By I’m a foul mouthed son of a gun, but I’ll be damned if I don’t hit the nail on the head at least a few times here. Check it out let me know what you think.
For Vanessa, on the last good day:
Summer’s come and here it is,
soon to leave so here is this:
A Good List
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Homemade Lemonade Freezie Pops!
We’re kicking things off with a treat that treats heat like it’s a pair of pristine feet. (Mmmm!) Nothing (and we mean nothing) compares to the taste of cooled citrus under the vicious beams of Summer. Of course, you already know this. But did you know that besides being tasty and refreshing, scientists and historians alike have concluded that various citrus fruits have been hailed for their medicinal properties? And none moreso than the one we know today as the lemon. These qualities include: tasting good, making us feel better when we feel bad, making water taste good, adding a little zing to some old classics such as Shrimp Scampi or Glazed Chicken, God qualities, and curing the ailment known as Defunct Palate. While basically everyone on Earth has either bought or sold a glass of lemonade in their lifetime, not too many have tried this fun little trick: freezing the lemon’s juice (lemonade) in a freezer. Sound difficult? No! Simply take the lemonade, pour it into an ice cube tray, and put it in the freezer. Wait some time, and when you come back to it, you should have lemon-flavored ice cubes. But wait, we’re not done! If you have little ones, or are married to a man, then this next part is going to be a treat for everyone: give them the tray of cubed ice-fruit and instruct them to “go to town.” Say those words exactly and soon enough you’ll have smashed up shards of edible dihydrogen monoxide glass. Science FTW!
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Tire Swings By the Lake
Tire swings by the lake. Tire swings by the fuckin’ lake, baby. Oh man. If you’ve ever wanted to feel like a descendant of Swiss Family Robinson, putting this one together is an absolute must. (The Swiss Family Robinson thing aside, club-footed folks are suggested to bring a friend. All folks are, but I’ve learned it’s good to be inclusive). The steps are a little tricky, but we think most of you can handle it: First, locate a lake with many trees (for this activity, one good tree will work just fine), and water deep enough to keep you nice and buoyant. The size of the lake is key, as we can’t take chances with who we bring along: (Now that was no shame meant towards any of our husky readers out there, but the Sea is simply too unforgiving for us to be throwing caution to the wind. Keep in mind, big bones and thin skin never worked well together. God love ya, and let the truth drive you home). You’re ideally looking for a place with a great view, just in case you or any of your friends think you’re good at photography, so we recommend you look around the two states of New Hampshire or Maine. Vermont is also an option, but you should consider that a last-ditch effort of sorts. There’s too much out there for you to see and experience before you settle for even driving through Vermont. Once you’ve picked a good location in the heart of New England, find yourself a big tire and use heavy-duty rope to secure it to a sturdy tree. (I say all this because I understand some of our readers might be a little bit – er, on the thin-wristed side. Humans come in all shapes and sizes, and its a wonderful thing, but the universe owes you absolutely nothing. We swing from tires to both acknowledge this truth and leave it behind for at least a few sweet moments). Okay. Here’s the next one!
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Learning How to Change A Tire
A time comes in every person’s life in which they need to learn how to take a tire off and put a new tire on. That age is about 12-14 in most Midwest states, and with that index in mind I’ll get to what’s really on the noggins of young people around this country today. Okay, so we all saw the NowThis video of that kid in Bangladesh that was making beautiful portraits of US Presidents Robert E. Lee and Hank Williams Sr. And like, sure, he had a little help and inspiration from some West Virginia elementary texts that floated across the Ocean, but it was still pretty impressive. You know, he was like mixing his spit and blood and some grass and like, some other stuff? Like paint or something I think. So anyway, I want to learn how to change a tire into, at the very least, a canvas on which art could occur. If I ever meet somebody real and feel inspired enough to once again create, I think doing it on a tire would be some madman-level bullshit. But yeah, if you guys could respond to this article and maybe point me in the direction of somebody who can turn a tire into a canvas, or just anybody at all, I would love to just get to know somebody. I know I can do right this time.
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Decorating Your Home So That It Really Pops
Okay, okay, enough about me. So, your house looks ugly, eh? (Not assuming anything here, just playing out a little hypothetical!). So, your house totally looks like shit. I mean, your bedroom in particular looks like you rented it out to a ska band whose trumpet player brought along his girlfriend’s mother, a Fort Worth, Texas native, and boy did she take some decorative liberties. Without harping on your hypothetical mess of a life too much, let’s just say you’re essentially living in Bowling For Soup’s tour bus, and that just won’t do.
The first thing to keep in mind when decorating any room of your house is what kind of feeling you want to experience when you come home. Your guests are irrelevant – what, are they gonna say something to your face? Now, starting with bathrooms we always recommend you go with a soft lemon-yellow base with shades of sky and ocean to complement. Taking a long shower at the end of the day has never been as tempting as it is when your bathroom looks like an impressionist painting of the beach, as seen through the eyes of a man with cataracts. That was just the simple stuff, though.
