This Year’s Music Watchlist, Unless The Diseases Under Greenland Melt And Kill Us All

By Dr. Souce

An excerpt from our latest issue, The Fake News Issue!

With every year comes new releases from the hottest artists, and perhaps ancient diseases frozen for millions of years under the humongous island of Greenland. Last year, Drake brought us Views, Beyoncé gave us Lemonade, Chance, the Rapper gave us Coloring Book, and Greenland gave us no cataclysmic diseases. Let’s dive right into the hottest albums that will be dropped this year!

1. Lorde – Melodrama – Jun 16, 2017

 

Since the young New Zealand pop-star’s 2013 debut album, Pure Heroine, people have been blasting her catchy tunes at ironic tea parties and white college clubs. The album even garnered a cover from T-Pain’s hype-man while T-Pain got paid $30,000 to sit and drink bottled water at Hofstra’s very own Music Fest. Lorde has been showing some serious potential for this new album with the release of some new singles, even if they are not as catchy as “Royals.” Global warming is also showing some serious potential in melting Greenland just enough that those world-ending diseases frozen in there may escape. Let’s hope we all die after we jam out to Lorde!

2. Spoon – Hot Thoughts – March 17, 2017

Everyone knows that one Spoon song, “Underdog,” so everyone definitely wants another full album of music from them in 2017! The band may be older, but that does not mean they cannot keep up with the young Alternative bands of today. Also on the older side (by several hundreds of thousands of years) are those diseases under the largely Inuit populated island of Greenland that are definitely going to thaw.

3. Gorillaz – TBD

This cartoon-turned-real person band has been MIA since 2012; nobody thought they were coming back, but here they are! Expect even more Snoop Dogg and more features than ever before. There is sure to be no lack of their wacky music videos either. There is also no doubt in my mind that the frozen diseases under Greenland, once thawed, are capable of wiping out 99% of the population within one year. Being frozen for so long has given them a high resistance to antibiotics and the ability to transform fast. Be sure to groove to some Gorillaz as you slowly watch your family cough blood on each other!

4. Fleet Foxes – Crack Up – June 16, 2017

We just had to include another animal-based band in this list; they just seem so plentiful these days! Fleet Foxes left their fans in the dust after their 2011 album Helplessness Blues. People thought they all died, but here they are again. They’re also gonna bring the original Seattle Folk style that fans have worshipped since their hiatus. After this album, they all will almost definitely die terribly painful deaths from those diseases under the (ironically-named) Greenland. Be sure to listen to Crack Up as you contemplate all those diseases thawing and inevitably killing you.

5. Sky Ferreira – Masochism – TBD

This might be the year of the Indie-Pop Revolution! Sky Ferreira is a fierce and edgy pop musician who always does her own thing. Her album should once again bring her angsty and edgy vibes that her fans just adore. Her porcelain-white skin will make it very difficult for doctors to notice when she has been infected by the diseases that are going to take her life sometime soon. However, it will be easy to tell when she starts coughing up the blood we are all bound to cough up eventually.

6. Trey Songz – Tremaine – TBD

Trey Songz comes out of the blue right when the world needs him. No one’s ever said “I hate Trey Songz” because everyone just sorta likes him. Maybe 2017 will be his comeback year, or maybe it will just be the year he coughs and/or cries tears, killing himself and spreading the frozen (soon to be unfrozen) Greenland diseases to others.

7. Some Country Music – Who Cares

These songs will come out in the summer, and I would not even give us until then to live. The diseases pent up in their frozen prison made-up of the largest non-continent island, Greenland, are itching to get their dirty hands on some animals, then humans. We will die before we hear the hottest country song of the year and there is no way around that.

 

2017 is sure to be a year full of new music, new experiences, and new diseases! These hot albums are sure to blow up the airways and the charts in the coming months, so be sure to start pre-ordering your copies. Also, be sure to watch out for those diseases! You may not be able to stop the apocalypse caused by them, but maybe you will be one of the 1% who is immune. Happy listening!

An Interview With The “Leather Man” Outside Au Bon Pain

By Charles Bukkake

This is Charles Bukkake reporting to you live from outside of Au Bon Pain. We’re here today with the infamous “Leather Man” who has been standing outside, shouting at innocent people simply looking to purchase their units of asiago.

“I know you guys are hiding the good shit! Why can’t you just give me what I want?!” he says, throwing small zip-lock bags full of an indiscernible orange liquid at the esteemed restaurant.

