Keith Russo, exhaling a massive cloud of Cinnamon toast crunch, the winter wind blowing the soft baby hairs on his exposed legs. “I was the empty plastic bag drifting across the street that catches the corner of your eye and kind of startles you until you realize it’s an inanimate object and you’re a worthless fool. Yes, I was once adopted by Bon Jovi, but that kind of thing doesn’t last, y’know? Vaping gave me purpose.”
There are currently four members of the Vaping Dutchmen: Russo, Eric Campbell, Greg Johnson, and the Dark One Who Hurts And Maims. However, sophomore Campbell said that he might be able to get his friend’s roommate’s little brother to join if they start bringing snacks to the weekly meetings.
“Creating a brand is really important for us. Other students see me and they’re like, y’know, ‘There he is!’, right?” said Russo, adjusting his ever present snapback so the little man in his buzzcut cannot escape. He has not seen the sun.
Personal style is an essential aspect of the vape lifestyle, for him. His daily T-shirt and gym shorts pairing separates him from the other members, who each wear a T-shirt and gym shorts, respectively. The trio can often be seen moving around campus as an inseparable pack. This is more out of necessity than anything else; if one constituent were to break ranks, he would immediately lose half of his life force. That kind of damage should be avoided at all costs, according to the Vape God Handbook.
“Vaping changed my life,” freshman Johnson says, hands shakily dropping fluid into his rig. “I used to smoke cigarettes. Now I don’t. I have made a complete, 360 degree turn around. My life is different now. I’m better. I’m a better father, and a better friend.”
The Vaping Dutchman are preparing to enter their first of many high-stakes competitions. Individuals blow vapor into the air and the longest distance achieved gets an amount of points, or something like that. The highly coveted first prize includes a trophy, a smaller trophy, assorted dollar coins, and 10% off your next purchase. Second place receives a used (re: empty) gift card to a local smoke shop. Everyone else goes to The Pit.
“Do I think we can win? Eh,” said Russo, clearly bursting with optimism.
Allegedly, a team flag is in the works, so any designers who can “hold their own” are specifically invited to the next practice session.
“A solid blue background. Maybe #5733FF would be a nice shade. Or #191970. And two vapes blowing smoke from the corners, but their clouds intertwine and become this bitchin’ dragon, but the dragon is also vaping. Within the eyes of dragon you can see each team member, but when you look closer, we’re just people-shaped mods. Aren’t we all people-shaped mods in the end, anyways? Just a few ideas,” the Dark One suggested.
Still, every student of the Hofstra community is welcome to join this up-and-coming organization. Keep an eye on the Vaping Dutchmen. We wish them the best in their athletic endeavors!