Tag Archives: America

The Best Electronic Store In Your State To Hit Up This Summer!

By Davy Socket

Is your summer not as chill and ass-in-the-sand-cold-beer-in-hand as you think it ought to be? Are you only matching with uggos on Tinder? Or maybe you just lost your job and your house and need something to keep the blackness of reality from creeping in. Whatever your situation, here’s a look at the top electronic stores in each of our blessed 50 states:

Alabama

Jesus Christ & Sons:

If you’re having trouble bringing the Holy Spirit into your life then this store is for you. Located in a cloud above Birmingham, they carry all the electronics you need to live your life as close to Christ’s as possible. You can pick up an iPod chock full ‘o Christian Rock, a timer that goes off every time you should pray, or sleep in heavenly piece with a light-up dildo to keep your gay urges at bay.

 

Alaska

That Indie Movie Juno Inside an Igloo:

This VHS of the acclaimed Juno sits on a small island off the coast of Anchorage inside an igloo. It’s been frozen in the snow for years. Like, it’s really lodged in there. If you can get it out it’s yours!

 

Arizona

You Stole Our Land Now Buy Our Electronics:

Located in Klagetoh, Arizona, this Navajo run electronic store carries everything you feel the need to buy as reparations for all we’ve done to the native people. Sure you don’t need a Blu Ray player, but that house made of plywood that you passed on the way here is a great selling point.

 

Arkansas

Walmart:

This mom and pop retail megastore contains all your electronic needs! Want a cell phone for $2? They got it! Looking for your mom? She’s waiting for you at register 12!

California

Uncle Dan’s Secondhand Electronics:

Need a new CD burner or DVD player for your copy of Pineapple Express? Dan’s got all the wee… uhh I mean Wii you need. This is a front for selling weed.

 

Colorado

Uncle Reggie’s Secondhand Electronics:

Another front for weed.

 

Connecticut

LaRue Dairy & Radio:

Need a new radio? Of course you don’t! Just buy some ice cream.

 

Delaware

Dover Delaware Discount Disco Balls:

This eclectic little disco ball boutique has everything you need to get the party started this summer. For the 40-something who wants to relive the glory days of high school prom. 

 

Florida

Everglade Electronics:

Run by a very hungry alligator, this redneck electronic shop will cost you an arm and a leg. Literally! Please, if you find any remnant of my son, send it to me. My wife needs closure.

 

Georgia

🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑

🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑

 

Hawaii:

Lakahaiwaklaunamikimauikawaii Beach:

Located at the foot of Mt. Haleakala, this electronics store is the perfect place to pick up some headphones before a day at Malikaekimakelaii beach. Toss a virgin (or your most chaste child) off of the Moutain to appease the dark Island god Krakakimotalittleluluaeiou and get the second pair free! Please, there isn’t long!

 

Idaho:

Potato Power:

Owned and operated by a rotting human head placed on a robot body powered purely by potatoes this electronic store has nothing you really want. Plenty of potato powered clocks though, if you’re into that or if you’re hungry.

 

Illinois

Bugsy’s Back Alley Pub:

Located in an old Speakeasy, this is just a bar. It’s 3:22pm, life is fleeting, your wife doesn’t really need a new phone charger. She’s fucking your neighbor Phil. Time to drink until you cry again.

 

Indiana

Indy 500:

If you’ve chosen to live in Indiana I assume you are a race car driver. You probably already have every electronic on the market. Just win this race so you feel like you’re finally a man in your dad’s eyes.

 

Iowa

Des Moines:

iowa-parade-hillary-jail

 

Kansas

A Tornado Full of TVs:

If you can safely reach in there and grab one, I’m sure no one will mind if you keep it! The family probably died in the storm anyway.

 

Kentucky

The Derby:

Your wife has moved in with Phil. Time to bet the retirement fund on Snowball and drink more.

 

Louisiana

Popeye’s:

No not the fast food joint. Popeye’s specializes in professional sound equipment. Any microphones, plug-ins, drum pads, or cables you need, they have guaranteed.

 

Maine

Larry the Lobster’s Laptops:

That’s right. That Larry the lobster. From Bikini Bottom. He’s really made a name for himself in the laptop business after he was fired from his lifeguarding job for sexual harassment.