“So what exactly is your mission here, Mr. Leather?”

“This so-called ‘establishment” is hiding behind the front that is food services, when in all reality, they accept large sums of cash to beat the shit out of any willing student. Listen. I took a french class in middle school, I know what the fuck I’m talking about. ‘Au bon’ means of good. Au Bon Pain. Of good pain.”

“And you believe this is worth the effort of visiting this unassuming corner store eighty three times a week?”

“I really fucking need this, man. I want them to make me hurt so good. Why can’t they just cut the shit and punch me in the stomach? I have the meal plan points!”

“You know, we actually spoke to the owner of the widely popular mom and pop shop. He had only this to say, ‘We sell asiago. Whole bunches of it. And soup. We sell that too. We do not, however, sell beatings. These are obviously the ramblings of a delusional man who just does not have enough Hofstra pride. We’re a family owned business after all.’ Any thoughts on the matter?”

“Don’t tell me you actually believed that crusty wangus. These Long Islanders are all the same. It’s no wonder they call their team the Islanders. Look, between you and me, pal, there’s a crisp Benjamin that’s looking for a new home in your warm cloth pocket if you were to put a slide whistle in my urethra. I could even give you a second Benjamin to keep that first Benjamin company if you were to also blast an audio recording of my aunt inside of my ear drums, agitating them to the point at which they’d bleed… oh come on, we could call it the Sound of Music! What is your problem dude?”

“I…well…there will be much to discuss after this interview, sir. What’s that? Yeah, cut this bit out. Moving on. Assuming these ‘ruffians cut the shit and lick my split’ as you eloquently put it, what would you have them do?”

“I would pay top dollar for anyone who tickles my retinas with this toothbrush shank, but I’d rather have it professionally done; professionals such as these guys. Look…I really fucking need this, man, I deserve it. I’ve been so naughty. No, literally, I illegally downloaded some music back in ‘07. That’s pretty fucked up. That at least merits a good flogging, right? Please.”

“So let’s clear this up for the fans. You like pain; is that correct?”

“You know, back in the day, I used to purposely fuck up around the house so my dad would spank me. God, those were the days. No one does it like he used to. I really miss him. Like, really miss him. My wife just couldn’t match up. It’s a damn shame too, her tuna casserole wasn’t so bad, if you catch my drift.”

For the record, we did not “catch” his “drift”. This is Charles Bukkake, news at eleven.

10 Gifs That Perfectly Sum Up Whatever Trite Shit We Were Going To Write Anyway

By Zachary Johnson

Fuck the introduction, let’s just get to the gifs. You already knew what we were going to bang on about anyways.

1. This just says it all, and you agree with us.

2. For real though, doesn’t this one just erase the need for us to write anything at all?

3. You know where we’re coming from. We understand you.

 

4. We’re getting paid a whopping $2.50, the approximate price of one female condom, per article either way, so it makes no real difference how much we write. That aside, can’t we admit this is just so much better than whatever dribble we were going to write underneath this?

5. We’ve got you, boo. We know what you want. Exactly what you want.

6. Wouldn’t it be better if we were just honest about what you want? We know you’re here for the gifs. Take a look at this one. So cute, isn’t it?

7. And listen, if we were you, we would be too. If we were you, we would be here for everything and anything that you’re here for. That’s how special our connection is. Here, this one is funny.

8. Because he’s not a mermaid! Get it? And he doesn’t have breasts! Wow, Friends is such a classic.

9. Wow. What do you think is going on here? LOL.

10. Anyways, now that we’re at the end of this list I hope that we’re all in agreement that this was a much better time than whatever the hell this was going to originally be about. Have a nice day, and don’t forget to follow us on social media so we can keep relating to each other, because we are the same.Heart, mind, body, and soul. We get you. You get us. We all get each other together. Forever. And Ever. And Ever. 😀

 

 

An Open Letter To The People Of London

It’s time we all stop focusing on the negatives.

Sweeney Todd in 500 Words on April 20, 1969

An excerpt from “The ‘PC’ Issue”

Generalizations. They’re no good, right? Especially the bad ones. As fiction breeds stock characters with which to weave a narrative, non-fiction news reporting generalizes individual people to exploit for a story. Take me, for example. I, Sweeney Todd, the Honest Barber of Fleet Street, provide many goods and services to the people of the good city of London. I perform in public, I give expert shaves and haircuts, and I also help my girlfriend manage a bakery, which produces the freshest, highest quality meat pies around. Yet, the only publicity I get from the papers are barbed and intolerant criticisms.

