Tag Archives: Hofstra

Underpaid Student Employee Can’t Wait To Starve Outside $30M Administrative Building

By Zachary Johnson

Adding that it’s great Hofstra has finally got some money to spend, Hofstra University Student and RSR Emily Baum said she very much looks forward to sitting her pallid, shrinking corpse on the benches outside the new Frank G. Zarb School of Business and praying that manna descends from the heavens to nourish her. Or, in a total dream scenario, that her University employer at least starts paying her minimum wage.

“I was flinging my way through the ABP garbage bins and wondering how I’m going to pay my utility bills when I heard the news,” Baum says, with a faint voice. “I almost dropped the cigarette butts I was saving for lunch, I was so thrilled! Finally, a place on this campus where administrators can have nice offices!”

Baum, whose lack of a car prevents her from working somewhere with better pay, thinks the school made a great choice.

“You know, Hofstra takes these decisions very seriously; they’re just so good at providing the right resources to the student body,” Baum says. “We don’t need new dormitories that have working facilities, sturdy walls, and a lack of bug infestations. We don’t need better food, or cheaper food. We need $2 million dollar renovations of Fraternity hangout spaces, we need well-paid college presidents, and, most of all, this brand new building where Hofstra students can make the most of their administrators having really comfortable places to avoid doing paperwork on time. Hofstra just gets it.”

In a report on the new 30 Million Dollar Building by the Hofstra Chronicle, students are encouraged to “make their mark and become a part of the Zarb school forever” by taking the exciting oppourtunity to “sign a steel beam that will be used in the construction of the new building.”

“Wow, really? That’s so nice of them to think of us,” said the current RSR as she compares prices of textbooks for next semester to the total cost of eating three meals every day this week. “It’s inspiring to think that if Hofstra could come up with 30 Million Dollars to spend on a building, maybe I’ll be able to make rent work this month?” smalllogo

 

 

Greek Life At Hofstra: How To Be Doing The Joining

By An Author Who Is The One Authoring This Piece

Hey there cleansteaks! You see? That is my name for you: cleansteaks. Yes, I’ve got just one message for you and it is this: the name that I have given you is cleansteaks.

Now that we have established this, and I have become comfortably seated in a position above you, because you do not wish to challenge me—because secretly cleansteaks is the name you have given yourself too (I know all, do not disparage that)—let us get to the matter at hand: You Are Here Because You Are Wanting To Join Greek Life At Hofstra University

I have been involved with Greek Life forever. Always. Indefinitely. More than you ever have and ever will. Greek Life was the mother and I am the child. I have made her soup. I am the sole giver of the advice, the one whom you trust to give advice to you in a form that is a list. Watch me as I give you advice that is in the form of a list.

The Information That Is Going First

If you are wanting to be doing the joining of Greek Life At Hofstra, the first thing that you must do is read the information that is going first, and this is the information that is going first: Midnight Is The Time At Which I Will Come To Collect Your Gurps. Curious about what gurps are, precious cleansteaks? In Greek Life, gurps are the word that we use to indicate what you may refer to as “cups.” Yes, the cups, the gurps, the cups, the gurps? Get it? Now that we are on the same page, leave those gurps. Leave them out on a table, on the counter. As long as it is on a flat surface I will be able to find them. Do not worry about notifying me where you have placed your gurps, I have been doing this for long enough that I know when and where gurps have been placed. Make sure that the gurps are facing rim down, my holy crimson matchbox.

Here is an image for the purposes of demonstration, just in case you were in need of an image that exists to demonstrate something to you.

This is that image:

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Second Piece of Information: Give Me Your Songs, Tender One

Oh you, yes you! It is you who I am referring to as The Tender One, cleansteaks. Please do not be confused by the multiple names. cleansteaks is your true name that I have given to you. In the first section of this article crimson matchbox is a name I offhandedly referred to you as in the first section of this article. The Tender One is the name that I am calling you by now, at this time where I am requesting your songs.

Now sing to me, for you are The Tender One. Lend me your lilting voice as it is held hostage by a beautiful serenade. Place your elegant toes onto the carpet and dance, dance dance, cleansteaks.

Third In The Sequential Order: Wait For The Gurps To Return

Wait for them. They will come.

This Little Collection Of Letters Is The One I have Designated As Fourth Information

YOU MUST BE PATIENT.

