Category Archives: Self-Indulgent Jokes

Hofstra Adds “Cards Against Long Island” Jokes To List of Achievements

By Zachary Johnson

Started in 2015, a Kickstarter campaign by Michael Sarrantonio funds a Long Island themed expansion pack to the wildly popular “Cards Against Humanity” card game. The unofficial, unaffiliated game expansion features jokes poking fun at Long Island, some of which include Hofstra University.

“I have to say when we found out about the campaign we were absolutely thrilled,” A spokesperson for Hofstra University, who may or may not be the President of this University—whose name we have published so many times in our last issue that we really can’t continue to make jokes about him—is quoted as saying. “We were looking for another way to desperately pander to a young audience after we tried sending a postcard to every single high school student in the world. To be quite honest we were looking for anything that we could just throw money at.”

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Hofstra University’s donation chalks up to a very generous $5,000,000. “Great Job! We Support You And Hope You Succeed In All Of Your Goals!” the donation message reads. “We Hope You Got That #Hofstra #Pride!”

“The project really looked like it was going to fail before Hofstra donated. I mean do people really still play this game? We couldn’t have done it without them,” Michael Sarrantonio, the creator of the unofficial expansion, is quoted as saying. “All they requested was we feature them on a specified amount of cards, with the logo, and then they made us sign a contract with a small-text addendum requiring us to pay them a copyright fee for each logo we print. I’m not sure how all the money adds up in the end, but I think we broke even?”

Upon the game’s official launch, Vice President for University Relations, whose name I guess we’ll omit because, I mean, idk fuck, I don’t know who this person is, I’ve never met them. I mean I met the President of the University once (and he told me he doesn’t read Nonsense because it makes him feel uncomfortable, but he also said he doesn’t read the Chronicle either, which I think is ridiculous, but what would I know, some sports journalist told us not to use the Chronicle’s name) but I guess at this point I should really just omit the President’s name for really various reasons. Anyway so, this other person, whoever the fuck they are, gave a press release in the University Club. “It is with great honor,” They said softly, avoiding the eyes of any student journalists in the crowd, “that I commend Michael Sarrantonio for his generous joke mentions, on nearly half of the cards in the whole deck. Jokes like ‘I woke up at Hofstra with _______ in my ass’, ‘I got mentioned in Hofstra’s Public Safety Briefs for ____’, or ‘Getting accepted into Hofstra is so easy, even a _______ could do it!’ only serve to strengthen the dignity of such a fine community, where all of our students are just so creative.”

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At press time, Hofstra University President—whose name we really should just honestly not even utter aloud after we literally beat that dead horse joke over and over and over again—was further quoted as saying, “Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret here ladies and gents. Money is tight around here. We can’t even afford to buy more million dollar trees from Europe, let alone actually renovate and refurbish student dorms that are literally falling apart. I wanted to pick a smart, costly way to appeal to the youth, but I didn’t want to do it cheaply, so I just cut the salary of each cafeteria and grounds employee by 15%. I think we could say that it’s their way of giving back.”

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The Hofstra themed cards have been wildly popular among prospective high school students. Jake Palm from Allentown, Pennsylvania is quoted as saying “I go to school with people who fuck their cousins, so my high school is already a joke. I feel like I could find a really comfortable home at Hofstra, now more than ever.”

“Does anybody even play this fucking game anymore?” Asks Teresa Schafer, from New Jersey. “Also what publication is this for? The school newspaper?”

Yeah. Something like that.

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After a rich, delicious luncheon to luxuriously celebrate the occasion of being able to use something, i.e. a press conference, to eat like rich people in the University Club, the University President and staff opened up for questions. Patting this reporter on the back, the President of Hofstra’s University, whose name I think I just don’t even know at this point because I have literally worn it out, said, “You know kid, it’s become harder and harder to reach your generation, but I think we’ve finally found a solid and costly approach. The more joy we induce, the better our profit. Oh, uh? Did I say profit? I meant to say ‘community.’ Hofstra is a non-profit.”

At press time OSLE reported that the shipping of the cards would actually be delayed, as they had some questions and concerns about the content on the cards, and they wanted to clear some things up before the cards went to the printers. The release date has been officially postponed.

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Hofstra Versus Zombies: Gun Control

By Charles Bukkake

An excerpt from The Hofstra Issue

It’s been a minute since Hofstra Vs. Zombies has made the news for another tragic incident. An innocent bystander getting shot between the eyes, forcing them to drop their books, papers, hookah pen, and consequently their Hofstra pride, is nothing new. “Fucking shit-balls!” exclaims one Hofstra student we reached for comment, rubbing the Velcro out of his eye, “Seein’ as those fellas must be nice guys, they should kindly crawl back into the friendzone they so unjustly belong in.” However, this time the stakes have been raised—and I’m not talking about your daddy’s rib-eye. Earlier today, a senior citizen was shot and killed making their merry way over to the best pizza on the island.

“Bitch was so old, she may as well have been the walking dead,” explains the charismatic, dangerous and probable virgin Malcom “xxx_ShadowDragon_xxx” (as he insisted we called him). “I just bought this beauty at a K-Mart in East Garden City. There was no test or background check, well, aside from the Q-T cashier checking me out!” Yes, he indeed wrote out “Q” and “T” in the air with his damp finger.

