Dear YOUR NAME HERE,
Firstly, your buddies over at the Department of Public Safety would like to thank you again for choosing Hofstra as the place to get away from your overbearing parents. We understand the college selection process can be about as fun as slamming your finger repeatedly in a car door, and we know that you must be feeling plenty of mixed emotions upon becoming a member of the Pride. Not to worry! The Department of Public Safety is dedicated to making sure that you never, ever have to worry about us coming near you. Ever!
Since this is your first year, the Department of Public Safety would like to remind you of a few regulations, beginning with Hofstra’s bathroom policy. As stated in the Student Handbook which you absolutely read in-full, students are only permitted to pee in several bathrooms located on campus. This rule is applied to the following buildings:
- Berliner Hall
- The Lawrence Herbert School of Communication
- The David S. Mack Student Center
- Your dormitory
- The Popeye’s down the block
- The master bathroom of my ex-wife’s home
Any student caught pooping in these buildings will be reprimanded, and may face expulsion from Hofstra University. This is first and foremost a place for learning, so as a member of the Hofstra Pride it is our expectation that you, the student, will learn to just, y’know, hold it in. We don’t want you to poop yourself in public, but if that’s what it takes to get you ready for the real world, so be it.
Secondly, the Department of Public Safety would like to remind all incoming freshmen that Hofstra University will be adhering strictly to its No-Fun Policy this year. Anything bright, shiny, colorful, entertaining or fun will be confiscated promptly. Additionally, we would like to remind you that illegal drugs are prohibited on all parts of campus that don’t require us to make a three-point-turn. We’re cool, we’re laid back, and we totally do our jobs; we understand that life as a member of the Pride can be stressful, tiring, and all-in-all just pretty bad. We get it. That being said, if you or someone you know is in possession of alcohol, marijuana, nunchuks, or any other illegal substances, please let a Public Safety officer know. He or she will be more than happy to get “lit” and/or “turnt” with you. We hope you can eventually learn to see us as that quiet kid in class whom you unexpectedly bumped into at a party. You’re surprised, yet pleased to see us finally letting loose and having fun.
For your safety, the Department of Public Safety would like to offer a few tips for your first year:
- If you see any suspicious activity, call the Nassau County Police Department. We hate playing the bad guy and ruining the fun, and we really hate getting our hands dirty.
- That being said, if you’re ever in any kind of emergency ever and you need to call an ambulance, call us first. The ambulance can wait. Dave is really hella good with a first aid kit so we’ll send him over there first to get you checked out.
- Any written questions of concerns can be placed in the garbage receptacle located on the street corner outside of the Public Safety & Information Center. We’ll mind our own business as long as you mind yours. Don’t make us call the police. Then it becomes a matter of public record, and we realllly don’t need that right now. It’d be p unchill.
- All Hofstra dormitory doors lock automatically. If you become locked out of your room, please call the Public Safety Non-Emergency Hotline. Or the Emergency line, whichever. A Public Safety officer will arrive at your room sometime within the following two hours, except of course on #ThirsyThursday. Our speedy arrival is contingent on you leaving us alone, so just be chill and mind your tone.
- The speed limit on campus is 3.1 miles per hour, and is strictly enforced. Many students think they can outrun us, but rest assured that this is physically and legally impossible. We have Segways.
We respect your right to have questions or concerns about any of the aforementioned policies. Your four short years at college should be filled with fun. But not too much fun – who do you think you are, a member of the Department of Public Safety? (We kid, of course). Our time is your money, and we want to remind you that your money is valued highly here at Hofstra. Thank you for your attention. We look forward to another wonderful year of watching you shuffle to class while avoiding eye contact with us.
Derek J. Skeet IV
Director of Public Safety