 

Maryland

Mr. Krabs Computers:

Oh yes you guessed it another Spongebob character wash up. I’m not even gonna explain this one. Let’s just say Pearl isn’t really Mr. Krabs daughter.

krabs_rag3do

 

Massachusetts

Patty’s Pub:

You’re now an alcoholic. He was just so young.

 

Michigan

Uncle Flynt’s Discount Superstore:

Specializing in water purifiers, this small business has really taken off in the last year. Is your child slowly dying of lead poisoning? Look no further than Uncle Flynt’s Discount Superstore. Look for the tagline in the window, “Our prices are great! Unlike what the mounting piles of evidence are beginning to suggest about our local government and in turn about our society at large—particularly regarding environmental racism, we wouldn’t lie to you!” It’s a large window.

 

Minnesota

Mall of America:

Someone definitely forgot their phone in one of the bathroom stalls. Grab it before they come back!

 

Mississippi

Father Tom’s Bible Store:

They don’t believe in science in Mississippi. Jesus will let you know when that girl from down the street wants to fuck, not Tinder.

 

Missouri

See Mississippi

 

Montana

Jainy Montana’s GPS store:

You’re bound to get lost in Montana, and your cell phone won’t work out here. Buy a GPS from Jainy, please. His cow needs an operation.

 

Nebraska

Scarecrow Jim’s Joystick:

This store run by a possessed scarecrow specializes in vintage game systems. Get your kids exactly what they wanted for Christmas in 1997!

 

Nevada

Stanley’s Electronics:

This is a front for a brothel. You and your wife haven’t had sex in 10 years and no one cares about your iPhone SE. Live a little.

 

New Hampshire

Anywhere on the White Mountains:

Literally everyone from the Northeast has to take an Instagram here before they turn 30. Just steal one of their backpacks. They’re rich and white and already lost, so there are no consequences.

 

New Jersey

The Situation’s Situation:

So here’s the situatuion, the Situation has some great deals on tanning beds, head phones, and vibrators molded from his own penis. Don’t be concerned, but everything is covered in grease.

 

New Mexico

A Crashed UFO:

This UFO is chock full of nifty electronics. You have no idea what the electronics do, but, hey, they’re free and they’re one of a kind. Snatch ‘em up before the US government snatches you, and buries you with all of those E.T. cartridges for the Atari 2600 the UFO should probably also be selling.

 

New York

That Guy Trying to Sell You Loose Cigarettes In Washington Square Park:

Yeah you know exactly who I’m talking about. He’s got a great phone and watch collection too. Be sure to check it out! If you look like you have an ounce of angst in your body, he’ll find you.

 

North Carolina

Kyler’s Kool Collectables:

Love guys in pastel shorts and blue oxfords? Look no further because this store has only that. Owned by Kyler (whose dad bought him this business) this shop is your go to stop for collectable electronics. You’ll find rare items like an iPhone 5, an Xbox 360, Kyler’s dad’s pacemaker, and an Easy Bake Over.

 

North Dakota

Radio Shack:

Just like the state, it doesn’t really exist or have relevance anymore.

 

Ohio

Columbus:

Your wife is gone. Time to finally fuck the shit out of John Kasich.

 

Oklahoma

Stew’s Science Store:

Run by a cow turned super genius from so many antibiotics, this store has everything you didn’t know you needed. Time machine? Check. Synthetic human with real emotion? Check. Sex robot? Of course. I’ll take 10.

 

Oregon

Danika’s Organic Electronics:

Specializing in environmentally friendly electronics, this store has everything to make your grandpappy lose his erection for good. Try the scooter powered by used fry oil. It’ll make it less weird when you ask restaurants for their old fry oil now.

 

Pennsylvania

There Are No Electronics Here:

Run by a prominent Amish family this store has the goal of making people think that all of Pennsylvania is Amish Country. They also sell root beer.

 

Rhode Island

Stacy’s Electric Stirrers:

This store specializes in those funny little electric stirrers used to make chocolate milk, or, the Rhode Island favorite, coffee milk. Exactly what you don’t need!

 

South Carolina

Fuck South Carolina

 

South Dakota

*See North Dakota 

 

Tennessee

Dollywood:

BURN IT DOWN!

