Tag Archives: Institutionalized Systems Of Oppression

Progress! Hofstra Announces Bathrooms Formerly Open To Anyone Now “Gender Inclusive”

By AJ Leal

An excerpt from “The ‘PC’ Issue”

Hats off to Hofstra University once again for establishing an environment just suitable enough to get those litigious ass pancakes off their case! As I’m sure you all know, diversity is an issue. A serious issue. One that you should change the tone of your voice for. In an effort to become a truly all-inclusive campus, Hofstra has proudly unveiled bathrooms available for any and all genders and sexualities on the fourteenth floors of Estabrook, Constitution, Enterprise, and Vander Poel Halls. Now we all know the real-estate industry here at Hofstra has really been booming ever since the eviction of those job-stealing leeches over in Estabrook. What we can expect from these events is for Hofstra to step it up and create an environment that says, “Gay? Fine by Hofstra!”

“The truth is, you can be as gay as you want in these bathrooms,” says university spokesperson for diversity, Gerald. “You can waltz right in there with two guys; two girls; one guy and one girl; three girls and one guy; two guys and three girls; four girls and one guy; two girls and one guy; an F. Scott Fitzgerald mannequin and three guys; five guys, burgers, and fries, the possibilities are truly endless. I mean hey, it’s legal now! #Lovewins.”

“These bathrooms are clearly marked for use of any and every gender by not being marked at all. This dates back to when the towers were built in 1967—issues of this sort were surely, certainly on the universities mind. Talk about being ahead of the curve! The intentional ambiguity of the bathrooms makes it basically sort of just okay enough that should anyone of any gender use them while at the same time allowing us to just shrug when someone else complains that their religious freedom is being trampled on,” says pesky schemer Ralph Aynolbeid. “Now leave us alone, already.”

However, other buildings such as Bill of Rights and Alliance Halls still remain stubborn and are willing to go to such extremes as purposely eliminating a fourteenth floor altogether so that there is no room for multi-gender bathrooms. It’s a shame that these buildings are still behind in the pursuit of PC but maybe one day those grouchy old concrete beasts will accept the changing of times, as predicted by Bob Dylan in the 2009 hit film, Watchmen. Either way, four entire buildings is plenty enough progress for one billing cycle. Classic, liberal New York can finally stop badgering the good people of Hofstra.

Now, a common question and concern upon reading this article may be, “All genders? I thought there were only two!” Contrary to popular belief, there are actually more than two genders available for human use and everyone with any gender can use the specially designed all-inclusive fourteenth floor bathrooms at Hofstra University. I mean like, no one is going to stop you. Seriously. Male? Yes! Female? Yeah. Gender fluid? Yep. Intersex. Demi-Boy? I don’t see why not! Demi-girl? Are you even listening? Demi-God? I mean, the bathrooms in Valhalla are surely nicer, but what the hell? Poor? No. Try Popeyes.

Still, some people were unsatisfied and unconvinced as they begged the question that sure, all genders are accepted, but what about all sexualities? Were people of the bisexual persuasion allowed to use these so-called all-inclusive bathrooms?

The only answer they received was “Yeah, gay people can use the bathrooms too. We said that already.”

7 Sexist Things That Need To Stop

By Jesse Saunders

An excerpt from “The ‘PC’ Issue”

I don’t care how hard you work, or how much you have to pee. Sit down right now. Right now. Put down your pasta spoon. I said put it down. It’s time for all the men out there to listen up, because here are seven things that we all agree need to end.

1. Contacting all of my male relatives (dead or alive) to ask them for their blessing for marriage

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The constant séances in my living room are an affront to my personhood. Men need to realize that my great-great-great-great-grand-uncle doesn’t own me, and that contacting him from beyond the grave is only acceptable when searching for his buried treasure.

2. Only allowing boys to eat the grass with their teeth when it is time for it to be cut

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Everyone’s lives would be easier if all the children were allowed to eat the grass when the long grass season begins, but only boys get to join in on the fun. Letting me and my girlfriends join in on the fun is not only efficient, it’s a human right.

3. My neighbor, Todd

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Todd hasn’t done anything sexist yet, but he never buys Girl Scout cookies and doesn’t know my birthday. For the better of everyone, especially me, Todd needs to stop.