The Gurps Will Return, This Is The Thing You Must Remember Fifth

You may not be ready, you may not be prepared, but it shall happen, oh sacred forest of mine. I will move soft, like the toes of a mouse as they scrape across the smooth surface of the sandwich you have left out on the counter because you were distracted by the FACT THAT I RETURNED THE GURPS AND YOU DID NOT NOTICE. This is how it will be when The Gurps return to you.

Six, Ah Yes The Love’d Number, Yes, Sixthly You Must Analyze The Gurps, And I Have For You Instructions On What The Gurps Mean, And How You Must Interpret Them When You Are Analyzing What The Gurps Mean, The Gurps That I Have Given To You With The Intention Of Them Being A Sign Of One Of Two Things

Be analyzing the gurps like this: if there are no gurps, then I have taken them. If there are gurps, I did not want them.

Look at this phagto* (this is the word we—those that are being involved in the Greek Life—use when we wish to be talking about the thing you may also wish to be doing the referring to as “photograph” my sweet nectary swíndlëhåæed, play your sitar correctly and you shall be allowed to join our most secret sub-society of name-making where thine may study upon The Many Words). Think of the phagto as it reminds you of the motion involved in placing the gurps the way that I want them to be before I take them, as this is indeed the same motion I will be using when if the gurps are returned to you.

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*I am being doing the including this asterisk because I mean to be doing the addressing the word “phagto”. Greek Life would like to declare that in every instance of this word we have been doing the using, we have never been meaning to sound like we are using or referencing a word that is being close to a word commonly used to degrade specific types of sexual orientations that one may be doing the having. In fact, Greek Life, as a united front, would like to tell you about how much of the inclusiveness we are doing. Please do the contacting of our resident gay member, Greg, who will talk to you about the things that we are doing the being discussing in the asterisk that we did the including of.

Item Seven: Must Read

Walk up to me, Small Doug. If you have the spit in your hand, and I am walking forward, and you slap your hand to my hand and we both are realizing that there is spit in each other’s hand, then you may continue reading. IF YOU WALK UP TO ME AND SLAP YOUR HAND TO MY HAND AND WE BOTH ARE REALIZING THAT THERE IS NO SPIT IN MY HAND THEN YOU MAY NOT CONTINUE READING. You are not doing the being involved with the Greek Life.

Eight: The Final Ingaydients**

Now it is the time for you to bring me the final ingaydients. I will write them on your wall, but you will see me. Unlike the gurps, I will just walk in in a way that you will see me.

“Hello,” I will say.

“Oh my god! You are beautiful!” you will respond.

I will then say back to you, “Ah yes. Kindness runs in your blood like a speedy baseball game. I have the blush.”

Then you will tenderly brush my cheek with a wet cloth, so as to cool me in case the blush has made me too warm.

This is the kind of kindness that I will love you for kindly affording me.

It will be all smiles. Then I will stand up on your bed, and scrawl the list of ingaydients I need above it. It could be anything from “I Need Mulch” to “I Do Not Need Mulch” to “I Need Five Different Kinds Of Mulch And A Knuckle Sandwich Of The Mulch Variety”. Do not feel disheartened if your list of ingaydients is different than someone you know, it does not mean that I love you any less, little bean.

**yes, as you may have been doing the guessing, “ingaydeients” is the word that we use when we are meaning to talk about ingaydients. Greek Life has a long history of names, as you may have noticed, my suave sausage friend. This is, as I have mentioned previously, all a part of our secret society of name-making where you may study upon The Many Words and potentially be allowed to include your own names or be changing the phrasing of other words. Like this word? You may be doing the having the complaint. Well you should be doing the change that you are wanting to be seeing in the world then, crepe bosom. Let it also be having the known that we have two members on the name-making secret society that identify as “gay.” Yes my precious cleansteaks, you have been doing the having the read that sentence correctly.

Nine: The Soup

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AHA!

Now you see!

Do you remember in the introduction when I declared that I HAVE MADE THE SOUP FOR THE MOTHER THAT GREEK LIFE IS WHILE I AM HER CHILD THAT HAS MADE HER THE SOUP?

Surely you were picking up what I was putting down.

I will now serve you the soup that was promised, cleansteaks. Oh my friend, my dearest little bean, my holy crimson matchbox, The Tender One, oh sacred forest of mine, Small Doug, now together we will eat the soup.

