Trust me, I know how you feel right now. I was in your shoes last year! You are worried about that first day at Hofstra University. Is Hofstra going to live up to its “almost NYU” reputation? You never thought you would be in this position; you never even thought about Hofstra until your guidance counselor recommended you put a safe school on your list. Nonetheless, here you are! And here you will be for the next four years, so here are some tips to make your move-in day prideful and purposeful.
Stop Sweating So Much
Holy shit man/girl/mangirl, you are sweating balls. Keep it cool, keep it ice cold. You are sweating like Meek Mill at a Drake concert. No one is gonna talk to you if you keep sweating this much, and you will be all alone all year, and you will have no one to go out with, so you decide to focus on your studies. One night mid-semester you will be having so much trouble writing an essay for your poli sci class that you decide to have a good cry in the shower. You cry and cry and cry. “You are a piece of shit” you tell yourself. You realize the crying spell is really because you have no friends because you sweat through your shirt on move-in day. You look at yourself staring back at you in the toothpaste stained hall bathroom mirror and let out a scream from deep inside the black hole that has consumed your insides. You return to your room and your roommate asks if you are alright. You wipe the tears off your sweaty friendless face and quietly say, “Never been better.” So stop sweating like a muslim at a Donald Trump rally. Stop sweating like a horse watching a baby eat glue. Stop sweating like Bruce Willis in all his movies. Make some friends.
Kiss Your Orientation Leader On the Lips
This is MANDATORY.
Beat the Pride Out of Willy the Lion
When people are new to jail what’s the best way to show that they are not to be messed with? They beat up the resident tough inmate man. The same goes for Hofstra. Willy has established his dominance on campus and someone has to knock him down a few levels. Like that Brazilian Jujitsu woman did at the Olympics, I need you to toss his shit. Then, like all that porn you watch, I need you to make him a cuckold. I am talking elbows deep into Kate the Lioness.
Get Your Blue Bin
The Hofstra Blue Bins are a quintessential part of being part of the Pride. Your Blue Bins will be full of your “special stuff” and right when you are about to blow your load all over your dorm room your mom will burst in the room and tell you to go help your dad get the fridge up the stairs.
Hide Your Cabbage!
Keep it hidden from those jealous dorks who want it all to themselves!
Repaint Your Dorm Room
Hofstra once tweeted, “Our students are so creative,” and in that spirit of creativity, they decided to leave your walls white as a blank canvas for your creativity. Go crazy! Be original and paint the Hofstra logo on the wall. Maybe paint a cute little rabbit or splatter the walls with the blood of your innocent RA! Try to write me up in hell!
Assemble Your Shrine to Lord President “Kristen” Stuart Rabinowitz
As stated in the contract you just signed for your RA, you must build a shrine and worship your leader, Stewie “Big Hands” Rabinowitz, now and until your death. Hopefully you brought the boiled potato, 3 ostrich eggs, a candle from your local Catholic youth center, and the Bill Murray needed to make a proper shrine. If not you have three days to do so.
Kiss Your Dad Goodbye
He loves you man/woman/whatever your dad calls Caitlyn Jenner, and this might be the last time you can give him a big smooch on the lips. So pucker up and kiss him like you are a 5 year old girl/boy again. Neither of you want this, and other families might stare, but it’s all part of the Hofstra way. Then give a gentle wave to your mom and sock your little bro in the stomach.
Put Your Lanyard to Good Use
Hofstra does a great job of giving you exactly what you need at the right time. Remember that lanyard you got on the intramural fields this morning? Use it to strangle your roommate. Trust me, this will make your year go much smoother.
Enjoy The Year!
This goes without saying, but just enjoy your time here at Hofstra University. There is no leaving this school. Do not go off campus. There is no outside world. Your family is gone. Hofstra is family. Pride and Purpose. I hope you love Freshens. Go Sports! Diversity is key. Gay? Fine by Hofstra. Stuart Rabinowitz is so handsome. Give us some of your cabbage. Our unispans are so safe! An idyllic place to study, live and work. This is practically Manhattan!