From the Desk of *Hofstra University representative*,
We here at Hofstra are proud to uphold our tradition of inclusivity and diversity. It’s like how your family has a tradition of going to the Jersey Shore, Cape Cod, or Vegas at the end of every Summer—we have students from all fifty states, if you haven’t heard. It’s kind of our thing. Yes, our tradition is just like yours. Except instead of sunning ourselves on some beach, we care about DIVERSITY. No matter which upper-middle class area, in whatever state you may hail from, we are determined to keep you comfortable. Maya Angelou once said that, “It is time for parents to teach young people early on that in diversity there is beauty and there is strength,” and we want Hofstra to be like your parents [Disclaimer: Hofstra has no official stance on Daddygate. We can say it in an official E-mail if you want]. Malcolm Forbes once called diversity “the art of thinking independently together.” Diversity. Tolerance. Intersectionality. We pledge to you that—okay, okay, hold on a second. Let’s just be real with you here. You know what diversity is really the art of? It’s the art of Daddy not getting sued, okay? Let us let you in on a little secret: we have no idea what intersectionality even means, okay? We just took a cursory glance at Tumblr and whatever we managed to pick up in those fifteen minutes (minus the porn .gifs) made it into the charter, OKAY? Because otherwise you get protests. Do you want protests? Huh? We sure don’t. Look, we understand that millennials are changing everything, and we’re trying to roll with the punches so we don’t get #ConcernedStudent1960’d. So just remain calm, and let us dictate your own culture to you for a few bullet points and we can all go home. Here are our Community Guidelines:
–Trigger Warning Everything
It’s like “parental discretion is advised”, except we’re your parents now. If you do this, you can get away with whatever comes after, because you can’t say you weren’t warned! Ryan Murphy showed a severed dick on cable Television. Like, c’mon! Trigger warnings are a legitimate way to ease students into necessary but sensitive subject matter, while providing thought to the spectrum of backgrounds you all may be coming from. Fine. Sure. At least, that’s what we read. We don’t really care. Get triggered all you want. Go crazy! (Perhaps a poor choice of words). At Hofstra, mental health services are on the house. Well, the first three visits are. Then its 30 bucks a pop until the grad student helping you has enough data to write a paper. Then your money is no good here anymore. I think there’s a place by the Popeye’s? Don’t go past Popeye’s though. What we’re trying to say is, if you label everything correctly with a TW, no one can say we didn’t try. And be serious! TW all the way! None of that weak sauce CW shit. The only thing good to come out of CW was Arrow, and that steeply dropped off after season 4.
–Jokes? Who Needs ‘Em!
We all know that jokes are the most serious thing in the world. Try to avoid them. You might think your “Student Center? I hardly know her!” quip might be harmless, but like, who even knows any more. Make sure that you roll your eyes really hard and really visibly, in order to send the right message to your fellow students that levity is not something you will tolerate. The best way to erase bigotry is to avoid discussing it completely. Delete all of your friends/followers on social media who don’t understand this. Avoid watching CNN. And if you already have Yik Yak installed just delete it now, because it gets hella racist whenever some of the stuff that we AREN’T TALKING ABOUT OKAY happens on campus. Take Back the Night was a gnarly time to be on Yik Yak.
–It’s On Us
Speaking of activism on campus (which we will refuse to do following this short bullet point, forever, we promise), just know that it is entirely encouraged—provided that it speaks to abstract terms of “institutions” and “the system”. Hofstra hates “the system” too! Unless you’re talking about our system, in which case you may be hearing from our lawyers. Slander is strictly against community guidelines. Remember, Its On Us, by which we mean it’s on You. Worry not, we will provide you a platform to yell at each other for being problematic. Leave us out of it though. Thanks!
Also, Hofstra is wheelchair accessible! We were the first to do that! That’s not a community guideline, but we didn’t know where else to put that! Thanks and please please please don’t sue.