Welcome to Greek Life, my blessed panther. smalllogo

How To Pass Your Finals By Using Your Hands

By Ben Fletcher

 

You have finals coming up. We know because We’ve been watching you. Also We checked your school calendar. This will be an informative and helpful step-by-step guide that will instruct you on how to pass your finals by utilizing your hands. In order to do this, there are a few prerequisites that you will need to check off prior to receiving this information.

 

  • Prerequisite 1: 2 hands
  • Prerequisite 2: 

 

Okay, now that you have checked off the required prerequisites, here is the step-by-step guide that We promised way back when. You have come a long way. Lets begin.

 

Step 1: Pat yourself on the back for coming such a long way 

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You go very well.

 

Step 2: DO NOT USE YOUR HANDS TO OPEN YOUR TEXTBOOK!!! 

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Studying will get you nowhere, and is a waste of those hands that you came such a long way for. You are going to fail if you study. This is science and science is never wrong, like global warming or the consistent output of hits by Jason Derulo.  Trust Us. We made a list.

 

Step 3: Buy 2 gallons of milk

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This is a crucial step. Do not forget this one. You may buy more than 2, but no less, or else you will risk failing your finals. Hands should be used during this step, but if you find a way to get by without them, maybe you should be writing this article instead of Us.

 

Step 4: Stay up all night on a mixture of PCP and Ritalin 

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This is pretty easy. Just go to your local business major or dickbird with an obnoxiously loud automobile and ask for some PCP and/or Ritalin. Most likely he/she/they will have both. Take all of it in one sitting to help you stay up. Lay down on the ice cold floor and wish for the bad cherubs to go away. “PLEASE GO AWAY DEMONS!!!” you must shout at them if you wish for them to stop biting your fragile hands. Protect your hands. The side effects will haunt you for about 4-6 business days, but it is worth it. Trust Us. Again, We made a list. Again.

 

Step 5: Saunter into your final and sit down in the very front row 

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Pretty self-explanatory. Saunter as heavily as possible so that everyone is forced to look at you in horror like the feral Icetroll you have become. Keep those hands where everyone can see them though. You’re a student, not a murderer. But you own this room now big boy.

 

Step 6: Stare your professor down with the inescapable abyss that was once your pupils (hands NOT required here) 

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If you have completed every step in the correct fashion, your professor should notice you immediately as they walk/roll/crawl through the door. They will most likely not react, as they are a college professor and have seen this before. You do not faze them. Yet.

 

Step 7: DO NOT TAKE YOUR FINAL!!!

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Again, another important step. Do not take the final that your professor has laid before you, no matter how much it beckons to you. That is not what your hands are for. You must not give in or you will fail. Continue to stare at your professor like a wax statue of Gary Busey until time is up and everyone has turned in their final and left. Now it’s your move.

 

Step 8: Approach your professor’s desk

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Everyone is gone. It’s just you and your professor. Cha-cha slide out of your desk and slither over to your professor’s. This will not faze them. Again, they have been here before. Remember to maintain eye contact. Show him your hands but DO NOT use them. Now, begin to get on your knees, open your dehydrated, dry as sandpaper mouth, and…

 

Step 9: Beg for a C

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Beg like the middle class mutt that you are. Break down crying. Kiss their hand. Offer to bathe their kids for a month. Do whatever it takes. However, DO NOT OFFER ANY SEXUAL FAVORS!!! That is weird. You are not weird. You are an average college student, just desperate for a C. C’s are not worth sexual favors. If this works, you will not have had to use those delicate, beautiful hands that you acquired, and you will have passed your finals. But in the case that that doesn’t work, pull out those milk jugs that you bought before (hands required) and…

 

Step 10: Challenge your professor to a milk-drinking contest 

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Slam the milk on the table and challenge your professor to a duel: dairy style. They will have been fazed, as they have not seen this before. However, they will take you up on the challenge, because it is written in the professor code of conduct that they must agree to any student challenge in order to get out of a final. Now both of you must take your jug of milk and on the count of 3, begin to chug it. Whoever throws up first loses. The trick to this is that your body is young and exuberant and packing two cocoa butter smooth hands, and your professor’s is dried up and full of prune juice and smells like someone who frequents Hobby Lobby but doesn’t actually buy anything. They should break first, and in turn immediately give you an A. “But what happens if I break first” you may have just asked yourself out loud in the middle of a crowded library. To that we first say “Shut up. You’re being a menace”. But just in case, We have developed a back up plan for you.