You see, the media is obsessed with labels. “Demon,” “cannibal,” “killer.” Those kind of labels breed hatred and spread mistrust. Although my business partners and I devote endless time and energy to caring for our sweet, sweet friends and neighbors, the instant that one person loses their life, I become “The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.” Why can’t we move beyond these stereotypes? It may be true that I lure unsuspecting people into my barbershop, slit their throats, and slide them down the laundry chute into my girlfriend’s basement. But that’s not all I may or may not do. This dehumanizes me, causes me to lose business, and mostly just makes me feel sad.

If, hypothetically, I stopped “killing my customers,” maybe the media would ease off a little bit. But, how would we stay on the cutting edge of the market if I changed this essential tenet of our operation? It comes down to the principle of the thing; no one should be expected to conform to the media’s warped, unrealistic depiction of morality nowadays.

So yeah, call me what you will. With this, I, Sweeney Todd, “The Demon Barber of Fleet Street,” challenge the media to just stop noticing if I kill people. All this does is create a culture of negativity and fear, and that has nothing to do with me! What’s the point in telling people about bad things that happen? Life is hard enough as it is, believe me. Let’s just only talk about good things from now on! We can all be better than the media machine.

To the members of the media, I challenge you to write an editorial on how crisp and clean my haircuts are, rather than insinuating that I may or may not kill my patrons and bake them into pies. Obviously, no one is completely good or completely evil. Once society moves past this heinous moral binary, we can all work together to end this stereotype that plagues me and my business. Society needs to realize that barbers are people too, no matter what that sinking feeling in your gut tells you. After all, doesn’t everyone deserve to live their life in peace?

We Gender Swapped These 6 Disney Characters and Wow!

By Matthew Tanzosh

An excerpt from “The ‘PC’ Issue”

Put your hands in the air, Nonsense readers, if Sir Walter Disney is your problematic fave! Everybody? If not you need to come see me in my office immediately, to have a discussion about why you can’t feel 100% comfortable in liking the things you like. Our talented artists here at Nonsense have done a quick google search for other people’s art to show you these gender swapped disney characters to make a not entirely clear point about representation!

1. Ariel

There! Isn’t that better? Take that, gender norms!

2. Gaston

Can your fragile masculinity take it? Did we blow your mind?

3. Tiana

Okay, so like…I didn’t want to say anything before, but like…and I don’t quite know how to put this…but like…everyone’s before and afters are the same.

4. Mulan

Like I don’t want to be problematic or anything—but this is kind of a visual exercise?

5. That bird from Cinderella

No, no—of course…but like…like is it all the same down…down there too?

 

6. Aladdin

Oh! Well…Ahem…

How about those Mets, huh?

…

 

7 Sexist Things That Need To Stop

By Jesse Saunders

An excerpt from “The ‘PC’ Issue”

I don’t care how hard you work, or how much you have to pee. Sit down right now. Right now. Put down your pasta spoon. I said put it down. It’s time for all the men out there to listen up, because here are seven things that we all agree need to end.

1. Contacting all of my male relatives (dead or alive) to ask them for their blessing for marriage

The constant séances in my living room are an affront to my personhood. Men need to realize that my great-great-great-great-grand-uncle doesn’t own me, and that contacting him from beyond the grave is only acceptable when searching for his buried treasure.

2. Only allowing boys to eat the grass with their teeth when it is time for it to be cut

Everyone’s lives would be easier if all the children were allowed to eat the grass when the long grass season begins, but only boys get to join in on the fun. Letting me and my girlfriends join in on the fun is not only efficient, it’s a human right.

3. My neighbor, Todd

Todd hasn’t done anything sexist yet, but he never buys Girl Scout cookies and doesn’t know my birthday. For the better of everyone, especially me, Todd needs to stop.

4. Being addressed as “little pile” by men who are taller than me

I am a human, and in no way am a pile of dirt and despair piled into a tiny mass in an attempt to create a human. It is time once and all for us to move on and come up with a name that better represents me… “large pile” perhaps?

5. Needing to rub Ragu on my nose to ward off the evil desires of The Darkest One

Ragu is significantly more expensive than more generic brands of pasta sauce, and it’s just not in my budget to get a new jar whenever the chosen one warns of The Darkest One’s coming. Women of all shapes and sizes deserve to feel safe from evil’s whims wearing only generic brand pasta sauce.