4. Being addressed as “little pile” by men who are taller than me

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I am a human, and in no way am a pile of dirt and despair piled into a tiny mass in an attempt to create a human. It is time once and all for us to move on and come up with a name that better represents me… “large pile” perhaps?

5. Needing to rub Ragu on my nose to ward off the evil desires of The Darkest One

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Ragu is significantly more expensive than more generic brands of pasta sauce, and it’s just not in my budget to get a new jar whenever the chosen one warns of The Darkest One’s coming. Women of all shapes and sizes deserve to feel safe from evil’s whims wearing only generic brand pasta sauce.

6. Having to replace the wheels of my bike with large flowers that can only be found in the woods

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The woods are frightening and I don’t like them at all! I want to be able to use a bike with wheels just like all the boys in town. The large flowers are pretty but they don’t come in a color that matches my fire engine red Huffy.

7. Assuming that I have six years of drag racing experience under my belt because I am a girl who has been drag racing for six years

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It is rude to make assumptions, and I am sick and tired of men assuming I am a qualified drag racer just because I list it on my resume, and mention it in every conversation. My gender has nothing to do with my sick fucking drag racing skills.

There it is. The seven ways that our culture needs to totally find its chill. And if you disagree with these ways, I want you to delete your Facebook. I only want to receive birthday messages from strangers who I agree with politically. Your posts will be missed, GramGram.

The Gentrification of Estabrook

Art credit: Austin Van Shaick

By Jesse Saunders

An excerpt from The Hofstra Issue!

This move in day spelled chaos and despair for local residents moving into the up and coming dorm building, Estabrook Hall. What started out fairly normal, became the worst day possible for many upperclassmen, including super-senior David S. Mack IX, “My family’s been with this university for years, half the buildings are named after me.” Stated Mack, primary-bloodline descendant of the guy half the buildings are named after, “But when I walked in this year, ready to move in, I was informed that the single I’d been in for years was now an artisan coffee shop.”

Mack’s room was not the only causality in the push to prettify the once party filled Estabrook. The building admitted 75 freshmen, who stated they just really liked the character of the building, and continued to correct this reporter whenever she referred to it as a dorm.

“It’s a residence hall, we’re trying to build a community here, and it’s much more than a dorm.” He said while adjusting his obviously fake horn rimmed glasses. Wait people still wear those? Wow.

Along with the 75 freshmen, the building is now home to four artisan coffee shops, 1 vegan cupcake place which is actually not that bad, a personalized day planner store, and either a slam poetry club or just a quad of very angsty roommates. The dorm acts as the centerpiece to President Rabinowitz’s new MasterPlan™.

“I don’t understand why these kids hold onto their dorms, like just graduate and let the residence hall be pretty.” Said President Foreman Rabinowitz as he laid out the plans for a Duane Reade to replace the student lounge.

 

7th floor Estabrook
Art by Taylor Thurmond

 

The most tragic story of the day was that of a hard-working family of five living on the seventh floor. The McNotwhite’s have been struggling to keep their single ever since they made the terrible choice to try and live on a college campus instead of in a real town.

“It wasn’t perfect, but it was home. Everyone on the floor ignored each other and that was just fine,” Said Todd McNotwhite, the family’s eldest son. “But now these kids expect us to interact with each other and go to their weird events, no one here wants to attend a Friends trivia night and I’d really like if they stopped asking.” Sounds exactly like something a person who didn’t know the original theme song was by R.E.M would say.  

Beyond the raising price of the dorm itself, the McNotwhite’s have to deal with the loss of the vending machines they once depended on for meals. Replacing the 13th floor vending machines is a cereal bar, which is still a very strange concept, and a “classic country” brunch joint, where everything is served in a mason jar, including the food. The McNotwhite’s tried to adjust to the changes to their home, but don’t see why you would try and put an omelet in a mason jar.

The family has already received several offers on their home, including one from a very persistent messenger bag store. While they don’t want to accept the offer, their choices are limited. With the continuing pressure from both the community and their landlord, the shadowy RSA organization, they’ll be gone before their meal plans run out.

