Category Archives: Hofstra

Underpaid Student Employee Can’t Wait To Starve Outside $30M Administrative Building

By Zachary Johnson

Adding that it’s great Hofstra has finally got some money to spend, Hofstra University Student and RSR Emily Baum said she very much looks forward to sitting her pallid, shrinking corpse on the benches outside the new Frank G. Zarb School of Business and praying that manna descends from the heavens to nourish her. Or, in a total dream scenario, that her University employer at least starts paying her minimum wage.

“I was flinging my way through the ABP garbage bins and wondering how I’m going to pay my utility bills when I heard the news,” Baum says, with a faint voice. “I almost dropped the cigarette butts I was saving for lunch, I was so thrilled! Finally, a place on this campus where administrators can have nice offices!”

Baum, whose lack of a car prevents her from working somewhere with better pay, thinks the school made a great choice.

“You know, Hofstra takes these decisions very seriously; they’re just so good at providing the right resources to the student body,” Baum says. “We don’t need new dormitories that have working facilities, sturdy walls, and a lack of bug infestations. We don’t need better food, or cheaper food. We need $2 million dollar renovations of Fraternity hangout spaces, we need well-paid college presidents, and, most of all, this brand new building where Hofstra students can make the most of their administrators having really comfortable places to avoid doing paperwork on time. Hofstra just gets it.”

In a report on the new 30 Million Dollar Building by the Hofstra Chronicle, students are encouraged to “make their mark and become a part of the Zarb school forever” by taking the exciting oppourtunity to “sign a steel beam that will be used in the construction of the new building.”

“Wow, really? That’s so nice of them to think of us,” said the current RSR as she compares prices of textbooks for next semester to the total cost of eating three meals every day this week. “It’s inspiring to think that if Hofstra could come up with 30 Million Dollars to spend on a building, maybe I’ll be able to make rent work this month?” smalllogo

 

 

Sports Spotlight: Hofstra Quidditch

By Emily Hart

An excerpt from our latest issue, The Fake News Issue!

This new upcoming season of Quidditch is gonna be a banger. Since their last game, they’ve just been going at it in the soccer fields. You know the type: the coolest kids in your Comp 2 class, always talking about how sore they are from practice. You’ve probably even seen their lanyards. Surprised that it’s Harry Potter? Why wouldn’t you be? I know people always talk about how Quidditch isn’t a real sport but I heard Greg in my class dispute this rumor. Greg and Dylan, the coveted seeker, were talking about how much work they’re missing out on because they have practice every night when this girl was like, “That’s not a real sport.” Being the Ravenclaw Greg is, he destroyed her using intellect and fact. She was totally dumbfounded. One day, I hope I get to be like Greg because he reminds me so much of Hermione, but I’m just a Hufflepuff who watches from the sidelines.

Watching them practice next to the soccer team, you can see just how dedicated they are to their sport. Sweating through their house sweatshirts, running around with that weird stick between their legs while trying to throw those balls into the hoops at the end of the field. There’s no other athlete who can do that kind of multitasking. In boring sports, they just do one thing with only one ball. In Quidditch, there’s gotta be at least three. Dylan has been perfecting the seeker position by doing extra practices and he’s finally starting to look like a great player. Not only is he a crazy good athlete, he’s crazy good-looking. Standing at a whopping 5’6” with shaggy brown hair that covers most of his face, he is so dreamy. His aroma is tantalizing, his AXE body spray makes everyone go wild—even the straight boys on the team. I mean, I would love to date him but there’s no way he would even look at me like that. I’m just a groupie—nowhere near his level or even his league.

Their first game since the terrifyingly upsetting loss against NYU is happening this weekend. NYU’s team was ripped; almost all of them were like close to six foot. They had exclusive merch that you can only get at Harry Potter World, so you know they’re good. Although that’s not really my type. I don’t go for the conventionally attractive type, you know? They’re not down to Earth like Dylan is. The NYU’s Hipster Horcruxes really did rip us a new one that day. So our team is hoping people come to show support—while they may not have three people in the crowd yet, like the basketball team has, hopefully some day they will. The game should be in the bag for them since they’re playing against Adelphi, the worst Quidditch team in the tri-state area. Adelphi’s team is like the opposite of the Hipster Horcruxes. So if you really want to show your school pride, don’t go to any of the games with free shirts.At this game, you’ll thrive on the atmosphere of excitement and all the Harry Potter references that they throw around. You’ll also be able to see all the hot members, but stay away from Dylan. Remember to head on out to the acid fields at 12:30 pm on Sunday! You won’t wanna miss it or the team!

