Your Horoscopes

By Quin Asselin

An excerpt from our latest release, The Fake News Issue.

With modern life being what it is, with it’s Twitters and Big Macs and Smartphones, and beautiful healing crystals, it’s pretty easy to get completely mixed up in the ancient trappings of astrology and all the secrets it holds. So easy, in fact, that most have never had their proper horoscope breathed all over them. Find your sign and feel my warm breath on your supple little neck sprouts!

The Craven

December 31st – ‘Til Next Year

You needn’t worry about the scorpion fish, Craven. I put that saucy little sawfish in a cage in the attic. It shan’t escape. So run freely into the eve. Take it. Take the eve and suck the sweet gelatinous matter from its bones. You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’? Vegas baby!

The Astrologer’s Children

July 4th, 1776 – The Day My Love Was Shot Dead

Pib? Barmble? What are you two still doing awake? You young lads best scuttle back into your crypt before The Dreamsmith shambles with an ambling bramble by you, Masters Pib and Barmble. Look, you two mean the world to me and I’m just trying to raise you both right. And as for your mother… nah, you know what? Just get in bed.

Beam Boy!® The Only Super Powered Beam Made Of 100% Real Boy!

The Future – The End of All Beams

Oh damn! Is that the new Apple Watch? Fuck can that thing cook turtles and shit like in the commercials? I am sooooo jealous. I would sever my left leg for one of those. Anyways, your horoscope says you should be on the lookout to receive a heavy, wet, leg-shaped parcel soon.

The Dreamsmith

When The Words Evaporate From The Pages – June 12th

Dude, can you slink into my crypt and scare my sweet sleeping baby babs? You’ll know the signal when you hear it. Thanks, I owe you dude. I’m gonna get you like a half ounce man. What? Yea of course I’m good for it, kind shit my guy.

Benjamin Devino And His Shithead Twin, Harrison

Born September 3rd, 2002 at 3:36AM and 7:26AM respectively

When are you two going to learn to grow up? You two are just havoc incarnate, ya shit melons. I mean, it’s not enough that you two financially burden your parents with your twinsmenship, but Harrison also took his sweet time strolling his way out of Mama’s baby palace. Frankly, I think you two have been living rent free long enough…

Green Pisces

Green February 19th – Green March 20th

Look Green Pisces. We get it. You’re green. You’ve really made that abundantly clear to all of us by now. Just give it a rest for a bit, okay?

The One With Inkwells For Eyes

Hoo Hoooo – Hee Heee

Click your heels. Click them. Harder. Click them hard enough for The Dreamsmith to hear. Good… Now like we discussed, weep your black satin tears. Yes, let them stain the waters below.

Catherine

You’re This Sign If Your Name Is Catherine. I Thought That’d Be Pretty Clear…

Hey Catherine, or Cathy, or hell, even Cat! Trust you’re doing alright today? I sure hope you are. But statistically, one of you is going to get hit by like, two different cars at once. So I mean… roll the bones and hope you’re lucky I guess?

The Scorpion Fish

Every Moment Of Time That “The Craven” Is Not

The conditions are perfect my sweet. I’ve readied the skies and soon the black ichor shall raindown. That foolish Craven is in Vegas tonight, getting sloshed and losing $200 dollars to a broken vending machine. You may reap what we have sought after for so long my pisciscene dream. Swim for us both.

Astrology Is Real: My Boyfriend’s Dick Looks Exactly Like The Sagittarius Bow

By TellMeUrSign1269xoxox

Yes, you read that correctly. No, I’m not going to post it. Don’t ask me about it again.

Here I was, reading my daily horoscope in the paper when I noticed it. I’m a Scorpio (and shut the fuck up before you say anything to me about that), but after dating Mitch for two weeks I thought it was about time that I begin projecting some pre-determined characteristics onto him, so I went to read his Sagittarius horoscope and there it was. I could hardly believe I hadn’t noticed it before.

Now, I’ve been into Astrology for quite some time, but I’ve never really been as committed to it as I am after this. In this new world of revelation, I know that every word of it is fucking true, and I’m freaking out.

My ex was a Cancer, and we never got around to fucking (if you must know), but you better believe I messaged her to ask if her breasts had ridges both above and below them that formed The Sign Of The Crab.

She blocked me on all forms of social media after that, but I am nothing if not resilient. I managed to track down her ex and got the details: as it turns out, she totally does look that way. It’s a little fucked up if you think about it, I guess. (but so is the bow thing? I’m not even gonna describe to you what sex is like, but don’t necessarily take that to mean that it’s all bad!)

Anyways, I’ve taken this all to mean that Astrology is 100% real. I mean, there’s no way this could ALL be a coincidence right? People always say that Astrology only works because it’s all written just broadly enough, but there’s no possible way that could explain any of this, right? Also: all of my horoscopes have been coming true.

Like last week, I was told that I’d be facing a big problem, and it happened! Turns out I have anal fissures. Monday, I was told that I’d be facing a big storm, and if you catch my drift, that big storm ejaculated all over my face. Tuesday’s just said: “You’re gonna have sex with your boyfriend’s freaky dick.” Most of my horoscopes seem to center around my boyfriend’s abnormal penis, but I’m past it. I love Mitch, and I especially love his weird cock.

And if you’re curious, here’s today’s horoscope:

“Dark clouds looms over you, Scorpio. This could involve a person in your love life, or someone with which you have been very intimate with, but it is certain that injury will come your way, and you may face certain death by impalement.”