Step 11: Gouge their eyes out with well moisturized, child-like hands that you acquired

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Launch your ENTIRE body at your professor full speed and shove those young, 100% vegan hands straight into your professors eye-sockets. They will shriek in fear and agony, but do not let up. This is what you were born to do. Keep your hands in their eyes until they stop moving, either out of shock or because they’re dead. It doesn’t matter. You are now the murderer that you just tried to convince everyone you weren’t. Now, mosey on over to your professors computer and give yourself a well deserved A. You did good, scamp. You are free to go…But are you really free?

 

Step 12: Flee to Estonia

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Now that you’ve murdered someone, you’re going to need to leave the United States of America as soon as possible. You may go anywhere you like, but We suggest buying a one way ticket to Estonia exclusively for the reason that they have universal wifi. Remember, you may now be a criminal who will never get to see their beloved family or friends again, but much like Edward Snowden, you have 2 wonderful hands that helped to change the world.

 

Congratulations. You have just passed Intro to Cinema Studies. We wish you the best.

 

Progress! Hofstra Announces Bathrooms Formerly Open To Anyone Now “Gender Inclusive”

By AJ Leal

An excerpt from “The ‘PC’ Issue”

Hats off to Hofstra University once again for establishing an environment just suitable enough to get those litigious ass pancakes off their case! As I’m sure you all know, diversity is an issue. A serious issue. One that you should change the tone of your voice for. In an effort to become a truly all-inclusive campus, Hofstra has proudly unveiled bathrooms available for any and all genders and sexualities on the fourteenth floors of Estabrook, Constitution, Enterprise, and Vander Poel Halls. Now we all know the real-estate industry here at Hofstra has really been booming ever since the eviction of those job-stealing leeches over in Estabrook. What we can expect from these events is for Hofstra to step it up and create an environment that says, “Gay? Fine by Hofstra!”

“The truth is, you can be as gay as you want in these bathrooms,” says university spokesperson for diversity, Gerald. “You can waltz right in there with two guys; two girls; one guy and one girl; three girls and one guy; two guys and three girls; four girls and one guy; two girls and one guy; an F. Scott Fitzgerald mannequin and three guys; five guys, burgers, and fries, the possibilities are truly endless. I mean hey, it’s legal now! #Lovewins.”

“These bathrooms are clearly marked for use of any and every gender by not being marked at all. This dates back to when the towers were built in 1967—issues of this sort were surely, certainly on the universities mind. Talk about being ahead of the curve! The intentional ambiguity of the bathrooms makes it basically sort of just okay enough that should anyone of any gender use them while at the same time allowing us to just shrug when someone else complains that their religious freedom is being trampled on,” says pesky schemer Ralph Aynolbeid. “Now leave us alone, already.”

However, other buildings such as Bill of Rights and Alliance Halls still remain stubborn and are willing to go to such extremes as purposely eliminating a fourteenth floor altogether so that there is no room for multi-gender bathrooms. It’s a shame that these buildings are still behind in the pursuit of PC but maybe one day those grouchy old concrete beasts will accept the changing of times, as predicted by Bob Dylan in the 2009 hit film, Watchmen. Either way, four entire buildings is plenty enough progress for one billing cycle. Classic, liberal New York can finally stop badgering the good people of Hofstra.

Now, a common question and concern upon reading this article may be, “All genders? I thought there were only two!” Contrary to popular belief, there are actually more than two genders available for human use and everyone with any gender can use the specially designed all-inclusive fourteenth floor bathrooms at Hofstra University. I mean like, no one is going to stop you. Seriously. Male? Yes! Female? Yeah. Gender fluid? Yep. Intersex. Demi-Boy? I don’t see why not! Demi-girl? Are you even listening? Demi-God? I mean, the bathrooms in Valhalla are surely nicer, but what the hell? Poor? No. Try Popeyes.

Still, some people were unsatisfied and unconvinced as they begged the question that sure, all genders are accepted, but what about all sexualities? Were people of the bisexual persuasion allowed to use these so-called all-inclusive bathrooms?

The only answer they received was “Yeah, gay people can use the bathrooms too. We said that already.”

If A Town Hall Debate Falls At Hofstra, Does It Make A Sound?