Nerf Dart Ballistics Test Reveals You Didn’t Fucking Hit Me

By Quin Asselin

An excerpt from our latest issue, The Fake News Issue!

I’ve seen the worst of it. Got a bad case of rug burn from one of them Velcro casings a while back during the Siege of Vander Poel. I owe my life thrice-fold to Ol’ Doc Stitches for patching up my flaky meat-wrapper…on more than one occasion. I’ve got a scar in the shape of my cousin Doyle’s fake leg on my lower back.

The point is, Chris, I know my shit, and you totally could not have hit me from all the way back there. The only blaster with that kind of range is a Longshot™ and that’s before you even take into account the wind, my amazing reflexes, or the Coriolis effect. The report back from intel states that our opposition doesn’t carry that kind of armament, and even if they did have access to that class of hardware – I told you I didn’t feel it hit me, you tool!

Listen, greenhorn, when I joined up with The Triple B (Bloody Blaster Battalion) I had no idea. First day in basic they made me disassemble a pair of Nerf Doomlands 2169 Negotiators™, using just a couple of moldy darts like chopsticks. Sarge spat in my mouth when I said I didn’t know that zombies were the resident bad boyz. He spat right into my open mouth. But I grew to love the taste and subtle pulpy texture of his residual oat-based knowledge nectar. I was like a baby bird, gleaming scraps of blaster discipline from Sarge’s salivary surprise. I know my shit, ya little Krumph.

I don’t care that you think you shot me. Look at me, cadet. Take a deep whiff of me with your sight sponges. Do you see that I’m more greased up than a baking sheet full of Crisco? I’m caked in the goddamned stuff. The purpose of this is two-fold:

  1. I think my salamander has really started respecting me more since I became such a slick muchacho.
  2. The bullets fucking glide off you, Chris.

Chris, do you even give a shit about accuracy in this realistic dart-based war simulation? Because, judging by your utter lack of grease, mud, or any sort of dart-proof lube, I’d wager that you didn’t even account for non-Newtonian drag. Oh no? You didn’t, huh? What a surprise that “Big Piss” Chris here doesn’t even know about muzzle drop OR in flight trajectories once that dart is out of the muzzle.

My ears are attuned, you wempled duck brain of a boy. I can hear a dart whizzing by like the honks of a legion of Canada Geese flying overhead and raining white hot salvation upon the war-grounds. I’ve got the reflexes of a little league baseballer on two Redbulls and a couple bumps of those sweet sweet… battle salts.

Here’s the deal, Chris: I’ll play the game with you, but I don’t have to… did you… did you just shoot me? Point blank? No way, I called a time-out earlier. This shit doesn’t count. I won’t be toppled, let alone degreased, by an outsider. Don’t make me. I HATE this game.

Club Spotlight: The Vaping Dutchmen

By Victoria Jenkins

An excerpt from our latest issue, The Fake News Issue!

Hofstra University offers over seven different student-run clubs and organizations on campus, the newest of which is the prestigious Vaping Dutchmen.

Competitive vaping, a sport which many would call “not a sport”, offers a welcoming environment to this group of diverse, passionate, white males.

“I used to be nobody.” says Dutchman team captain, Keith Russo, exhaling a massive cloud of Cinnamon toast crunch, the winter wind blowing the soft baby hairs on his exposed legs. “I was the empty plastic bag drifting across the street that catches the corner of your eye and kind of startles you until you realize it’s an inanimate object and you’re a worthless fool. Yes, I was once adopted by Bon Jovi, but that kind of thing doesn’t last, y’know? Vaping gave me purpose.”

There are currently four members of the Vaping Dutchmen: Russo, Eric Campbell, Greg Johnson, and the Dark One Who Hurts And Maims. However, sophomore Campbell said that he might be able to get his friend’s roommate’s little brother to join if they start bringing snacks to the weekly meetings.