Horoscopes By Hillary

By Hillary

An excerpt from the “Clinton Presidency” section of our issue What To Expect When You’re Electing!

Aries

You call it an independent personality; I call it a Republican filibuster in the making. Take it down a notch, reassess the situation, and grow a pair. Congress isn’t your glory hole, despite your senatorial work.

Taurus

Like my father, you are brazen, stubborn, and true. You’re deft with your hands and spin some mean fucking yarn. Embrace your identity as human capital and the doors will open for you.

Gemini

Three hops this time, and then a slide to the left. If you’re into child-proof house party jams, which you are, things will look up this week.

Cancer

“Yes. Yes, yeah, mmm, oh yeah. Yes.”

Leo

You’re on a roll this month. College campuses fear you for that slick jimmy in your pants. We’re all rolling in pain here, absolute agony. The intern from Jersey’s on fire and, like the judges, we honestly don’t know what to condemn you for this week.

Virgo

There might be some pressing issue on your mind, Virgo, that you need to get off your chest. As your astrologist I suggest unbuttoning your shirt to relieve the pressure. If your opinions still persist, start a petition.

Libra

This week, you are the embodiment of the justice system. You are the law – the judge, jury, and verdict, all in one. There are tears, Libra, falling on this paper as I write, seeping into the thousand-dollar cherry wood and priceless oval office carpeting beneath my feet. I’m mildly impressed.

Scorpio

There’s something sexy about a Scorpio sun; take it from the Scorpio herself. Stay away from poultry and gluten for a while, avoid too much ibuprophen.

Sagittarius

Career advancement is in the air. In the words of Australian hip hop artist Azalea Banks, “you can hate it or love it; hustle and the struggle is the only thing I’m trusting.”

Capricorn

Where do you usually find Capricorns? Ikea? The dentist? Subtly scented department stores? This week you’ll find yourself in the political arena, my little cornball. Buckle up and keep the memes in check for me ;^)

Aquarius

Has love got you down recently? My crystal ball says there will be relief soon, but my gut says it’s time for the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors… either way, Queen Mother Clinton’s got your back.

Pisces

The only reason Pisces exist is because Congress told the Hillar(it)y Team we couldn’t change the number of months in the year. Keep this in mind! You can veto a proposal; you can’t veto an idea.

ABOUT YOUR ASTROLOGIST

Art by Samantha Nicholson

Hillary Rodham Clinton has been an avid supporter of divination, particularly star mapping and palm reading, since the start of her political career during her sophomore year of college. As prior U.S. Senator (2001-2009) and Secretary of State (2009-2013), she’s been noted by the general astrologist community for her clear cut, no nonsense attitude concerning divination and politics: “I’m not saying palm readings are for white people; it’s just that the lines on colored hands confuse me.” As current President of the United States her goal as an astrologist is to not only involve the Hillary team in the private lives of a small percentage of citizens but relate to the people of the United States on a deeply intimate and wholesome level. “How am I to be your President if I can’t be your friend? Friends share their horoscope. Presidents become your horoscope.”

Horoscopes For The Week Of July 25th

By Jesse Saunders

Aries Mar 21- Apr 19

A fire sign through and through, Aries! The world shines brighter with you in it, your passion for life is an ever growing fire no man can put out. You will not be acquitted of those arson charges.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20

The world is your Oyster! A more adventurous social life is on the way! If you’ve been thinking about making a change now’s the time! Love is in the Air! Prepare for a new path to open up! Life is meaningless and you feel without purpose! Get ready for good news Taurus! Gather your friends and just let down your hair! Things are happening! If the news is good, it’s probably true! If you want to know how to best proceed with the glad tidings, please insert your credit or debit card number (and the 3-digit security code) below!

Gemini May 21 – Jun 20

No lie! A free psychics reading can be yours for the small price of 9.99 a minute! Find validation in the arms of our caring psychics, they know what’s happening this month, and so can you!

Cancer Jun 21 – Jul 22

Some past discretions are coming back to haunt you this month Cancer! The man you hit with your car in the summer of 2013, did survive and he knows your face. Your friends have fallen, and you don’t have the stamina to outrun a cold blooded killer, so maybe think about investing in a bike.

Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22

I don’t want to be weird about this, but I know you wore that shirt yesterday. You can totally get away with that, like I’m not judging you, but people definitely know. In other news financial aid is coming your way, so stay optimistic Leo and you’ll have new clothes and enough money to pay for a full psychic reading before you know it!

Virgo Aug 23 – Sep 22

Your patience is running low. You totally get it but no one else does! Are they crazy? What’s wrong with them? No I don’t think you’re in the wrong. No honestly they’re the ones being weird about it. I feel ya.

Can I interest you in some Amethyst? Might make ya feel better…

Libra Sep 23 – Oct 22

You owe me 30 dollars Libra, and I’m going to start charging interest. Good news though Libra if you get your shit together and start working you might be able to pay me back before we’re both in the grave.

Scorpio Oct 23- Nov 21

Get yourself tested.

Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21

The tinder date will not go well. I know he seems cute, but we both know it’s probably not worth it. Not like the stars. We are forever.

Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 19

Your ex is planning on changing their Netflix password Capricorn, you have but mere moments before you’ll lose your spot in your eighth Office rewatch binge.

Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18

Not trying to be rude or anything, but I kind of forgot you were a sign. As far as the stars are telling me, you don’t exist. Try our new “Validate my existence” package for only 19.99 and maybe the stars will become a little clearer, if you catch my meaning.

Pisces Feb 19 –Mar 20

I Have Not Forgotten.