For a bedroom, you always want something that says “Hey come on in! And now that you’re in here, perhaps some sex?” Many folks are tempted to go with a wine red or burgundy as a primary sex color (PSC), but those work significantly better in a complementary role, and unless you have crown molding (I know you don’t, but again, this is a hypothetical), I’d steer clear of anything too adventurous in the realm of dark reds and non-basic sex colors (N-BSC). While crown molding is the Type-O blood of any interior decorating emergency, its installation is, much like Type-O blood, one that runs you a pretty penny; the results of cheap labor are, as some of you may understand already, rather gruesome. If your living situation doesn’t allow you to paint the walls or install big swingin’ cowboy doors, fear not: simply buy many clocks. Leave them lying around. Put one in the fridge. Now you have roommates!
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Swing Dance Lessons! (Not!)
1-2-Cha-Cha-Ching! Hope you like getting robbed! Swing dance lessons? More like swing some cuffs around the slim wrists of these guileless amateur slide-artists. If you spend your hard-earned cash at one of these joints…well, I hope you like whipping a bunch of limonada freezos out of their cubby to ice your sore hips, ankles, and pride. I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life to call myself a student of the human body and the ways in which we puppeteer our loss of self. While I rarely enjoy using my clout and influence online as an outlet for negative press, I just had to warn others about my experience, the details of which are largely unimportant to you and me alike. The point remains: I’m tired of constantly changing who I am, just to be frozen out by every established social group I encounter. (I’m a good person, which just goes to show how serious I am with these malicious gestures aimed towards the fucking crooks who’ve wronged me. From all of Nonsense Humor, we encourage you to boycott these fucking crooks and extinguish them).
Let’s swing on over to number five! *laughing tears emoji*
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How It’s Made: Lemonheads Candies
Okay so here’s another way you awesome readers can get involved to help Us, The Magazine! We need to see an episode of How It’s Made on the delicious product Lemonheads Candies and I don’t think my Facebook posts are getting the point across clearly enough. We as a magazine can’t stress enough how important it is that a camera crew get inside the factory or factories in which these candies are produced, so we need you readers to voice your support all over the How It’s Made Facebook feed! (Listen to what we’re telling you, okay? OK!) Whether they’re hiding something or not – I’m not saying they necessarily are – I’m thinking I have the right to see what’s going on in there. Remember, the quest for truth is only as noble as the first of the slaughtered enemy, so when all hope seems lost we must keep in mind that even at our worst we are neither the slaughter nor the slaughtered, but rather the people who stood by and watched and cheered and dreamed of being seen.
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Lending Your Old Man A Little Money
Obviously there’s plenty of stuff you should be doing: staying in school, respecting your mother, and taking care of your little brother as he needs you now more than ever. But life kicks us around sometimes, and it’s not always forgiving of mistakes we made a long time ago. Your old man knows you’ve been going around doing extra work for Jerry, driving around all night with Donna Harris’s boys and that Karsten kid with the upsetting face, doing God-knows-what. He knows you’ve been taking more than a little money from Jerry under the table, but he’s not upset. He doesn’t want to know all the details of what you’re doing out there, and you know he could never stay mad at you anyway. He loves you. And really, he just wants you to be safe, alright? Your dad knows you’re using the extra cash to help your mother with rent, but with the holidays coming up he also knows you’ve got a small fortune saved. So what say you throw the old dog a bone, just this once? He really only needs a few bucks here and there, just to ease up the pressure from all that day-to-day bullshit. You know how it is; you get a certain reputation around town and suddenly the only thing the government isn’t stealing from you is your curse of a name. That wily bastard would kill me if he knew I came to you like this, but all that pride of his has gotten him nowhere fast. You may not understand yet, but I do. I’ve seen what it’s like out there, what it’s like to live with a list of mistakes nailed to your back for all the world to see. Your old man’s hurting, he really is. At the end of the day, no matter who you are, no matter what ya done, a guy’s still gotta eat. You know what I’m saying? A fella’s still gotta have his fun, ya know? You know what they say about old dogs, don’t ya? “Old dogs, my man. They need a little help sometimes. They need to get high.”
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Check The Old Steel Mill For Clues
A lot of people don’t realize this, but Summer really is the only good time for finding Pajamas Julie’s hidden corpse. I know what you’re thinking: “Whoa, no way! Famed, leisurely gangster Pajamas Julie left behind a vast treasure after all?” Well think again, because that’s not what I said. The tales of Pajamas Julie’s treasure are completely unsubstantiated; nobody knows for sure if he left behind anything besides his signature solid-gold watch and the bones on which he draped his pajamz. But while flesh rots away, and jammies erode, the one thing left over holds secrets untold: a map, perhaps. I’m not saying it’s much, but it’s something, and it all begins at PJ’s old stomping grounds: the Old Steel Mill. Of course, it wasn’t a Certified American Steel Mill back in PJ’s day, oh no – it was a place with a much rowdier crowd. Yes, I’m talking about an up-and-coming steel mill. You know how it goes, you’ve seen The Replacements starring Keanu Reeves. You’ve seen Speed starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. There was a feel-good intensity to the place back then, and the sprightly Longjohns Julie took advantage of the situation that he’d long observed as Chief Foreman of Hot Steel. His position in the company was equivalent to a College Professor’s tenure, which meant he could harness continuous leverage over the other workers until they became his drug and alcohol mules. As his operation grew, his position within the now-floundering company curiously furthered its ascent – Look, I’m just gonna cut to the chase here: Go to that fucking mill. You gotta go to that mill. You have to. You have to go to the mill. I’m asking for just a base-level investigation, just so I can personally move on from this. Can you do that for me? Hm? Can you shoot this old dog up with some clues?
