Tag Archives: Music

Ja Rule Excited To Finally Have Captive Audience

By Jordan Hopkins and Matthew Tanzosh

Musical artist and TV Dad, Ja Rule, best known for his lead role in 2013 Christian drama film I’m in Love With a Church Girl and also getting cold-cocked by 50 Cent that one time, is back with a brand new business opportunity.

The Brand Ambassador for Magnises (the totally legitimate and not a pyramid scheme service that allowed users to pay $250 dollars a month to slide their credit card into a larger credit card) once said on Fox Business, “When you marry the affluent with the less fortunate, you get…the birthchild…that is hip-hop”. At Ja Rule’s Fyre festival—where trapped millionaires wearing $2000 Gucci loafers can be seen beating each other over the head with toilet tanks for the grease left on empty pizza boxes—this philosophy appears to have been kept in mind: Fyre Festival is super Hip-Hop. When asked for comment, the rapper who once levied a diss track at Eminem’s infant daughter did his best to ease the minds of the attendees.

“Fyre Festival was an important event to everyone involved,” said Ja Rule from the top of a burning pile of Fyre Festival-branded merch. “We remain committed to providing a positive experience for all of our attendees. Please try to stay calm until rescue arrives. On the bright side, being stuck in your emergency shelter for days without real food or water is a great opportunity to check out my new tracks!” 

Ja Rule then threw several copies of his EP into the crowd like frisbees, striking one attendee in the forehead.

“I really do feel terrible about what has happened,” Ja Rule told us. “We were looking forward to providing a positive experience for all the attendees here, and obviously that didn’t pan out. But you know, I’m excited to show off some of the new stuff I’ve been working on! It’s been a struggle getting back in the game, and it’s great to finally have some people to bounce ideas off of.”

When asked about the specific prospects of his future musical output, Ja Rule could only smile.

“I’m really looking forward to the creative collaboration that will come between me and those imprisoned here by the sea. Hopefully it’ll help mend some of the hurt feelings caused by being forced to sleep in tents and eat nothing but cheese for a few days. As I said in the promotion of Magnises–unlock your city today! Hip Hop is amazing, because it allows us to speak to the disenfranchised, and now I have disenfranchised thousands.”

None of the 7,000 attendees trapped on the island could be reached for comment.

This Year’s Music Watchlist, Unless The Diseases Under Greenland Melt And Kill Us All

By Dr. Souce

An excerpt from our latest issue, The Fake News Issue!

With every year comes new releases from the hottest artists, and perhaps ancient diseases frozen for millions of years under the humongous island of Greenland. Last year, Drake brought us Views, Beyoncé gave us Lemonade, Chance, the Rapper gave us Coloring Book, and Greenland gave us no cataclysmic diseases. Let’s dive right into the hottest albums that will be dropped this year!

1. Lorde – Melodrama – Jun 16, 2017


Since the young New Zealand pop-star’s 2013 debut album, Pure Heroine, people have been blasting her catchy tunes at ironic tea parties and white college clubs. The album even garnered a cover from T-Pain’s hype-man while T-Pain got paid $30,000 to sit and drink bottled water at Hofstra’s very own Music Fest. Lorde has been showing some serious potential for this new album with the release of some new singles, even if they are not as catchy as “Royals.” Global warming is also showing some serious potential in melting Greenland just enough that those world-ending diseases frozen in there may escape. Let’s hope we all die after we jam out to Lorde!

2. Spoon – Hot Thoughts – March 17, 2017

Everyone knows that one Spoon song, “Underdog,” so everyone definitely wants another full album of music from them in 2017! The band may be older, but that does not mean they cannot keep up with the young Alternative bands of today. Also on the older side (by several hundreds of thousands of years) are those diseases under the largely Inuit populated island of Greenland that are definitely going to thaw.