These stories touched the hearts of P-Safe officers across the campus, who have taken it upon themselves to help the residents move out quickly and efficiently. With the help of one of the school’s many fire drills, unwanted students scurried out of Estabrook away from a cloud of unidentifiable dank smoke and into the welcoming hands of P-Safe officers, ready to aid the MasterPlan™ by quickly and quietly moving into a sadder building.

Following the rejuvenation of Vander Poel Hall by honors students less than five years earlier, Estabrook Hall represents a new standard for housing at Hofstra University. Students displaced from Estabrook were originally upset at the change, but they learned to live with it when they realized their new home of C-square, while nowhere near classes, is very close to recreation areas held dear to estabrookians, such as the scenic acid fields.

The day ended with what seemed a great loss for many students at Hofstra, but in the end that cupcake shop is really good, so it’s this reporter’s core belief that we’ll somehow survive.

Hofstra Pride’s First And Final Game

Art Credit: Gillian Pitzer

By Peter Soucy

An excerpt from The Hofstra Issue!


The Hofstra Pride Football team played their first game of the season this past Sunday against the University of Missouri White Police. The game was started with the ceremonial singing of the National Anthem by Robbie Rosen who was a finalist on American Idol. Being a finalist on American Idol means he’s good at singing. It also means Hofstra was mentioned on national television because of American Idol finalist Robbie Rosen. Robbie Rosen was also a finalist on American Idol. ROBBIE ROSEN WILL NEVER NOT SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AT HOFSTRA. After American Idol finalist Robbie Rosen sang the national anthem, the teams huddled up by their coaches. U Missouri was given a thoughtful speech by Coach Officer Darren Wilson, but no player believed a single word of what he said. The Hofstra Pride’s Coach, President Stuart Rabinowitz, opted to show a video tape of himself giving a thoughtful speech instead of giving it in person. As Coach President Rabinowitz watched himself deliver that speech on the screen, he seemed oddly aroused.

With both teams itching to get their hands on each other, the game was started. U Missouri kicked off to the Hofstra Pride, and Junior Greg “Legs” McGreg caught the ball and ran it an estimated twenty yards; there are no more yardage lines on the field since it is used primarily for Hofstra Lacrosse. First down. Senior quarterback Dan “The Man” Danielson threw a beautiful spiral pass to Sophomore “Curious” George Schwartz who ran it all the way to the end zone where his teammates formed a human staircase, and Schwartz dove through the field goal, resulting in no points being scored. Second Down and one micro penis from the end zone. Danielson threw the ball straight up into the air where Sophomore Kyler “As Fuck” Jenkins, floating on a cloud of vape smoke, was able to catch the ball and score that sweet touchdown the team had been craving. As Jenkins walked back to the bench, Coach Lord President Rabinowitz gave him a slap on the ass in such a way that it reminded Jenkins of his Uncle Steve. Jenkins ran off the field in tears. All those years in therapy were gone in a flash. Freshman Bobby “Fresh2Death” Fillet was subbed in for Jenkins in the second half of the game. This is 4 on 4 street football.

Bottom of the last and the score is all tied at 9.2 to 9.2. Coach Chancellor President Rabinowitz was being woken up from recently fainting due to all the young male exertion that had happened. In a freak “I didn’t do it” accident, Coach Officer Darren Wilson had shot the brown football as it traveled past him, so the teams were now using Coach Iron Chef President Rabinowitz’s recently circumcised foreskin blown up to the size of a regulation football as the game ball. Dan “The Man” Danielson huddled up his team, and they all knew the plan. Every member of the team kissed the ball for good luck. Danielson made the call, “Is bearz big dogz, set, HIKE!” The White Policemen instantly tackled Danielson and killed him, but not before he tossed the ball backward to Bobby “Fresh2Death” Fillet who caught it in his Lax stick and catapulted it into the end-zone. In an unprecedented turn of events, Austin “Very White” Black, an eleventh year senior, did a double nollie heelflip into a grind on the goalpost before getting hit in the face with the ball. The ball actually lodged into Black’s head, but the refs counted it as a legitimate catch. Coach Senior Prom Queen President Rabinowitz cried over the thought of, “what if my foreskin had still been attached?” The Hofstra Pride got the W; what a great day to be a Hofstra student. We. Got. That. Hofstra Pride.

That was the last game for the Hofstra Pride football team because SGA decided to cut their budget, and also because two players died tragic brutal deaths.