Do not fuck these bugs, you little scallop sack. Do not even THINK about fucking bugs when I am talking to you.
I’m sorry, Sebastian, that was harsh. I should be calmer. I know it’s hard for you, Sebastian. A man with your disposition, he gets urges sometimes. We’ve all been there, it’s something we’ve all been through. But you have to overcome it. You’re about to come of age, and I know this world holds many wondrous things for you, many new things that you are about to experience for the first time. Turning 30 is really quite something.
But the one thing you must always remember is that I am your legally appointed guardian and it will always be my business what goes on in your bedroom. Or across a cot of shimmering laurels on the floor of a glistening forest. Or in the thick, warm mud of some South American swamp. Or in the majestic hive of some colony of worker bees. Or in the viscous sap of a tall, tall Douglass Fir. These things are my responsibility to know and scold you for, and as thus, I will always be watching you from a distance of 15 feet. Enough to give you your privacy while still maintaining a firm grasp of control upon you, as you are the only thing left in my life that I can assert power over.
To make things easier for you, Sebastian, I have collected these bugs for you here so that I may explicitly show you which bugs you are forbidden to have sexual relations with.
1. The Juice Bug
The Juice Bug is the most succulent of beasts. I see the way that you stare at its abdomen, that juicy hind section, and the tantalizing way its wings fold up underneath it. But tell me Sebastian, is it really worth it? Try not to see this bug as a mere receptacle of lust, but as a wonderful creation, beyond objectification.
2. The Spotted Wingdinger
Ah yes, Sebastian. He is a beaut, ain’t he? But it is the case Sebastian, that a man of your age must learn to look upon beauty with refined sensibilities. Can’t something still have beauty without sexual attraction? Can you not look upon such fine wings and say “Wow, what a pretty bug and I’m not just saying that because I want to stick my penis inside of him. I actually appreciate him from an aesthetic standpoint, and my urge to ejaculate has since receded.” This is all I ask of you.
3. The Crawling Melonspear
Calm your breathing, Sebastian. I said calm it. This one gets me heated too. But I have since learned to keep such feelings at bay. I have long known the throws of lust, but longer have I known the power of repression.
Get your hand away from there. You filthy sack of philtered fuck. I am about to let you out of the house for the first time in your life, and this is how you scorn my generous freedom? Take note Sebastian: My pupils are dilated too. Rome was not built in a day, and neither were my deeply rooted-psychological barriers of sexual restraint. Let me help you. Here, let’s try another.
4. The Fat Lady, And All The Juice That She Bears
Oh yes. You wish to know her in the most biblical sense. She is a lovely lady indeed, but do you not remember our conversation about the Spotted Wingdinger?
Well imagine that they are in love. Do you want to break up that relationship? Could you let your lust chip away at such a beautiful bond? These two live together, they breath together. They hold hands when they walk through the park. They kiss each other in the pouring rain. They make the most intimate love behind closed doors. They leave a camera on sometimes to record all the naughty discourse. Sometimes the blinds are open for the neighbors to see. The Fat Lady wears a chain around her neck, and the Spotted Wingdinger puts on that pair of tights, you know the one, Sebastian, you know it so well. And sometimes the Crawling Melonspear comes by, and he loves them both. He loves them both, and the Fat Lady she gets especially bothered when he loves her precious Spotted Wingdinger. Oh she loves to watch from the corner, she loves to hold the camera and watch them go at it. And who’s this, watching from the ventilation shaft? It could only be the Juice Bug. And she’s brought gifts, oh little gifts, little trinkets, little chains, little sticks and stones and goopy potions. And then together on the bed, all together on the bed, yes, they all writhe, they all scream, yes, they shout in the throws of passion. Together, all together, one-in-the-same and it’s all about love, but in some ways it isn’t? In some ways the Wingdinger yearns to be a receptacle for lust, in some ways the Wingdinger just wants the Melonspear to use him, to hurt him, to make him feel like he’s just been thrown aside—
SEBASTIAN, NO! Oh my sweet lips, you kissed my sweet lips, you kissed me right upon the mouth. Oh Sebastian, no, this was not my intention. I am five years your junior, do you not worry about the age gap? NO? Age is just a number to you?
Oh Sebastian no, I couldn’t. I couldn’t dream of it. Let us forget this ever happened. Let us get back to the matter at hand. Do not fuck the Fat Lady, And All The Juice She Bears, do not even go near her.
5. Actually, This One You Can Fuck
This one is fair game, Sebastian. Fuck it hard.
6. The Last Bug Is…
Oh my Sebastian. You want to know why my visage appears on this screen? Oh dear. Well this is rather awkward.
You see, Sebastian… I have told you that you may not fuck these bugs for a reason. I have raised you, and together we have lived for a hundred years. Well it’s seemed that way. But I have been keeping a dark secret from you Sebastian, and now, as you reach the cusp of the prime age of sexual maturity at 30, when a man mosts lusts for the tender appendages and exoskeletons that only bugs can provide… now I must reveal that secret to you.
The truth is, Sebastian, I am the last bug you cannot fuck. It is forbidden by the law of the land.
But oh, it pains me so. You don’t know how I have yearned for you. Oh my little wings how they ache for your tender touch. This is why I must let you go, Sebastian. This is why I must set you free.
Oh love, she is a jealous mistress, Sebastian. She pulls at the heart strings, she is loud, she screams and she wails with envy. This is why you cannot fuck these other bugs Sebastian, because I will be watching you, and, oh, how it will hurt. You cannot fuck these critters because I cannot bear to see you lie with another bug. It would pierce my heart with an icy stinger to have to watch you cavort with another, to lie under the wisps of a willow tree and watch as you plow them right to kingdom come.
The pain would surely bring me to the grave.
Forgive me, Sebastian. Forgive me for everything.
Now go, the door is open. Just go and leave me here to nurse my broken heart. I’ll be along shortly to stalk you from the mandated distance.
Oh my Sebastian, he leaves me and he is weeping. He is broken, he is shattered. I watch him go, and as he walks up the stairs I see the shape of his round, plump, thirty-year-old buttocks receding into the distance. They are the buttocks that I will never know, they are the love that I will never have. Oh my Sebastian, my sweet sweet Sebastian. Why must God be so cruel to us.