“Creating a brand is really important for us. Other students see me and they’re like, y’know, ‘There he is!’, right?” said Russo, adjusting his ever present snapback so the little man in his buzzcut cannot escape. He has not seen the sun.

Personal style is an essential aspect of the vape lifestyle, for him. His daily T-shirt and gym shorts pairing separates him from the other members, who each wear a T-shirt and gym shorts, respectively. The trio can often be seen moving around campus as an inseparable pack. This is more out of necessity than anything else; if one constituent were to break ranks, he would immediately lose half of his life force. That kind of damage should be avoided at all costs, according to the Vape God Handbook.

“Vaping changed my life,” freshman Johnson says, hands shakily dropping fluid into his rig. “I used to smoke cigarettes. Now I don’t. I have made a complete, 360 degree turn around. My life is different now. I’m better. I’m a better father, and a better friend.”

The Vaping Dutchman are preparing to enter their first of many high-stakes competitions. Individuals blow vapor into the air and the longest distance achieved gets an amount of points, or something like that. The highly coveted first prize includes a trophy, a smaller trophy, assorted dollar coins, and 10% off your next purchase. Second place receives a used (re: empty) gift card to a local smoke shop. Everyone else goes to The Pit.

“Do I think we can win? Eh,” said Russo, clearly bursting with optimism.

Allegedly, a team flag is in the works, so any designers who can “hold their own” are specifically invited to the next practice session.

“A solid blue background. Maybe #5733FF would be a nice shade. Or #191970. And two vapes blowing smoke from the corners, but their clouds intertwine and become this bitchin’ dragon, but the dragon is also vaping. Within the eyes of dragon you can see each team member, but when you look closer, we’re just people-shaped mods. Aren’t we all people-shaped mods in the end, anyways? Just a few ideas,” the Dark One suggested.

Still, every student of the Hofstra community is welcome to join this up-and-coming organization. Keep an eye on the Vaping Dutchmen. We wish them the best in their athletic endeavors!

Despite All Odds, Hofstra Basketball

By Ashley Vernola

An excerpt from our latest issue, The Fake News Issue!

HEMPSTEAD, NY – Week after week, students walk their little legs through Hofstra University’s Sondra and David S. Mack Student Center. At the end of its red brick atrium, there is a beacon: HOFCAST, or, if you don’t know, that tiny little television mounted above the entrance to the Unispan. On that tiny little television, Hofstra University projects poorly made PowerPoint slides to remind students of events they will never attend. It is on this tiny little baby television that every week, Hofstra students lay eyes upon the announcements for guest lectures by Jet Tila, or Thai-re Food Tuesday, and… what’s this? – can you guess it? no? – yet another basketball game. Another basketball game that stands to remind us all that, yes, despite all odds: Hofstra basketball.

It prevails.

From inside the David S. Mack Sports and Exhibition Center, I can hear the ticking of a clock across the room and the screeching of basketball shoes across the floor. In the stands, there are bodies with mouths open, the scattered pockets of friends and Tinder matches standing in awe, in awe of the Hofstra Basketball. Oh, yes! Oh, yes! They are doing it: The Basketball. Who would have thought? Look! They run up and down the court. How brave! They throw the ball and make the swish. They ziggity zaggity, juke, jive, volleyball, basketball, cricket tall, lemon small between players. Wow! They smack the ball, YES, smack it, out of hands and into their own, and whoosh it to the other side of the court. They are doing it! They are fearless and strong, heroes to us all! Good for them! Despite all odds! Despite calf muscles long-since atrophied! Despite opening for each game’s headliner, Free T-Shirts. Despite…everything.

It triumphs.

Hofstra Basketball has been developing little sweat drops, little sweat drops upon its head since Your Honor, High Lord, King Queen, President Stuart Rabinowitz dissolved the football team into itty bitty pieces after having gone 0-23. Hofstra Basketball, it fills the void with aplomb! It has enough school spirit for the entire university. Hofstra Basketball goes. Goes each week, so we do not have to. With clammy hands and flames in their fast heart rates, Hofstra Basketball has continued to prove, week after week, that it will be the victorious team on campus. Who is this Quidditch? What is this Wrestle? None but Hofstra Basketball.

It conquers.

Despite. All. Odds.

Campus Profile: That Guy From Bits

By James Sweeney

An excerpt from our latest release, The Fake News Issue!