 

Texas

The Apple Store in Austin:

This is the only electronics store in all of Texas, so please support it! Austin’s hipsters need their MacBooks and iPhones to stay in touch with the rest of the world that isn’t Texas.

 

Utah

Joseph Smith’s Special Fun Store:

Pick up your new iPhone or a set of headphones here and God just might save your dark dark soul.

 

Vermont

Bernie Sanders’ Hip Hang Store:

Specializing in everything millennials love you’re bound to love this place if you’re between the ages of 18 and 30. You’ll slowly forget about it over time until the store goes out of business.

 

Virginia

Virginia Beach:

No wife and no more Kasich, you decide to just keep drinking until they find your body washed up under a dock.

 

Washington

Karen’s Coffee Pot:

This store carries every coffee maker on the market, but your dull low class taste buds wouldn’t even be able to tell the difference between pour-over and French press!

 

West Virginia

John’s Mine Hats:

If you live here you’re almost definitely a coal miner so might as well buy a hat at this mine hat shop. You can hold off until all the coal is finally dug up, or the world ends due to coal pollution.

 

Wisconsin

Say Cheese!:

This electronics/dairy has a wide array of camera brands and several different house made cheeses.

 

Wyoming

Yellowstone National Park:

Put down your electronic devices. Take a hike through a National Park. Don’t Instagram everything. You’ll make your father proud :,)

If A Town Hall Debate Falls At Hofstra, Does It Make A Sound?

By Heather Levinsky

 

Following presidential hopeful John Kasich’s town hall meeting at Hofstra on Monday morning, many (okay, a couple) people were shocked at the lack of student turnout for the event.

“Yeah, I guess this isn’t really as big a deal as the debate was in 2012” stated former student Annna Davis, referring to the major presidential debate which took place on Hofstra’s campus a month before President Obama’s re-election 4 years ago. “We really expected Hofstra to take it up a notch after that, but they took it down at least several notches.”

Hofstra Debate 2012 was covered by major networks such as CNN, FOX News, Univision, and CBS. Today’s town hall event focused on the major talking points of John Kasich, a candidate who is the human equivalent of a pile of dry mashed potatoes with a strong distaste for women and gays. But thankfully, not many students were there to notice.

“Yeah, we figured it was no big deal” said HU President Stuart Rabinowitz. “Nothing to worry the students about, nothing to skip class over.” Many were surprised that the town hall wasn’t held over common hour on Wednesday, a time when all students have a break from class so they can attend events or meetings.

Exactly one email was sent out to students to notify them of the event, which, to be fair, is about the amount of attention that Kasich deserves at this point in his career. However, many feel that there was not enough publicity surrounding what appeared to be a major political event.

When asked about the low turnout, campaign staffers smiled in relief.

“We were initially worried about the percentage of young, impressionable, liberal voters that we might encounter at a school founded on the principles of the liberal arts” said Blergh Ferghuson, a campaign staffer for Kasich. “But thankfully, the large sum we paid the school to not only quiet down the event, but also to bus in senior citizens by the thousands paid off quite well. John feels really good about how the event went.”

When asked about the management of the event, HU President-in-Chief Stuart Rabinowitz, after a startled jump, resumed walking with his head down, pulling our reporter closer under the wing of his jacket. After dodging the rest of the unispan paparazzi, he responded exclusively to Nonsense.

“Yeah, I knew from the get-go that, with the exception of the 8 members of the Hofstra Republicans, the majority of the student body would either A. Hate Kasich immediately, or B. Have no idea who he is. Understandably, we thought it was for the best if we kept the town hall under wraps.”

Insisting that he meant no offense to his long-time friend John, Rabinowitz continued in a hurried whisper. “Plus, going from immense media events like the 2012 and 2008 debates to something like this is just…embarrassing.”

We caught up with Kasich in a local men’s bathroom and asked him for his thoughts on the town hall.

“I just wish the student body had given me the chance to speak to them and change their minds, you feel me B?” Kasich lamented. With the New York primary election approaching, many candidates are becoming seemingly desperate to reach out to their constituents. 