By Heather Levinsky

 

Following presidential hopeful John Kasich’s town hall meeting at Hofstra on Monday morning, many (okay, a couple) people were shocked at the lack of student turnout for the event.

“Yeah, I guess this isn’t really as big a deal as the debate was in 2012” stated former student Annna Davis, referring to the major presidential debate which took place on Hofstra’s campus a month before President Obama’s re-election 4 years ago. “We really expected Hofstra to take it up a notch after that, but they took it down at least several notches.”

Hofstra Debate 2012 was covered by major networks such as CNN, FOX News, Univision, and CBS. Today’s town hall event focused on the major talking points of John Kasich, a candidate who is the human equivalent of a pile of dry mashed potatoes with a strong distaste for women and gays. But thankfully, not many students were there to notice.

“Yeah, we figured it was no big deal” said HU President Stuart Rabinowitz. “Nothing to worry the students about, nothing to skip class over.” Many were surprised that the town hall wasn’t held over common hour on Wednesday, a time when all students have a break from class so they can attend events or meetings.

Exactly one email was sent out to students to notify them of the event, which, to be fair, is about the amount of attention that Kasich deserves at this point in his career. However, many feel that there was not enough publicity surrounding what appeared to be a major political event.

When asked about the low turnout, campaign staffers smiled in relief.

“We were initially worried about the percentage of young, impressionable, liberal voters that we might encounter at a school founded on the principles of the liberal arts” said Blergh Ferghuson, a campaign staffer for Kasich. “But thankfully, the large sum we paid the school to not only quiet down the event, but also to bus in senior citizens by the thousands paid off quite well. John feels really good about how the event went.”

When asked about the management of the event, HU President-in-Chief Stuart Rabinowitz, after a startled jump, resumed walking with his head down, pulling our reporter closer under the wing of his jacket. After dodging the rest of the unispan paparazzi, he responded exclusively to Nonsense.

“Yeah, I knew from the get-go that, with the exception of the 8 members of the Hofstra Republicans, the majority of the student body would either A. Hate Kasich immediately, or B. Have no idea who he is. Understandably, we thought it was for the best if we kept the town hall under wraps.”

Insisting that he meant no offense to his long-time friend John, Rabinowitz continued in a hurried whisper. “Plus, going from immense media events like the 2012 and 2008 debates to something like this is just…embarrassing.”

We caught up with Kasich in a local men’s bathroom and asked him for his thoughts on the town hall.

“I just wish the student body had given me the chance to speak to them and change their minds, you feel me B?” Kasich lamented. With the New York primary election approaching, many candidates are becoming seemingly desperate to reach out to their constituents. 

“Well, I guess I was right about young people; they’re woefully uninformed, unapologetically lazy, and they’re all bleeding heart liberals, for fleek’s sake. But if I could say one thing to the younger side of the Hofstra fam, it’s that they should know that I am the dabbing-est choice for the Republican candidacy, namsayin? I’m old, I’m bold, and I’m running for president. And I’m an honest man, as straight as they come; I would never pander or change my platform to win the youth vote. Deadass.” smalllogo

Choose Your Own Fucking Adventure: Renonaissance RPG Edition

By Veronica Toone

An excerpt from The Renonaissance!

 

Good evening, and again, my darlings, welcome to another round of CHOOSE YOUR OWN FUCKING ADVENTURE, where, true to its name, every decision is made for you and you realize that we’re all WORM FOOD.

While I’m sure that there are articles contained in this compendium that TICKLE YOUR G-SPOT infinitely more, I must say I’m truly honored that you would take the time to read the introduction. Now, unsheathe your sword from your ZIPPERED DENIM HOLSTER, mount your TRUSTY STEEDS, and adjust your FANNY PACKS, boys and girls, because this week’s adventure is:

ROLEPLAY TIME.

 

START HERE: The year is 1420. You find yourself in the Ye Olde Towne of Hempsteade, and have no idea how you got there. You look around—trees for miles. You get up and rummage through the satchel you brought with you. In it is: a vape pen, a lighter, several Nonsense Humor magazines, a big honking bag of weed, and a crumpled piece of paper.

If you decide to smooth out the paper, go to PARAGRAPH 2.

If you decide to smoke the weed, go to PARAGRAPH 4.