Is it really this simple to purchase a “beauty” of that magnitude with little to no restrictions by our federal government? Does East Garden City even have a local government? We consulted local gun expert Mike Hunt and even local-er expert Xavier “No Chill” Johnson.

“Listen. The fact of the…the fact of the…the matter at hand here is the fact that liberals can eat my dick. I repeat, liberals can eat my dick. What was I talking about? Right—as I was saying, my ass is so clenched that I lost all feeling in my legs about thirty seconds ago. Please help me.” Mr. Hunt does drive a compelling point. Nerf guns don’t kill people, but dying of secondhand embarrassment at the fact that you manually carved a radioactive symbol onto a forty dollar nerf gun does. I bet that “instrument” isn’t even fucking radioactive. Fuck.

Mr. Johnson, however, also provides some pretty decent feedback. “So are you buying any weed or what?”

My homie, “No Chill” states the obvious in implying that guns need to be regulated when there is, technically speaking, a school shooting every time this organization meets. Uh-oh…what’s this? Breaking news? It appears we are having more action on the scene than a hot pocket in a lean cuisine. A devilishly dapper debonair appears before us, cheeto dust swirling in a tornado of desperation and class. Donning an emerald cloak, shrouding his tragic past, he speaks. “Good day to thee, my fine gentlesirs.” With this mere phrase our news team is bewitched as our undergarments smash the floor with unquenchable lust.

“You see, ‘tis not the size of the gun that is important; rather, it is the way in which you pwn noobs-er..peasants with said gun. Or so my girlfriend—Girlfriends! tell me.” Pulling me in by my tie, he whispers, “But it sure does help if you have a Desert Falcon Blaster 69xxx laser-mounted, special edition, Mountain Dew fueled-euphoria enducing, triple-action meat beater-killswitch engage-cockgrinder with auto-erotic asphyxia controls and a dignity depletion rate of 923 dates per picosecond.” Noticing Edith the—now terrified—intern, he tipped his authentic Indiana Jones replica headpiece and uttered “Farewell, fair maiden. Until we meet in the land of sunlight” and vanished, leaving nothing behind but the faint odor of Axe Bodywash and starch.

We don’t mean to harass people who are happy doing what they do. As a matter of fact, more power to them for being less cynical and douchey than our team of accountants (who are also probably armed). All we are saying is that—shit! You have an office! An OFFICE. You guys always seem so happy! It’s disgusting. Do you guys even know how to roll your eyes? It is disgusting. We are not bitter. Please give us our office back.

Hofstra’s 5 Hottest Cults

By Tyler Barragan

An excerpt from The Hofstra Issue!

#5 The Followers of  Dionysus

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    Bringing that devil may care aesthetic to Hofstra, The Followers of Dionysus are here. Sporting clothes drenched in sweat and vomit, smelling of Four Loko, these thirsty youngsters are just looking for a good time. So if you are looking for a time you probably won’t remember look no further because this is what you’re looking for.

#4 The Children of Baphomet

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   We all know that black is coming back this year and so do The Children. These stylish hell spawn worshipping heathens dawning fabulous black robes and a fetching pentagram carved in their chests know how to keep it classy. Keeping up with the hot trends of beheading your enemies and selling your immortal soul for earthly pleasures this club is heading for the big times. So if you’re looking for your dream to be fulfilled simply sacrifice a goat and chant the Hofstra almamater and join The Children of Baphomet.

#3 Stuart’s Goblin Army

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    It seems our President Stuart “Rootin Tootin” Rabinowitz  himself has been instrumental in the foundation of this cult. Stuart’s Goblin Army is hitting the scene in style; sporting that business casual look with blazers and converse with pockets overflowing with embezzled club funds. These cute red skinned, sharp tusked little buggers are so devoted Goblin King Stuart Rabinowitz that they get their foreskin sewed back on to resemble their leader. So if you’re ready to be replaced by a little red imp monster and spend the rest of your time here at Hofstra locked away in the dungeon of Hofstra Hall than simply run for election into Stuart’s Goblin Army.

#2 Hofstra Versus Zombies

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    HVZ, need I say more, these guys know how to bring glamour back to Hofstra. Of course to really get to know these guys you best be in HVZ because they tend to stick together. Keeping it hip in their fedoras, face paint, and those absolutely dashing Attack on Titan capes these guys take to Hofstra’s campus in a big way. Even if you don’t know them personally they’ll make sure to let you know they’re there because those nerf darts are going to hit you if the members don’t run into you first. So if you’re ready to have the whole campus looking at you, join HVZ.

#1 Nonsense Humor

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    If self-indulgence were style, these kicky youngsters would be Jacqueline Onassis. Dressed in the finest silks that probably have their club name on them or something, these kids sure know how to let you know they exist. Super meta, these people are the best known cult on campus—breaking down what it really means to be a cult. Traditionally, cults are meant to be secretive, so shouting about boners on the unispan dressed like an indie rock singer may seem counterproductive. This is what makes them the best.