Tag Archives: Games

Am I Really Responsible For Murder If Simon Said So?

By Zachary Johnson


Well, am I??
 I don’t think my question deserves to go unanswered just because you’re an officer of the law. I’m being treated unfairly here! There is no way our founding fathers intended to create a system where people are convicted of murder just because they committed an act of homicide at the behest and instruction of an individual temporarily know as Simon. That is like, the exact kind of shit that made them fight for independence from the British Empire. Didn’t you learn anything about American History?

Well whatever my dude, stay ignorant. I can fucking see the killer standing right over there, twiddling his stupid 10-year-old thumbs. Look at the way he’s fucking bawling, it looks so goddamn staged. If my eyes were all puffy and red, would you be cutting me any slack? That little sonofabitch is guilty of murder. That’s Simon, he’s the one you want!

Alright, well, I think his name is David, but for all of 10 minutes he was Simon and that’s the reason that girl died. Case closed! Have you even questioned him? Are you not concerned at all that a 10-year-old told me to kill one of his friends? Well, I guess Lisa wasn’t really his friend. She’s friends with Damien, and Corey told me they’re kind of a package deal when it came to handing out the invites. Anyways, either way, that kid is fucked up, dude! You’ve gotta send him straight to fucking juvey before he does this shit again!

Yeah, I know that I’ve got literal blood on my hands, but I was just beholden to the rules of his game! Sure, you’re right, sir, nobody else made a move to kill her but that’s just because I’m better at competitive games than they are. I fucking won, ok? I played by the rules, but I hardly think my incredible prowess and super precision knife skills are what we need to be focusing on here.

Though, by the way, if you do want focus on them, would you maybe wanna get drinks later, Officer? I’m a total loose cannon, maybe I could show you a few tricks or two. We’re talking really rough, really jagged, really wild fighting style, but it’s got this precise edge to it, it’s got this crazy edge, and that’s how you get ‘em. Then we could take it back to my place, maybe have some wild crazy sex, but with an edge, you know what I mean? Are you interested in knife play at all, sir?

What’s that? Yeah, that is my knife in her chest. No, I can’t tell you where I got it, but I can tell you it was made special. That’s stainless steel, and it cost me a lot of money so be careful with it buddy. Make sure you get all the blood off of it before I get it back, this shit is my life, man. It’s what I wake up for. All those kids thought that knife was so fucking cool, so fucking great and shiny, until we started playing Simon Says and David, acting under the authorital power that is Simon, forced me stab Lisa with it. Ugh, this is the last time I show up uninvited to a kid’s birthday party, I’ll tell you that much.

Stop that! Stop cuffing me. I’ve got sensitive wrists and I bruise like a peach! Oh man, you’ve got nice hands. Hey quick question if I say your name does that mean your body can and will be held against me in a court of law?

What’s that? Officer Simon? Well this is a fucking coincidence. Oh, you bet I’ll do whatever you want me to do, Officer. 😉

Yeah? Alright, I’ll get into the vehicle sir.

Hofstra Adds “Cards Against Long Island” Jokes To List of Achievements

By Zachary Johnson

Started in 2015, a Kickstarter campaign by Michael Sarrantonio funds a Long Island themed expansion pack to the wildly popular “Cards Against Humanity” card game. The unofficial, unaffiliated game expansion features jokes poking fun at Long Island, some of which include Hofstra University.

“I have to say when we found out about the campaign we were absolutely thrilled,” A spokesperson for Hofstra University, who may or may not be the President of this University—whose name we have published so many times in our last issue that we really can’t continue to make jokes about him—is quoted as saying. “We were looking for another way to desperately pander to a young audience after we tried sending a postcard to every single high school student in the world. To be quite honest we were looking for anything that we could just throw money at.”

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Hofstra University’s donation chalks up to a very generous $5,000,000. “Great Job! We Support You And Hope You Succeed In All Of Your Goals!” the donation message reads. “We Hope You Got That #Hofstra #Pride!”

“The project really looked like it was going to fail before Hofstra donated. I mean do people really still play this game? We couldn’t have done it without them,” Michael Sarrantonio, the creator of the unofficial expansion, is quoted as saying. “All they requested was we feature them on a specified amount of cards, with the logo, and then they made us sign a contract with a small-text addendum requiring us to pay them a copyright fee for each logo we print. I’m not sure how all the money adds up in the end, but I think we broke even?”

Upon the game’s official launch, Vice President for University Relations, whose name I guess we’ll omit because, I mean, idk fuck, I don’t know who this person is, I’ve never met them. I mean I met the President of the University once (and he told me he doesn’t read Nonsense because it makes him feel uncomfortable, but he also said he doesn’t read the Chronicle either, which I think is ridiculous, but what would I know, some sports journalist told us not to use the Chronicle’s name) but I guess at this point I should really just omit the President’s name for really various reasons. Anyway so, this other person, whoever the fuck they are, gave a press release in the University Club. “It is with great honor,” They said softly, avoiding the eyes of any student journalists in the crowd, “that I commend Michael Sarrantonio for his generous joke mentions, on nearly half of the cards in the whole deck. Jokes like ‘I woke up at Hofstra with _______ in my ass’, ‘I got mentioned in Hofstra’s Public Safety Briefs for ____’, or ‘Getting accepted into Hofstra is so easy, even a _______ could do it!’ only serve to strengthen the dignity of such a fine community, where all of our students are just so creative.”

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At press time, Hofstra University President—whose name we really should just honestly not even utter aloud after we literally beat that dead horse joke over and over and over again—was further quoted as saying, “Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret here ladies and gents. Money is tight around here. We can’t even afford to buy more million dollar trees from Europe, let alone actually renovate and refurbish student dorms that are literally falling apart. I wanted to pick a smart, costly way to appeal to the youth, but I didn’t want to do it cheaply, so I just cut the salary of each cafeteria and grounds employee by 15%. I think we could say that it’s their way of giving back.”

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The Hofstra themed cards have been wildly popular among prospective high school students. Jake Palm from Allentown, Pennsylvania is quoted as saying “I go to school with people who fuck their cousins, so my high school is already a joke. I feel like I could find a really comfortable home at Hofstra, now more than ever.”

“Does anybody even play this fucking game anymore?” Asks Teresa Schafer, from New Jersey. “Also what publication is this for? The school newspaper?”

Yeah. Something like that.

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After a rich, delicious luncheon to luxuriously celebrate the occasion of being able to use something, i.e. a press conference, to eat like rich people in the University Club, the University President and staff opened up for questions. Patting this reporter on the back, the President of Hofstra’s University, whose name I think I just don’t even know at this point because I have literally worn it out, said, “You know kid, it’s become harder and harder to reach your generation, but I think we’ve finally found a solid and costly approach. The more joy we induce, the better our profit. Oh, uh? Did I say profit? I meant to say ‘community.’ Hofstra is a non-profit.”

At press time OSLE reported that the shipping of the cards would actually be delayed, as they had some questions and concerns about the content on the cards, and they wanted to clear some things up before the cards went to the printers. The release date has been officially postponed.

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