 

PARAGRAPH 2: You put the paper on the ground and smooth it out. Reading it over, you discover it is a MAP (now equipped!). You look up at the late afternoon sky (which doesn’t have any smog or lights in it because this is 1420 and that kind of bullshit isn’t even a concept at this point) and realize it is getting dark. You’re going to need to start a fire to keep yourself warm! Do you combine the LIGHTER and NONSENSE HUMOR MAGAZINES to start a fire?

If you decide that Nonsense Humor magazines are far too funny to be burned, even in a survival situation, go to PARAGRAPH 3.

If you decide to burn the magazines, go to PARAGRAPH 5.

 

PARAGRAPH 3: You don’t burn the magazines, instead using the fading daylight to read them. You laugh haughtily at the rubbish therein and go to sleep in the dark. You’re eaten by hungry bears that see you as the fragile, tasty woodland creature you are.

YOU FUCKING DIED, DUDE. GO BACK TO PARAGRAPH 2.

 

PARAGRAPH 4: You smoke that DANK KUSH and get higher than you’ve ever been in your life. Zoinks, Scoob, you didn’t think a strain of such phenomenal, wondrous weed could find its way to your titillated taste buds. It tastes like the best pottage your mother never made, because she spent most of her time finagling with the turkey foot seller at the market or fucking the local plague doctor, didn’t she, John? You pass out and are eaten by hungry bears that see you as the fragile, tasty woodland creature you are.

YOU FUCKING DIED, DUDE. GO BACK TO START.

 

PARAGRAPH 5: You burn the magazines with unmitigated joy. As they crackle and curl in the fire, you find that the smell of burning self-indulgent jokes is very comforting, and you fall asleep to the sound of Ye Olde police sirens. You wake up the next morning and continue on with your journey. Suddenly, out of the brush, a wild HOFCAT appears. He stands in front of you in a way that vaguely reminds you of a Japanese pocket monster game, but offers no battle cry. Instead—“’Sup, player,” says the cat, “what’s good?”

If you decide to talk to the cat, go to PARAGRAPH 6.

If you decide to kill the cat, go to PARAGRAPH 7.

 

PARAGRAPH 6: “Um, hi,” you reply tentatively. “You must be a hofcat.” The cat approaches you and hops gracefully onto your shoulder. “That I am. Do you know where you are, traveller?” “No,” you confess. The cat smiles, or would if cats could do that, and continues. “Why, you’re at the HOFSTRA CASTLE, home to the fiercest beasts and rarest treasures.” You stare about in wonder before your eyes fall on blue sign directly to your left. Hofstra Castle, home to the fiercest beasts and rarest treasures. You step onto the cobblestone path and, as if on cue, several solidly-built, well-endowed knights cross your path. “Oh!” you exclaim, startled, and take a step backwards. One of the knights notices you. “Why, hello traveller!” He looks you up and down before slapping a gloved hand onto his firm, tasty chest. “I am Sir Brodius of Dudeshire. My compatriots and I are off for an evening of cavorting and gallivanting at the Ye Olde McHebe’s. Care you to join us, fellow countryman?”

If you decide to follow the knight, go to the DOPE ENDING.

If you decide to continue on your path, go to PARAGRAPH 8.

 

PARAGRAPH 7: Whoa, really? Like, that’s a fucking talking cat. You’re just gonna kill it? You sick bastard; your mother didn’t kiss you goodnight, did she?

GO BACK TO PARAGRAPH 5. I HATE YOU.

 

PARAGRAPH 8: You shake your head. “I’m sorry, Mister Brodius, but I’m on a quest,” you reply. The knight nods and adjusts his chain mail. “Ah, I understand, young man slash woman. We will think of you, brave traveler, in the midst of our rollicking. Come, gents,” he says to his fellow knights, “let this night be fucking lit!” The knights cheer and like a flash they’re gone, leaving a cloud of Axe™ Body Spray in their wake. You continue on until you come to a fork in the road. On the LEFT, the path is dirty, littered with empty potion bottles and horse shit. It does not seem to end. On the RIGHT, much of the same: discarded bowls of Freshen’s stew and human shit, yet it appears to end at a derelict building. Which path do you take?

If you decide to take the path on the LEFT, go to PARAGRAPH 9.

If you decide to take the path on the RIGHT, go to PARAGRAPH 10.

