Fuck the introduction, let’s just get to the gifs. You already knew what we were going to bang on about anyways.
1. This just says it all, and you agree with us.
2. For real though, doesn’t this one just erase the need for us to write anything at all?
3. You know where we’re coming from. We understand you.
4. We’re getting paid a whopping $2.50, the approximate price of one female condom, per article either way, so it makes no real difference how much we write. That aside, can’t we admit this is just so much better than whatever dribble we were going to write underneath this?
5. We’ve got you, boo. We know what you want. Exactly what you want.
6. Wouldn’t it be better if we were just honest about what you want? We know you’re here for the gifs. Take a look at this one. So cute, isn’t it?
7. And listen, if we were you, we would be too. If we were you, we would be here for everything and anything that you’re here for. That’s how special our connection is. Here, this one is funny.
8. Because he’s not a mermaid! Get it? And he doesn’t have breasts! Wow, Friends is such a classic.
9. Wow. What do you think is going on here? LOL.
10. Anyways, now that we’re at the end of this list I hope that we’re all in agreement that this was a much better time than whatever the hell this was going to originally be about. Have a nice day, and don’t forget to follow us on social media so we can keep relating to each other, because we are the same.Heart, mind, body, and soul. We get you. You get us. We all get each other together. Forever. And Ever. And Ever. 😀
Here’s a list of five guys you might have met on Tinder had Hofstra not decided that we were children incapable of choosing our own web content.
1. The “Mr. Fedorable”
Maybe it’s something in the way he combs the stray hairs in his neck beard, and how they’re never quite right. Or perhaps it’s the fact that his hands always have motherfucking Dorito crumbs on them, regardless of whether or not he has just eaten Doritos. Maybe it’s the stained My Little Pony t-shirt, or maybe it’s the jorts. Regardless, something about him just puts you off. He calls you beautiful, he strokes your ego; but somehow you think he’s really just stroking his metaphorical penis. He may or may not compare you to his waifu. You’re afraid to reject him, as you’re sure that he’ll either fall into a downward spiral of unmitigated depression and frustration, or he’ll go into a “friendzone” tailspin, shouting saliva-filled obscenities into his Xbox headset. Stay away from this guy. Film major.
TYPICAL TINDER NAME: Young Master Kyle (Xx_Underdog2395_xX)
TYPICAL PROFILE PIC: Sitting on his computer chair, fedora tilted at a seductive angle. Usually clutching a rose.
2. The “My Dad’s Paying in Full”
He’s willing to buy you dinner. But don’t count yourself too lucky: he was willing to pay for his whole building to install AC units in the rooms so he wouldn’t be too hot. His car costs more than your soul and he would never brag about it, though the blazer entirely made out of $100 bills says more than enough. Accounting major.
TYPICAL TINDER NAME: Scott J. Bronson III
TYPICAL PROFILE PIC: Standing next to some politician with a thumbs-up and a goofy grin, as though some potential employer will see it and actually care.
3. The “Weedwhacker”
Once a promising individual, this man stumbled into a Supreme store on accident and never left. It’s likely that any day, either his lungs or the muscles in his right arm will simply stop working, but somehow he powers through. He wears a bucket hat to hide his hair loss, and though you’ll have a special place in his heart, his smoking/jerking arm will always precede his love for you. Fucked his bong once on accident. Or was it? Business major.
TYPICAL TINDER NAME: Based Gavin
TYPICAL PROFILE PIC: A blurry picture of what appears to be a young man, with a quote underneath it that reads, “You must love yourself before you love others.”
4. The “Giuseppe”
An overused meme of a human. He makes “The Situation” look diffused. A true Long Island fanatic, he’s really from Superior, Nebraska, and thinks this is how all Long Islanders behave. Was featured in several episodes of The Jersey Shore as a wasted extra. Most likely has the Italian flag emoji in his description. Likes a finger in the ass, but not too far: any more than two inches is gay.
TYPICAL TINDER NAME: Paulyyyyyy 😉
TYPICAL PROFILE PIC: A Day-Glo orange man with an NWA cap worn on the side, standing in front of a mirror without a shirt on. His lips say “kiss me” but his eyes say “help.”
5. The “Brainwashed” Democrat
Trying way too hard to be normal, this young gentleman comes from a family where tattoos are bad and casual human sex is right up there with fucking Hitler’s severed head in public. Possibly suffering from serious mental trauma, the “Brainwashed” Democrat won the “Most Likely to be Hiding a Naked Dead Girl in His Trunk” award in high school. He’s been backpacking since he was four, and secretly promised himself to get as crunk as possible in the first few months of freshman year. Political science major.
TYPICAL TINDER NAME: Tom
TYPICAL PROFILE PIC: A young man standing alone in front of a statue of an unimportant historical figure. Sometimes he’s smiling, but mostly he’s showing the true pain he feels inside.
My father died fifteen years ago today in a horrific motorboating accident. It’s taken some time for me to get over it. I mean, I was four at the time, so my memories of it aren’t too strong. But as my therapist will tell you, it certainly had an impact on my life.
“Freud tells us that homosexuality comes from an absent father,” he says. “The reason you’re gay is because you never had a dad growing up.” I mean, he has the degree and I don’t, so the man must be right. To tell you the truth, I’ve never really felt like I was attracted to men… but my mom used to tell me the doctor is always right, so I never felt the need to question him.