3. Gorillaz – TBD

This cartoon-turned-real person band has been MIA since 2012; nobody thought they were coming back, but here they are! Expect even more Snoop Dogg and more features than ever before. There is sure to be no lack of their wacky music videos either. There is also no doubt in my mind that the frozen diseases under Greenland, once thawed, are capable of wiping out 99% of the population within one year. Being frozen for so long has given them a high resistance to antibiotics and the ability to transform fast. Be sure to groove to some Gorillaz as you slowly watch your family cough blood on each other!

4. Fleet Foxes – Crack Up – June 16, 2017

We just had to include another animal-based band in this list; they just seem so plentiful these days! Fleet Foxes left their fans in the dust after their 2011 album Helplessness Blues. People thought they all died, but here they are again. They’re also gonna bring the original Seattle Folk style that fans have worshipped since their hiatus. After this album, they all will almost definitely die terribly painful deaths from those diseases under the (ironically-named) Greenland. Be sure to listen to Crack Up as you contemplate all those diseases thawing and inevitably killing you.

5. Sky Ferreira – Masochism – TBD

This might be the year of the Indie-Pop Revolution! Sky Ferreira is a fierce and edgy pop musician who always does her own thing. Her album should once again bring her angsty and edgy vibes that her fans just adore. Her porcelain-white skin will make it very difficult for doctors to notice when she has been infected by the diseases that are going to take her life sometime soon. However, it will be easy to tell when she starts coughing up the blood we are all bound to cough up eventually.

6. Trey Songz – Tremaine – TBD

Trey Songz comes out of the blue right when the world needs him. No one’s ever said “I hate Trey Songz” because everyone just sorta likes him. Maybe 2017 will be his comeback year, or maybe it will just be the year he coughs and/or cries tears, killing himself and spreading the frozen (soon to be unfrozen) Greenland diseases to others.

7. Some Country Music – Who Cares

These songs will come out in the summer, and I would not even give us until then to live. The diseases pent up in their frozen prison made-up of the largest non-continent island, Greenland, are itching to get their dirty hands on some animals, then humans. We will die before we hear the hottest country song of the year and there is no way around that.


2017 is sure to be a year full of new music, new experiences, and new diseases! These hot albums are sure to blow up the airways and the charts in the coming months, so be sure to start pre-ordering your copies. Also, be sure to watch out for those diseases! You may not be able to stop the apocalypse caused by them, but maybe you will be one of the 1% who is immune. Happy listening!

Music Review: Future’s New Album

By Ariel Leal

It all started when I saw Anderson Cooper on TV. I could do little more than imagine that sultry, silver-tongued silver fox drag his meaty tongue all over my yearning, naked flesh. My parents realized this after my dad seized my stash of Playboys only to realize that each of the women’s faces were replaced by the face of Mr. Cooper himself. They thought I was gay. I wasn’t gay, though, I just thoroughly enjoyed professional news reporting. I asked Yahoo if I had to be gay now, they said no and posted some, what I can only speculate are called, reaction jiffys of small men rubbing towels in, near, and around their respective perineums. I think it checked out. I asked my gym bros and they told me they don’t remember any time in which our balls audibly smacked together and I made sure to say “No homo” every time I gagged on my toothbrush. My nan told me that it’s a healthy developmental process for young lads such as myself to be strongly drawn towards doctors and white-haired reporting moguls.

Ever since I was knee-high to a grasshopper I would play doctor and my parents would point and laugh until I would persistently try to put the stethoscope in my rectum. It wasn’t gay though, I mean, I didn’t think so. It seems pretty straight to me to want to hear what goes on inside the good ol’ poop shoot. I was never really all that religious either, by the way. The only god I knew was daytime television star, Ryan Seacrest. You know, sometimes I would sit there and laugh to myself repeating the name “Ryan Wannaseemybreasts” but that’s slightly besides the point.

I’m a World War One enthusiast. Anyway, my parents tried praying the gay away but I told them there was no gay to pray away and that my name was Clay and I liked to play on the bay with some hay, okay? But anyway, all that poetry only led to my parents whisking me away to the nearest hospital to be operated on immediately. The objective of the surgery: To remove the part of my brain that made me gay.