Mile High burger! I got a Mile High!”

A man, early 50s, moves swiftly behind an L-shaped counter. Students at Hofstra University see him almost every day, and while nobody is quite sure of his story, many have told him theirs. Who is this figure who is so deeply trusted, and yet even more deeply shrouded in mystery? Well, even that seems to be a point of controversy. Despite disagreements on a proper title, it’s not uncommon for Hofstra students from all walks of life to find themselves huddled around him in-between classes.

“Oh, you’re doing a story on the Calkins cat! I love that little guy!” said one student, who requested anonymity upon learning that we were in fact not doing a story on the Calkins cat, and that said cat is definitely not a boy.

“Oh, you’re doing a story on that that big dude that works at B.Y.O.B. in Bits and Bytes! I love that little guy!” said another student who, despite getting the subject of the story correct, also pushed pretty hard to have his name left out. Sorry Josh Newman, but we only get one per article.

While opinions on the guy from Bits — a.k.a. the head honcho behind one of the safer places to eat cooked meat on Hofstra’s storied campus — run the gamut, most students view him as tough but fair, a stern father-figure who’s made all the difference in their college experience thus far.

“I go to him for advice at least once a week,” said Hofstra student Jerrod Lattimore. “He just always knows what to say. Whether it’s hollering ‘Burger! I got a Cheeseburger here!’ and subsequently getting a bunch of spit-sweat on all the buns, or just staring right through me altogether for a solid minute-and-a-half when I ask him if I should drop the class I have with my ex, the big guy always knows how to push my buttons. I don’t where I’d be without him.”

Similar sentiments were shared by many Hofstra students. Time and time again, they said, his character has stood out to them as something worth noting.

“He’s always there when you need someone to just vent to,” said Casey Newton, a sophomore at Hofstra. “If my friends are ever busy and I need someone to listen to my problems and grunt in response, the guy from Bits is the first person I go to. Honestly, he’s more attentive than most of the guys I’ve dated, even if he does mostly just mumble the whole time about the grilled chicken still not being burnt enough. ‘I need more char,’ he always says. ‘I gotta have that char.’”

“Don’t get me wrong, the manager guy from Dutch Treats is pretty cool in his own right” said Hofstra senior Dustin Kennedy. “He taught me how to pick up girls with just a look and a smile, and he’s always willing to help me out when I’m low on meal points. But nobody – not even what’s-his-name from HofUSA – has impacted my life the way Bits guy has.”

When reached for comment, the nine-time Hofstra Food Service Employee of the Week had only this to say: “I told y’all I can’t say anything to anybody. Get outta my face with that shit – are you recording this? You want me to lose my job? Go ahead and put me in another one of your little stories. Really, go ahead and see what happens. I will find you.” There’s never a moment’s rest for the hardest working man on Hofstra’s campus. But he likes it that way, and so do we.

 

Local Student Praised On Presentation, Classmates Definitely Not Bitter

By Jordan Hopkins

An excerpt from The Fake News Issue!

Early this morning, sophomore rhetoric student, Stewart Peters, turned heads as he debuted his newest work, an excellent PowerPoint on the importance of interpersonal communication. Peters stole the show by including Word Art, seamless effects, and a “really cool” slide transition, according to sources. Reports are still coming in, but we are hearing that his first slide contained a sampling of “High School Never Ends” by critically acclaimed band Bowling For Soup, as well as several gifs of excited animals, and even a few anime characters dancing suggestively. Sources inside Room 301 of the school of communications are confirming that Peters received a grade of 98, and that his fellow classmates are “not bitter”.

“No, I think Stewart did great,” fellow classmate Amy Adams intimated to Nonsense Humor. “Really fantastic. I mean, I’m the one who showed him how to use Prezi in the first place, so I would appreciate a little credit, but it’s fine I guess. I’m happy for him, really.”

One of Peters’ groupmates, Max Peterson of Wantagh, echoed similar sentiments.

“I just wish he had given us a little more credit, but it’s cool or whatever. I mean, we all got the same grade, so I guess it’s cool. Whatever, I mean.”

This isn’t the first time Peters has turned heads with his presentations; in freshman year, he debuted a fifteen-slide PowerPoint presentation on metamorphic rocks.

