Welcome to Hofstra University: The School That’s Pretty Close To New York City! You’ve probably chosen to attend this school because of this singular fact. Since we have to tell you what to do with your spare time, why not take a journey into the Closest City To Hofstra On Earth, courtesy of our very own OSLE. Log into the Hofstra portal (My.Hofstra.edu) to sign up for the trip of your choice, if you can figure out how the fuck to navigate that thing!
Saturday, September 3rd
J Train Extravaganza! – 3 AM
Enter the gaping maw of the MTA and allow the city herself to consume you. Travel, like a parasite within a tapeworm, through her bowels. Listen, to a mariachi band, on your commute. If you see something, say NOTHING.
Rudy Giuliani’s Big Gay Ice Cream Adventure – 4:11 PM
What better way to celebrate a random Sunday in September than with an outing to Manhattan’s most tolerant ice cream joint! If you’ve got nothing better to do, come pick out your favorite toppings and listen to former Mayor Giuliani give a speech about how he thought the movie Stonewall was pretty good. “Don’t Forget” to register in the student center beforehand!
Museum of Sex – 6:90 PM
Lol dude they have like a giant statue of a penis there or something
Sunday, September 4th
Get Kicked Out Of Cats The Musical, Matinee – 3:11 PM
Join the Hofstra Alliance for Feline Liberation in their protest of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s hit musical. Demand that they free the long, tall cats from their tight pantsuits, campy makeup, and weak storyline.
Gentrification Nation! – 4:20 PM
Cruise down Kent Ave and observe glistening new condos being constructed before your very eyes! Walk past several falafel carts and family-owned restaurants on your way to Smorgasburg – Where White People Feel Comfortable Ordering Ethnic Food. Finish out your day by going to one of those bars where it’s decorated like a trailer inside.
Get Like Really Lost In The Bronx – 9:23 PM
Oct 22nd – Get Like Really Lost In The Bronx – Build character the fast and easy way! Put your hood up and pretend like you’re on your way to visit your friend at Fordham. A perfect introduction to New York’s more “authentic” neighborhoods for students just arriving in Hempstead.