As I lay on the operating table, cold and vulnerable, a scrub wearing scrubs told me that I was lucky, that the mysterious and ever-so seductive Doctor RJ Shafty would be operating on me.

“Doctor Shafty? I’ve certainly never heard of him!” I said, feeling even more cold and lifeless for not being in the loop.

At that exact, very, precise moment, the double doors slammed open as Dr. Shafty himself surveyed the room and also my penis.

“Well, you’ve heard of me now,” he said, licking his lips all the while. I’m pretty sure there was some sort of grammatical error in saying that, but I was foolish to question a real, live doctor. Instead, I nervously asked him if he knew about how Harold Gillies birthed the field of plastic surgery during WWI due to the increased demand from soldiers with horribly disfigured faces from shrapnel blasts and gunshot wounds.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid!” I whispered to myself, because I’m a fucking idiot. Of course he knows! He’s a doctor, fuck crying out loud.

“Alright, let’s cut this bitch up,” he said, ignoring every stupid word that came out of my shrimp-like mouth and making sure to make eye contact with every other person in the room, except for me that is, but I’m not really a person.

“Hey are you sure this is safe?” I asked.

“Of course it’s safe, I graduated from Hofstra University!”

Before I knew it, my scalp was being removed. He figured anesthesia was “for pussies” and so each second was a new experience for me. It was agonizing and enlightening. I was euphoric.

“Doctor, are you sure you know what you’re doing?” asked one of the foolish interns.

“Get the fuck out of my operating room,” replied the overwhelmingly masculine doctor.

The intern stripped naked and left the room as less of a person than before.

“Doctor, we’re losing him!” exclaimed one of those other surgery people that weren’t anywhere near as important as Dr. Shafty.

“No we’re not,” insisted the good doctor while turning to one of the female surgery people. “After all, I’m a doctor.”

She swooned and fainted immediately, leaving a butter knife in my kidney.

After a few more minutes of excruciating agony, Dr. RJ Shafty raised a piece of my brain and shouted “Eureka!” as doctors do, “I’ve got it!”

All other doctors removed their hands from my once innocent body and applauded the good doctor, sobbing all the while.

The good doctor removed the part of my brain that made me funny.

I had to admit though, he certainly was a meaty shaft man. He didn’t notice but several hypodermic needles fell out of his pocket when he was performing his ritual post-successful surgery jumping jacks. Of course, he’s never failed a single surgery. It’s hard to fail surgery when each one of those hypodermic needles were filled with shark testosterone. By the looks of it, they could have only been injected into his scrotum. I wouldn’t know though, after all I’m not a doctor.

Hours later, I left the establishment feeling a little pensive and hating myself a little more than I thought possible. I also kind of looked like a bloated Barbara Streisand but it was lit, nonetheless. World War One? Yeah more like World War Won.

I went back home and my parents embraced me. My father shook my hand unbeknownst to the fact that I used that very hand to masturbate to Anderson Cooper’s cute little half smirk half an hour earlier in the hospital bathroom.

I realized that the parts of my brain that Dr. Shafty removed were my humor receptors when I soiled my pants laughing at the fact that my grandpa mistakenly removed his trousers while looking for the 1956 memorabilia section of an Ikea. The story was only partially humorous.

To add insult to injury, every time I tried delivering a knock-knock joke, I instead found myself advocating for GreenPeace; I needed training.

I had no time to worry about such matters, I had a university to go to. Weeks after that, I found the perfect place to sharpen my sense of humor and cry about my small legs.

Nonsense Humor Magazine adopted me. I’ve been here for a decent enough time but no one has taught me how to be funny yet. This article isn’t even that funny. That’s okay, at least I told an upperclassman to “keep the change” in monopoly and that was the closest I’ve ever been to what my therapist calls an ‘anxious externally induced orgasm uh’ or AEIOU for short.

I really miss my grandpa.

All in all, it was a pretty well-balanced album but I would have to give it an 8/10 at most. It was fairly relatable and you can tell Future is attempting to step out of his comfort zone to deliver content that has been sorely lacking in the ska industry.

Ska is nice, I guess.