“I mean, I’m just happy to be out there providing important information to the people,” Peters said. “Does it really matter who gets the credit? The important thing is that the rest of the class learns something new. I just hope Professor Simmons liked it.”

Erika Simmons could not be reached for comment.

Alleged HvZ Hazing Involved Induced Gameplay, A Cage, And Anti-Nonsense Imagery

By That Chronicle Reporter

An excerpt from our latest release, The Fake News Issue.

I was five months into my investigation of the hazing allegations levied at Sigma Pi fraternity when I caught wind of something far more sinister. Hofstra students are likely to remember the well publicized and widely clicked-on reporting that brought us the images that are now iconic additions to the Hofstra canon. A man shoved in a cage? That’s pretty stirring. How about two fraternity brothers showering each other in regurgitated dairy? Haven’t forgotten that image, have you? Of course not, because The Chronicle published it and the New York Post republished it, without credit. Well, that was in November, and despite our best efforts to wring as much publicity from this story as possible, the Sigma Pi trail has gone cold. It was at this juncture that the editors of Nonsense Humor Magazine informed me that something far worse was brewing behind Hofstra’s closed doors. Even worse than praying on the insecurities of young men to somehow validate yourself before becoming continuously caught up in a cycle of abuse from which you will never likely escape, worse than hanging out on a regular basis with the people who be-caged you, and worse than me not yet being verified on Twitter.  All of these small grievances paled in comparison to the shit storm I was made aware of, in the killing fields that are the HvZ hazing ground. Former members reduced to shambling corpses, foregoing social interaction, hunting down other members, shadows of what they once were… But why? And for what gain?

The trouble within the HvZ organization began when an anonymous source gave Nonsense Humor unfiltered Groupme messages concerning the 2015-2016 school year. References made to players being pushed to attend “rules meetings” or suffer the consequence of not playing in “the Big Game.” Reports indicate that other coercive hazing techniques were employed, including discouraging members from consuming alcohol during meetings, not immediately adding new members to the groupchat and forcing members to engage in public displays of humiliation, such as playing with children’s toys in public.

“It’s just messed up, you know? Not letting club members drink during meetings. I tried to join HvZ my freshman year, and when I pulled out my cans of 4loko, they asked if it could wait until after the meeting,” said the greased up Nonsense underclassman we chased down and asked for comment. “That’s what I love about Nonsense. Hahaha, they get it. One time, Matt told me to race another kid to see who could finish one faster, haha, to see who was coolest. I won. I was the coolest. I just wish people didn’t feel like they have to be hazed in order to feel like they fit in somewhere.”


While these screenshots did not seem to point to the most destructive parts of the organization, it did reveal an even stranger incident. Images of members with Nerf guns, and other foam weaponry as well as an empty cage in the background raised many questions. While Nonsense Humor was not able to confirm what the cage could possibly be for, randomly shouted out suggestions ranged from a new age bookshelf to alien torture device used to indoctrinate new members. We sought an official comment from HvZ, to attempt to clarify the situation, to no avail.

“It’s a filing cabinet, you vultures! It’s a filing cabinet!” cried the President of HvZ when we asked him to explain himself. “Get that microphone out of my face! I saw you take my name plate off of my desk and slip it in your bag I would really like to have it back please. Why are you doing thi–” But it was no use. They would continue to dodge our answers.

The largest grievance of all came from another batch of GroupMe screenshots, this time highlighting a short discussion between several members concerning the critically acclaimed 2015 Hofstra Issue of Nonsense Humor Magazine. The names of students involved in this conversation have purposefully been omitted from this article to better protect the identities of those involved.

“Yeah I just read that new Nonsense Issue?”

“How was it?”

“To be honest, it was kind of eh. I don’t know why they bring us up.”

“Sounds weird, I’ll pass.”

“Do they not like us or something? I’m friends with a couple of them, and they say that everything is fine. It just seems kind of unfair, when they are literally just as insular, weird and–”

The conversation goes on from there, but it only becomes more offensive and shocking, however the focus of the story cannot be on poor tastes and a lack of a keen sense of humor as shown in the previous interaction, but instead on the terrifying treatment of those who cannot handle the rigorous hazing process. Students go from active and outgoing with bright futures to empty shells who live to hunt down the more successful “survivors” of the hazing, seeking to convert them.