“Well, I guess I was right about young people; they’re woefully uninformed, unapologetically lazy, and they’re all bleeding heart liberals, for fleek’s sake. But if I could say one thing to the younger side of the Hofstra fam, it’s that they should know that I am the dabbing-est choice for the Republican candidacy, namsayin? I’m old, I’m bold, and I’m running for president. And I’m an honest man, as straight as they come; I would never pander or change my platform to win the youth vote. Deadass.” smalllogo

How To Celebrate the Holidays

By Zach Klebaner

This holiday season Nonsense would like to present its readers with a comprehensive guide on how to celebrate the holiday’s. Here it is.

New Years Day

Ah yes. New Years. The day the world has designated to get lights out drunk and “celebrate” the past year of their existence. Whether you had a great year or a terrible year – you’re likely to be found with a bottle in your hand and a stranger in your bed on this special day.

The Prophet’s Birthday

Who’s birthday?

Epiphany

I had one of those once.

Stephen Foster Memorial Day

“Who’s Stephen Foster?” is a question you might be asking and let me tell you: this is the man that wrote that “Camptown Ladies” song. I personally celebrated this holiday by googling Stephen Foster and getting high as fuck. There were no ladies, Camptown or otherwise.

Orthodox New Year

I recently learned that there is a second New Year. I celebrate this one the same way I celebrate the first one.

Lee-Jackson Day

This holiday celebrates Robert E. Lee and Thomas J. “Stonewall” Jackson on their respective birthdays. It was for a time awkwardly combined with the celebration of Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday because that made sense.

Mississippi State Holiday

Mississippi celebrates its own existence on a yearly basis. I’m. Not. Fucking. Kidding.

National Freedom Day

I celebrate this holiday by killing everyone I don’t like. Because freedom.

Groundhog Day

I always watch one movie on this day. I think you know the one.

 

Pulp Fiction. Great movie. Definitely worth the watch.

Rosa Parks Day

I sit in the front of the bus on this day.

Valentines Day

I watch the movie Valentine’s Day all day long – on repeat – and jerk off…also on repeat. I only stop when I can’t cum anymore or the power company turns off my electricity.

Chinese New Year

I just get really drunk. Again. But this time with access to dangerous explosives. The bottle is a rocket and the stranger in my bed has no arm.

Passover

(For the editor—there should be a space or some other use or space to indicate that this one is passing over to the next one. Erase this after reading it. Or don’t. Maybe it’s funnier if we just leave this shit intact—Matt)

Tax Day

Haha like I pay that shit.

Confederate Memorial Holiday

To celebrate America’s glorious past.

Cinco de Mayo

Celebrated by getting drunk. Often celebrated by people who don’t understand the context and significance of the holiday and whose closest association with Mexican culture is eating Chipotle and drinking a Corona.

Mother’s Day

Suddenly realizing how much you owe your mom followed by going back to your usual lack of appreciation like the selfish brat that you are.

D-Day

Not to be confused with Doughnut Day. Which, surprisingly, has actual significance also related to wartime events but your fat, dumb ass probably wouldn’t know that.

Father’s Day

On this day many reflect on the father figure that is absent in their life. Many also consider the reasons for their absence.

The Fourth of July

Something happened on this day a while back so let’s fire off some Goddam fireworks and get drunk as shit. ‘Murica.

Eid al-Fitr

Fuck ISIS. ‘Murica.

National Grandparents Day

A terribly glazed over holiday. Many forget to call their grandparents on this day not unlike every other day of the year…’Murica.

Jewish New Year

Get drunk and awkwardly murmur prayers.

Columbus Day

On this day we celebrate Christopher Columbus and his ability to find Asia. I personally celebrate by discovering my neighbors toilet paper and non-perishable goods and bringing them back to my apartment.

Boss’s Day

Nobody celebrates this holiday…unless they’re a boss. And even then…probably not.

The Nonsense Scavenger Hunt

“If you can remember it then you didn’t do the scavenger hunt right” – Ancient Nonsense Proverb

Halloween

Eat lots of candy. Cause, why not?

Thanksgiving Day

On this joyous day people gather round with family and friends and celebrate the conquering of an indigenous population.