 

PARAGRAPH 9: Completely lost, you decide to take the path on the left. The trees look menacing above you, and your little Hofcat looks around cautiously. “Brave knight, I really think you should turn back,” he says, but you are set on going forward for some reason. After a while, crumpled on the sides of the path, are the SKELETONS OF PEASANTS PAST. You think you see one blink its empty eyeholes. Dread bubbles up in your stomach like Mother’s three week-old mashed peas, and you wish the Black Death had just killed you when it had the chance. Suddenly, a skeleton steps in front of you: he is wearing a tattered Attack on Titan cosplay and is clutching a Nerf gun. He aims it at your head and fires.

“Long live Hofstra versus Zombies.”

YOU FUCKING DIED, DUDE. GO BACK TO PARAGRAPH 8.

 

PARAGRAPH 10: You decide to follow the MAP you have in your satchel (remember that shit? You didn’t think I would bring that up again, did you?) and take the path on the right. A chilled wind blows through your hair and shakes you to your core. After walking along the dirty path, you approach the broken-down building. Scanning the façade carefully, you see it is a SBARRO’S PIZZA. The Hofcat on your shoulder hisses. “Brave knight,” he protests, “this does not feel right!” Ignoring your tiny compadre, you continue on. You kick down the splintery door, and at first, nothing seems out of the ordinary: chairs scattered about, with a lonely stand in the centre of the room. The trays are full of Sbarro’s food, still looking edible. Surrounding the stand are skeletons in various pained-looking positions, which are themselves surrounded by human fecal matter. Hofstra shits. Poor bastards. There’s a loud whoosh, and as you turn, the door behind you slams.

YOU ARE TRAPPED. What do you do?

If you decide to look around, go to PARAGRAPH 11.

If you decide to give up and live on Sbarro’s forever, go to the PUSSY ENDING.

 

PARAGRAPH 11: You look around. Carefully avoiding the stinky dead Hofstra shit people (because those jokes never die), you glance around the moldy walls in the hopes of finding a way out. Suddenly, you spot a LEVER on the wall. Deciding that well, nothing matters and Death is coming, you pull it, and a part of the wall slides back to reveal and entrance to a CAVE. Your Hofcat is shaking now. You turn and, fearing what lurks ahead, take a SWORD from a gross poop skeleton (now in Items!). Carefully, you enter the cave, because you didn’t take the pussy ending so that means you’re a tough guy, aren’t you? Descending a set of stone steps, you find yourself surrounded by THE BUBBLING PITS OF HOT SMELLY PIZZA GREASE. Careful! One touch and you’re dead: keep moving! You trek on, past more skeletons, pieces of discarded armor and cigarette butts. You turn a corner, and…

Before you, nestled amongst the pits of grease and leftover pizza crusts, is the dragon. He opens one eye. What do you do?

If you decide to fight the dragon, go to the BATTLE.

If you decide to run away, go to the PUSSY ENDING.

 

BATTLE: The dragon awakens, and boy, is it pissed. You equip your SWORD and hold it out menacingly, before it occurs to you that you have no idea how to use a sword. The dragon rises to its full height and, with a mighty roar, releases a cloud of Froot Loops™ flavored vape smoke, right in your face. You cough: dude, not cool. The dragon is moving slow. You’re certain you could kill it if not for the fucking smoke everywhere. It just keeps…breathing on you. Trying to find a patch of clean air, you spot scales and swing blindly. The dragon lets out a roar of pain, and you think you might have actually damaged that bad boy. The air starts to clear, and you swing again and again. With a final cry, the dragon’s head tumbles to the floor. But your trial is not done, brave homie. Underneath the dragon’s head is none other than RENOWNED CHEF, BOBBY FLAY. You now have to, quite literally, beat Bobby Flay, just like on his new show, Beat Bobby Flay, hosted by chef Bobby Flay, airing only on Food Network Thursdays at 10, after Food: Fact or Fiction with Michael McKean. This is worse than the dragon. You look around in a panic for something to use to defeat him with, but all you find is a PRE-MADE SBARRO PIZZA CRUST and a CHAMBER POT. He laughs in your face. Do you admit defeat?

If you decide that Bobby Flay is a fucking piece of human garbage that deserves to lose in his own dungeon, go to the FINAL BOSS.

If you decide to admit defeat, go to the PUSSY ENDING.

 

FINAL BOSS: By combing the PRE-MADE SBARRO’S PIZZA CRUST and the CHAMBER POT, you are able to create SBARRO’S PIZZA! Bobby Flay, shocked that you were able to so accurately make the best pizza on the island, uses the dragon’s head and creates DRAGON FLAMBÉ! He laughs at you again, the smug bastard, and you stab him in the chest.