When reached out for comment, the school simply regurgitated their anti-hazing policy and promised to send out another email.

Article by Jesse Saunders and Matthew Tanzosh.

Like what you’ve read? Check out Nonsense’s first ever Humor Variety Show this Friday the 31st, at 7pm in the Hofstra Cultural Center Theater!

Guy Who Always Wears Shorts Found Dead Behind Estabrook After So-Called “Blizzard”

By Sam Thor

In the early hours of March 14th, Hofstra University closed its campus due the heavy snowstorm that was projected to hit. However, this did not deter one student from showing off his legs to everyone who didn’t want to see them. Phi Delta Theta member Rex Whiteman, was discovered dead, face down into the snow, possibly trying to make his way to Dutch Treats.

Authorities only discovered him when they saw his ugly Nike highlight yellow shorts poking out of the snow. While the shorts definitely did not match the rest of the dead boy’s outfit, they did help Public Safety officers find him. When approaching the body, officers found his knock-off Beats By Dre headphones playing a one-track loop of How Far I’ll Go by Moana. Obviously, he did not go very far.

The coroner confirmed that Whiteman’s legs finally shut down after never being clothed for three years. The snow latched on to his pleading skin, and slowly his legs turned blue before he fell. Without the use of his legs, the boy slowly froze to death behind Estabrook. Apparently, no one in the building wanted to help him.

When asked about the event, Rex’s roommate, Kevin James, a student that is not the actor—but basically looks and acts just like him—said“He is fucking idiot, man. A waste a space. Honestly we’ve all been waiting.”

Rex’s mother, Gina Whitewoman, said “I buy him so many pairs of pants. Why did he never wear them? He never even went to the gym! His legs didn’t look that good.”

Rex Whiteman’s funeral was held today, March 15th. However, since classes weren’t cancelled, many students were unable to attend. The attire was all black, but each attendee was forced to brandish a Nike logo somewhere on their outfit. Mountain Dew was the sole refreshment served, and only in shot glasses.smalllogo

Student Continues to Use Debate as Excuse 3 Weeks After Event Concludes

By Jesse Saunders

Hempstead, NY – Already ten minutes late for class, local Hofstra Honors College student, Joe Ryan, 21, has chosen to take one last class off to recover from the first presidential debate held at Hofstra University which concluded a little over three weeks ago. When asked about the seven classes he has skipped since the debate Ryan said, “I was just so washed out, ya know? It’s a once in a lifetime experience, and I just need a break.” Ryan is among a growing minority of students who swear they would have been fine if the school’s administration had just given them the day off immediately following the debate that concluded on Sept. 27th, 2016.

Three weeks after the event, Ryan skipping class and the few remaining banners are the only evidence of Hofstra’s third presidential debate. Professor of sociology, Matt Eastwood, remains sympathetic to his students cause. “The students were just so excited, and I mean I’m sure they’ll get their work in on time,” said Eastwood, “Students never take advantage of my relaxed attendance policy.” Eastwood then returned to teaching his class of three freshmen while the last upperclassmen packed up and left.

When asked about his professor while taking a casual stroll to the Acid Fields, Ryan said, “Oh yeah Eastwood is super great… he taught me a lot about psychology? Good guy, his class is in Breslin though which is a little inconvenient for me, but I’ll be back once I get caught up on work I missed in the debate.” Many students joined Ryan in recovering from the stress that occurred almost 18 business days ago, caused by Hofstra’s third presidential debate.

While students are slowly, but totally catching up on the work they missed while preparing for the one-day event that occurred over 23 full days ago, Hofstra administration begins to prepare their application for the 2020 presidential debate. Provost Gail Simmons was happy to comment on how proud she was of students when she was cornered by a Nonsense reporter.

“I couldn’t be happier with our student’s participation, especially our helpful alumni like David S. Mack. Our students and their bank accounts are really an asset to our university,” said Simmons. Simmons, among other administrators, was found celebrating Hofstra’s move up in the Princeton review’s ranking of school’s that have had the most presidential debates, while planning to tear down the student center to make a permanent debate hall.

As the week three at post-debate Hofstra concludes, Ryan along with many other students can be found sleeping soundly, recovering from the historic event that occurred more than seven classes ago, preparing for another day with a new excuse to miss class.