Black Friday

An extravagant celebration of American commercialism. Common celebratory practices include going out at ridiculous hours to purchase the-generally-expensive-but-cheap-for-the occasion-because-the-company-didn’t-sell-quite-enough-this-year items, fighting over parking spaces, fighting over the last television set you just need to get, and trampling over people in the craze over cheaply priced items. Bring a Taser!

Cyber Monday

Lacks the fun of large crowds and fights over trivial matters associated with Black Friday. Definitely a less extravagant way to celebrate American commercialism. Still complain over social media, though.

Chanukah

Yes, the “c” is fucking silent. This holiday lasts 8 days. I celebrate by lighting up the rest of my weed and hoping it lasts the 8 more days I have left till my next paycheck in an attempt to recreate the miracle of Judah M’Applepipe. You get it? I smoke weed.

New Years Eve

Let the drinking commence.

All Other Holidays

Let the drinking commence.

This concludes Nonsense’s list on how to celebrate the holiday’s. I hope you enjoyed and will reference this guide in the future whenever the holiday’s come round and you’re lost on how to celebrate. Thanks for reading and enjoy the holidays. Be safe!

The 12 Days of the 4th of July

By Matthew Tanzosh

The year is 2018. Amid accusations of impropriety and a lack of respect for his adopted country following the release of poorly lit photographs of his misshapen, Canadian-born cock—President Cruz has declared one day of The 4th of July insufficient. Calling a Joint Session of the United States congress, former Junior Senator and current Chief Executive of the Federal Government and commander in chief of the Army and Navy of the United States, and of the militia of the several states Theodore Cruz declared that the 4th of July being “only one day” was “preposterous” and added, with a wince (although it was difficult to tell, his facial expression always resembling that of a man consensually watching another man pleasure his wife with a stale piece of gorgonzola cheese) that it was “unbefitting of this great nation—this nation, renowned for its conspicuous consumption—to have but one day set aside” for getting drunk and blowing shit up, scaring pets and veterans etc…

It was on that fateful day, 06/22/18, that President Ted Cruz presented the nation with an executive order to “keep Christ in Independence Day”. I won’t force you to parse through the one-thousand seven hundred and seventy six pages of mostly padding—138 drawings of Ted Cruz holding various firearms, 3 recipes pursuant a “bitchin’ bar-b-que”—but chiefly, the order extends the 4th of July to twelve calendar days beginning at 12:00 AM on July 4th, and ending 12 days later at 12:00 AM on July 4th.

calendar

It went universally without contest. No one wanted to be the pussy calling for LESS explosions. Who the fuck wants LESS explosions? Local communities leaders are mandated to inform their public of the change, to the relief of local veteran’s associations. Col. Armie Hammer* had this to comment, “As long as we’re given time to mentally prepare ourselves, we’re fine. We won’t mind 12 days of pants-shitting terror at all, as long as we are given fair notice. Let’s just hope that no one gets too excited and fires anything off outside that 12 day hellscape of post traumatic stress. That would be inconsiderate to our boys.”

In the interest of preserving this landmark moment in American history, I will be recording my personal feelings, each of the 12 days of The 4th of July. Because that’s what Journalism is now. Right VICE? RIGHT BUZZFEED? IT’S ALL ABOUT OUR FEELIE WEELIES RIGHT MOTHERFU—

1

7/4/18—As I gaze off into the middle distance, I see my dog Scruppy enthusiastically investigating the well-manicured anal glands of a stray waaay out of his league. This could mean pups that I can’t afford on my clickbait journalism salary, but I let him go to it. He deserves it. He has no idea of the 12 days of abject terror that await him, the sky falling all around him while my neighbors get drunk and yell encouragement. He hits it raw, dog—and I watch, musing on how fleeting pleasure really is. I’m not much of a patriot, in all honesty, but I’m going to try to go into this whole thing with an open mind and enjoy it.

2

7/4/18—Last night’s show was pretty good. The local fire department put on quite a show. They did the sizzle-y one, the one that looks like the palm tree and a bunch that looked like smiling faces. I saw a lot of smiling proud faces at the peer they were shooting them off of, it was nice. Even Kenny, from the convenience store showed up—he wore his Purple Heart! The canned music was kind of a disappointment. They ran out of Souza pretty quick and switched to midi-files of Liberty Bell (best known as the Monty Python theme song) and proud to be an American. No country yet though. When they said twelve days of non-stop fireworks, I really thought they meant each night—true to their word however, they have not stopped. Yep. Still going. While I write this. Stiiiiill going.