Honoring the wonderful gift that my father gave me on the anniversary of his death, here I was on Grindr, scrolling through Hofstra’s ever-replenishing resources of twinks that want to be actors, when all of a sudden I found this:
I mean wow. What a perfect gift on the day of my father’s death! It’s like Grindr finally made sense! After all the dick pics from 30 year old men and the faceless abdomens who sent you 33 “heys” in 2 minutes, I finally understood the point of the app: Everyone on there was looking for the father figure they never had!
This could be my cure! Maybe if I found a stable father figure, God would finally love me again! I knew I had to message him immediately!
“hey.” I said at 2:21.
“hi blue eyes,” He said back at 2:22. “very sexy wow.”
Finally, a paternal figure who knew how to boost my self-confidence!
“I’ve always wanted a dad,” I said.
“want to watch me play with my big meat?”
It’s like all my dreams of father-son barbecues and marinating steaks had finally come true. “No, dad,” I said. “I’d like to help you tenderize it myself.”
“U pitch or catch? U look like a little pitcher bitch.”
Tears came to my eyes, as I took the mitt out from under my pillow where it had been for fifteen long years. Luckily I was already sufficiently broken in! I’ve always wanted to play baseball, and I liked that my dad knew when to use derogatory terms for women to playfully insult my skill. What more could I ask for?
So we decided to meet up in the parking lot of Western Beef (just a short walk from Mineola station!) in an hour. I could hardly contain my excitement. But what would I wear?
Eventually I decided on a short-cut pair of gym shorts, just in case we ended up doing something physical, and a crop top shirt so I could show my dad that I had strong abs. Then I wondered what kind of athletics he was into. Sure, if he liked sports then I was all prepared for that, but what if he was a swimmer or a triathlete? I put my speedo on, just in case, and then swapped out my gym shorts for a nice, tight pair of short-cut biker shorts. I also then took the time to shave my chest, crotch, and legs so I could show him I knew all about swimming!
Happy and positively buzzing from the softness of my smooth, hairless body, I took the bus to Mineola Station, and wandered around the parking lot. I was just about to message him and ask where he was, when a huge, muscly man came up behind me and ran his hand up my newly shaven thighs.
“God damn you’ve got a nice ass, don’t you?”
I was so glad my dad was complementing me on my body tone, I didn’t even know how to respond. Without another word, he pulled me into his car and we drove off. I was so excited to have a new dad that I didn’t know how to make conversation at first. My dad must have sensed my nervousness, and tenderly put a hand on my thigh.
“You like that?”
“Oh yes, dad!” I said. “I’ve been waiting my whole life to be touched by my father.”
When we finally arrived at his house, he sat down on the couch and insisted I sit on his lap.
“Dad, don’t you think I’m a little old for this?”
“Nonsense,” He said. “Why don’t we get you out of those shorts?”
“How did you know?” I said, stripping down into my Speedo. Boy was I lucky I thought of that at the last minute! “I just can’t wait to go swimming with you dad!”
“Swimming?” My dad said, raising an eyebrow. “Well… you won’t need your swim suit for that.”
My father pulled me close to him again, and as I shifted around in his lap, I started to feel that he had an erection. It was then that I knew something was wrong. I took one look at his large, bulging, sweaty muscles and shook my head.
“Dad… have you been taking steroids?” My own father, suffering an erection from the increased testosterone levels in his body! I had to help him. “Dad, you know there are better ways to bulk up, right?”
He turned me to face him, so my thighs were sandwiched around his stomach. “Like physical activity?” He winked.
“Well… it depends. If you mean cardio… well it’s good for you but I mean, weightlifting is definitely where you want to put your focus.”
“So that’s how you like it, eh?”
Just as my dad put his hands on my legs and slid them back to cup the bulge of my newly shaven ass cheeks, his front door exploded open.
“Get out of my son!” A gruff voice said, and my real dad, my biological dad, walked in the doorway wearing sunglasses and a nice leather jacket.
“Dad!” I screamed, overcome with tears of joy. “Dad, you’re alive!”
“I came back from the dead, son. I came back just for you. I couldn’t… I couldn’t bear to watch you HAVE GAY SEX WITH THIS MAN.”
I looked at my surrogate father in shock. Did this man really just want me for sex?
“What the hell is going on here?” My surrogate father asked.
“Divine intervention,” My father said. And then I saw the halo.
My dad is Jesus?
“Everyone’s dad is Jesus,” Jesus said.
How did you hear me say that?
“Jesus can hear everyone’s thoughts. Now lets get you out of here, and lets teach this homosexual a lesson of two. A rough lesson,” Jesus winked.
A few moments later, we were off, riding on the two-man bicycle that Jesus had parked out front. My surrogate dad sat in the back, and I straddled Jesus in the front as we made our way to the motel room Jesus had booked in Hicksville, but not before making a quick stop in the Utopia 18+ section!
Now, instead of one dad, I have two! It’s like I knew it in my heart all along… I’ve always had two dads inside of me, way, way deep inside of me. And I hope that’s the way it’ll always be.
1983 Til Right Fucking Now "Hofstra University's Only Intentional Humor Magazine"