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Not Falling Asleep While Swimming
Alright enough goofin’, back to the serious stuff. If you fall asleep while relaxing in the water, I do not blame you. Everybody gets a little bit tired. Baths are certainly très snug, and I will certainly not condemn you for resting your eyes after a long day of swinging on tires. But listen: I will wake you up. I will give you the same admonishment my Mama gave me so long ago, a routine hollering reminiscent of Paula Dean when she got smackt out of her gourd on Facebook Live:
“Sleeping babies go down the drain!” she’d chime sweetly. “Sleeping babies drive me insane!”
If you’re good like me, you’ll do it. You’ll stay awake. You’ll be good. A good baby in the bath. Her perfection. Just do it. No more showers̸̡͢ţ͞e̶̵a̷̕m̢͠ ̷i̛͜n ͢͝͏you҉̵r̛ ̨҉͡l̷u͠ng̢s̴̴͢ ̵m͏y̷ļ͢u̕n̸͢g̨͢ş̀ ̛́́s͏̡͟ ͢my̵͡ ͞ę̸̴ý͡e̵s҉̡͠ ̸̀ ̸̛́ ͏̵ ̛ ͡͝ ́͏̴ ́͡͡ ͢͢ ͢ ̛͘ ̛b ͘ ͟͝e ͝ ͘g0 ̸͡o ̸͜ ̶ ́͝ ҉́ ̢͠od ̴ ̧ ́ ̸͝ ͏ ̶ ̵͜ ̸ ̕ ̧͜͠ ̶҉p ͏̴ ̴l ̢̛͡ ̢͠e ̷a ̨ sn̕e n n o͏̷̶ ͘m̕͠͡ơ͞re̛͡҉ h̵͢o̴t̡̕͝ ͏̡sh͏ǫ̧͘w̛͟è͢͝r̶͘͝r͠r͝ẃ͟s͢ ͟͝j̴u͏̷͢s̕͠t̀ ̡d̷͢ǫ͘͜ ̢į̨̀t̛͞ ͢͠J̶̢͜U̷ś̛t̕͞ ̶̡͘d͝o̧ ̷͟ìt̨ ̸͟ no more hot showers. Just do it. Just do it.
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Popping Your Cherry
Just do it. That’s what they’ll tell you when it comes to getting your cherry puckered for the ol’ 1-2 cunch. (I’m outrageous!).
“It’s like getting your cartilage pierced! Just get it over with and suddenly look cool!” are two statements that a lot of people’s sisters have heard. Sickening? Maybe.
They’ll tell you to just do it, but you don’t have to listen.
“I – I just thought you were cool. Maybe I should just go home; I feel so confused. I thought you liked me. I am more or less a Nike product. Am I making you uncomfortable? Everyone said you were cool. I should have just changed your tire and left.. But you invited me in for a cool refreshing snack that you made yourself with some simple ingredients and a lot of help from your dad, and I couldn’t say no.. And now here I am, pressuring you into sex because word around town was that you were cool and enjoyed accruing social capital. God I’m a fool. Can you forgive me?”
Every lady’s heard the same sniveling plea for sex, forgiveness, friendship, and a chance to start the pathetic cycle all over again, but have you ever thought to just do it? Look, like I said, you don’t have to do it. But you could at least try it, see what you think. That’s not so unreasonable. This is college, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned at college, it’s that trying is not the same as doing. Stop making such a big deal about this. Maybe you should just drive me home if you’re going to be like this.
Since the liminal plane containing my daughter’s soul seems to only really reach the 3900 sq. feet that make up our home, backyard, and driveway, I’ve recently begun parking the minivan in the street. I spent most nights out in the van during that first month without Cassie, though back then I was actually driving around town, sometimes until dawn. At this point, I don’t even bother bringing the keys with me, just a bottle and a book. While it’s true that I’d do just about anything to forget for a minute what has become of my once-charmed existence, there’s a lot of misunderstanding about my time out by the curb. Honestly – and this is something Dr. Towns sort of refuses to acknowledge, which has been a real point of frustration for me – the drinking isn’t meant to numb the pain. There’s no numbing this pain. There’s no muting this roaring deficit in my being. It really just comes down to this: If you’ve ever read Koontz, you know that his masterful storytelling goes hand-in-hand with a little sauce. Them’s just facts. Like I’ve told Dr. Towns over and over, Jack Daniels and Dean Koontz were my go-to duo long before my world came crashing down. I just happen to need them now more than ever. 
NONSENSE HUMOR MAGAZINE 