Bobby Flay is defeated! You eat the Sbarro’s Pizza and rejoice!

THE END. NICE GOING, MY DUDE.

 

PUSSY ENDING: Really? You’re just gonna give up just like that? What the fuck? Look around! Explore, adventure—fight! That’s what the point of this fucking thing is! Why do you think I spent days writing this? So that you could give up? Fuck no!

What? You still wanna give up? Fine. I hope you’re happy not doing anything fun ever, you piece of shit. Go back to your Tumblr blog.

THE END. FUCK YOU.

 

DOPE ENDING: You nod firmly and follow close behind the knight. He leads you down the street to a dirty building (even though really, in retrospect, all buildings in 1420 were fucking filthy, but that’s putting the cart before the horse). The tacked up wooden sign on the door reads: “Ye Olde McHebe’s. Two shots $38.” You hear the thudding of bass inside, and enter to find swarms of underage peasants, grinding up against each other like they’re trying to fuse together. “Hallowéd be the name of McHebe’s!” one shouts, clearly having imbibed copious amounts of mead. The wasted young sir staggers out of the pub, and you want to get that crunk yourself. You raise a Ye Olde shot glass and scream to the heavens:

“I’m ready to get fucked up! Who wants to blow me?”

THE END, HOMIE.  YOU’RE CLEARLY A LOVER OF ALL THINGS FUN; YOUR MOM WOULD BE PROUD.

“Money Is Tight” Says Administrator With Near Million Dollar Salary

By Zachary Johnson

In an op-ed piece published last year in Hofstra’s student-run newspaper (whose name we are expressly forbidden to mention) University President Stuart Rabinowitz discussed with a Hofstra student the prospect of funding LIRR transportation for internships. Students argue that since Hofstra markets itself on proximity to New York City and potential internship opportunities therein, they should fund transportation as students may end up paying thousands of dollars while commuting.

According to reports, President Rabinowitz considered that kind of structural change impractical. “Money is tight,” said the University President who takes in about a million dollars a year at a school that is technically registered as a non-profit. “It’s not like we’ve got a lot of money we can just give away like that.”

“I’ve crunched all the numbers myself, and there just doesn’t seem to be anywhere that we could be making any cuts,” said Hofstra President and Trustee Mr. Monopoly Man who was paid the EXACT AMOUNT of $981,546 in the year 2012 (you can see a screenshot from that page here) as his total compensation and it’s quite possible that number has gone up in following years while the salaries of private school presidents have continued to rise.

Under the President’s guidance, Hofstra University has announced a new Master Plan™ in order to raise funds, but has been typically quiet about the details. Effectively since most Universities often seem to function as microcosms for the real world that are just as disappointing and terrifying behind the scenes, the President considers Hofstra’s lack of funds akin to a mini-model of the economy.

“We have to face the fact that we’re in a sort of recession ourselves and we’ve got to correct it. We won’t find a solution from cutting obscene salaries, because as the real world has shown us, if those at the top are making an obscene amount of money then the wealth will trickle down to the proletariat and everyone will be totally happy and content with no problems at all.”

The President seeks to redesign the University’s admission process, which currently functions mostly by giving out many scholarships based on academic merit to a fuckton of prospective students who are first harassed with monthly postcards begging them to come to Hofstra.

“We’ve become too caught up on social entitlement programs like this,” President Goldman Sachs says. “If you want to be somewhere like Hofstra you’ve got to work hard by having your parents already make a lot of money. We can’t just keep handing out all these scholarship dollars, or accurately funding the school newspaper or something. We’ve got to continue putting our stock in the hopes that I will single-handedly save this University by aggressively waving our dick until people think we’re associated with Ivy League schools,” said the esteemed Hofstra President, a large cave-dwelling treasure-hoarding dragon,who besides being President and Trustee at Hofstra, serves as the director on two company executive boards, which he probably takes home enough money from that he could live really excessively comfortably if for some reason with unknown probable benefit he were to be making a little less money at Hofstra University.

“For now though, we’ll just have to continue spending our money responsibly” said the President.

At press time Hofstra University announced that they would be importing ten thousand dollar trees from Europe that will be installed over by Hagedorn Hall where no one will ever see them.  smalllogo