By Zachary Johnson
In an op-ed piece published last year in Hofstra’s student-run newspaper (whose name we are expressly forbidden to mention) University President Stuart Rabinowitz discussed with a Hofstra student the prospect of funding LIRR transportation for internships. Students argue that since Hofstra markets itself on proximity to New York City and potential internship opportunities therein, they should fund transportation as students may end up paying thousands of dollars while commuting.
According to reports, President Rabinowitz considered that kind of structural change impractical. “Money is tight,” said the University President who takes in about a million dollars a year at a school that is technically registered as a non-profit. “It’s not like we’ve got a lot of money we can just give away like that.”
“I’ve crunched all the numbers myself, and there just doesn’t seem to be anywhere that we could be making any cuts,” said Hofstra President and Trustee Mr. Monopoly Man who was paid the EXACT AMOUNT of $981,546 in the year 2012 (you can see a screenshot from that page here) as his total compensation and it’s quite possible that number has gone up in following years while the salaries of private school presidents have continued to rise.
Under the President’s guidance, Hofstra University has announced a new Master Plan™ in order to raise funds, but has been typically quiet about the details. Effectively since most Universities often seem to function as microcosms for the real world that are just as disappointing and terrifying behind the scenes, the President considers Hofstra’s lack of funds akin to a mini-model of the economy.
“We have to face the fact that we’re in a sort of recession ourselves and we’ve got to correct it. We won’t find a solution from cutting obscene salaries, because as the real world has shown us, if those at the top are making an obscene amount of money then the wealth will trickle down to the proletariat and everyone will be totally happy and content with no problems at all.”
The President seeks to redesign the University’s admission process, which currently functions mostly by giving out many scholarships based on academic merit to a fuckton of prospective students who are first harassed with monthly postcards begging them to come to Hofstra.
“We’ve become too caught up on social entitlement programs like this,” President Goldman Sachs says. “If you want to be somewhere like Hofstra you’ve got to work hard by having your parents already make a lot of money. We can’t just keep handing out all these scholarship dollars, or accurately funding the school newspaper or something. We’ve got to continue putting our stock in the hopes that I will single-handedly save this University by aggressively waving our dick until people think we’re associated with Ivy League schools,” said the esteemed Hofstra President, a large cave-dwelling treasure-hoarding dragon,who besides being President and Trustee at Hofstra, serves as the director on two company executive boards, which he probably takes home enough money from that he could live really excessively comfortably if for some reason with unknown probable benefit he were to be making a little less money at Hofstra University.
“For now though, we’ll just have to continue spending our money responsibly” said the President.
At press time Hofstra University announced that they would be importing ten thousand dollar trees from Europe that will be installed over by Hagedorn Hall where no one will ever see them.