3

7/4/18—I spoke to soon. They have now graduated to Toby Keith. The smell of brisket is heavy in the air. My neighbors have taken to watching from their front yard, bathing themselves in a kiddie pool full of Crisco. They call me homophobic slurs for filling my pool with water and not “at least rootbeer”.

4

7/4/18—So what’s the deal? Is there just an unlimited supply of firemen and beer? And drinking all that beer, do none of them ever have to use the restroom. My dog no longer has any hair, and I can no longer tell the difference between the fireworks and the frequent gunshots. I always liked Kenny, he was a good man, though a little twitchy.

5

7/4/18—Fuck. Has anyone seen my dog? I had him chained outside, but the chain is broken and I can’t find my antique masonry hammer anywhere. I would have watched him, but my attention has really been all over the place. I didn’t really get to sleep the past couple of nights and I really needed that cigarette. I told Maureen that I quit, but she’s gone anyway. I don’t like when my dog watches me smoke so I went out back and oh god he’s gone just like her.

6

7/4/18—You ever wonder why you can only hear sounds? Why can’t you smell them? I can now. I can smell sounds and taste lights. They burn. But I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free and I won’t forget the men who died, who gave that right to me. Like Kenny, and Scruppy. Oh god I’m so alone. But at least I can’t hear my own terrible thoughts. I can taste them though.

7

7/4/18—Did you know that Toby Keith’s father served in the army? I do. Do to a glitch in the system (4 dollar Budweiser tallboys) the playlist is stuck. I have heard about how he continued to fly the American flag in his yard—even though he can only see half of it—roughly 700 times. In his hit song, The Angry American he yodels quoth, “Hey Uncle Sam Put your name at the top of his list/And the Statue of Liberty/Started shakin’ her fist/And the eagle will fly/Man, it’s gonna be hell/When you hear Mother Freedom/Start ringin’ her bell/And it feels like the whole wide world is raining down on you” I didn’t have to look those lyrics up, they now surmise my life. The French statue of liberty hates me, and freedom is ringing it’s multicolored bell. Truly the whole world is raining down on me. My house caught fire last night. All of the firemen are too drunk to do anything but launch more flaming freedom missiles. When Mr. Keith said, “Man, we lit up your world like the 4th of July” he was referring to the bombing of innocents—and I now completely understand this metaphor. It may not have been a metaphor at all. I’m not sure if he is capable. Drones strikes on American soil.

8

7/4/18—Road kill is missing from my neighbors garbage can, and something has brutally murdered all of the neighborhood cats.

9

7/4/18—There is no more barbeque and they are now eating each other. Why must we fight. Is it because “we’ll put a boot in your ass?” because “it’s the American way?”. My neighbors have filled my pool with Crisco. They etch offensive slogans into my pool liner with time worn bowie knives. I hear a howling at night.

10

7/4/18—Scruppy is back, but he is not the same. He still recognizes me as his master, and as a result my neighbors are now dead. Good boy. Good good boy. Good hungry boy.

11

7/4/18—My eardrums are ruptured and I have purchased a gun. Me and my dog shall know peace. Justice will serve, and the battle will rage. This big dog will fight when you rattle his cage. Thank you Toby. I finally understand. I am the fireworks now. I am America, and it is me. And America is exploding. Get off my property or I will shoot. I gaze up at President Cruz’s enormous face, made large on the television screen. Forty years it had taken me to learn what kind of smile was hidden beneath the dark wince. O cruel, needless misunderstanding! O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving breast! Two crisco tears trickled down the sides of my nose. But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. I had won the victory over myself. I love Ted Cruz.

12

7/4/18—*Ed note—Our correspondant stopped writing on his computer, but continued to write illegibly on the wall of his home with barbecue sauce, any attempts to gain entry to his house were met with buckshot. Our hearts go out to the familes of Lane and Michael, two interns who have lost their lives attempting to acquire Mr. Tanzosh’s condiment work*

?

7/4/18—AND A PARTRIDGE AND A PEAR TREE