6. Having to replace the wheels of my bike with large flowers that can only be found in the woods

The woods are frightening and I don’t like them at all! I want to be able to use a bike with wheels just like all the boys in town. The large flowers are pretty but they don’t come in a color that matches my fire engine red Huffy.

7. Assuming that I have six years of drag racing experience under my belt because I am a girl who has been drag racing for six years

It is rude to make assumptions, and I am sick and tired of men assuming I am a qualified drag racer just because I list it on my resume, and mention it in every conversation. My gender has nothing to do with my sick fucking drag racing skills.

There it is. The seven ways that our culture needs to totally find its chill. And if you disagree with these ways, I want you to delete your Facebook. I only want to receive birthday messages from strangers who I agree with politically. Your posts will be missed, GramGram.

10 Steps To Get Your Elementary School Teacher Fired

By Spencer Charlotte

An excerpt from “Nonsense 4 Kidz”

 

14% of elementary school educators get accused of sexual harassment at some point in their teaching careers. Here’s how you can get yours! Follow these ten simple steps and you too can earn a life of no homework and no worries.

1. Make eye contact

Bitches love eye contact and your teacher is definitely a bitch. Stare her down like you’re trying to see those saggy nips. Hopefully she’ll return the favor.

2. Fake an illness

“Miss Jones, my dick and berries are feeling a little sore.” Sure, she’ll be weirded out, but you’re nine and you need help.

3. Start wearing shorter and shorter clothes to school

When your mom says, “Jimmy, those are your four year old sister’s shorts,” hit her up with some gender conformity shit. Make your liberal mom feel bad for hindering your journey.

4. Spend your recess indoors 😉

5. Ask her about her recent divorce

Make sure to call her Missus Jones each time so she HAS to correct you.

6. Write her long and unnecessarily personal cards each week using the writing skills you’ve been developing in class

eCards? Hallmark? The fucking handwriting paper with the dotted lines on it? Screw that! You took hooked on phonics for christ’s sake, your mom reminds you every fucking day that she spent so much money to make you smarter than all of her friend’s kids. Call Ms. Jones the hell out for not putting you in Advanced Writing 3 and don’t forget to add as many “XOXO”s as you can fit. Hand it to her with a wink!

 

7. Act dumb so you can stick around after class

Your teacher thinks you’re a fucking idiot anyway. What’s two plus two? Seven, bitch. “Jimmy, I think you need to stay after class.” Good. I’ll stay after class. I’ll stay all night.

8. Don’t tell your parents to pick you up

Give them a vacation to Cancun to relive their college years. Someone’s gonna have to give you a ride home.

9. Take pictures of yourself

All of yourself. Use your gym stretches for inspiration.

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10. Go in for the kill

Here we are. The last step. Take all the hate you have for your teacher and march into the principal’s office. Hand in the envelope of pictures and say it’s for Miss Jones. Your principal will call a class assembly and all your classmates will verify that you’re her teacher’s pet. After all, you two are always making weird eye contact and she does always keep you for special help. After three to ten short interviews with the cops and therapists you’re on your way to getting that hot sub to fill in for the entire spring.

 

Top 5 Butts of Renaissance Sculptures

By A Straight Man

An excerpt from The Renonaissance!

5. Da Vinci’s David (David)

Nothing screams “Classic Crack” more than this pasty white ass. And is that a little taint I see? Da Vinci’s David has the perfect combination of a thirty-year-old’s face, a twenty-year-old’s body, and a 10-year-old’s ass. Does it make him legal? Who knows!

 

4. Hercules (Hercules and Cacus)

When I think, “Muscular ass” I
instantly think, “Hercules’s muscular ass.” These buns of steel might just steal your heart away. He was known to crack chestnuts with one clean rear-end-clench crush. Oh yeah. I’m talking about nutcracker butt.

 

3. Perseus (Perseus with the Head of Medusa)

Talk about a knee-popping butt enhance! It’s all about the pose with Perseus. Perseus knows he doesn’t have the greatest butt, but he sure does know how to work with what he’s got. I give most of my points to the pose here. It’s got that one cheek flex aesthetic that screams, “I wax.”

 

2. Samuel (Samuel Slaying a Philistine) 

Ambiguous much? Damn Samuel what’s happening with the guy on the other side of you? I mean who wouldn’t want some of that wide marble ass. All cold and smooth-like. Samuel has an ass that lets us know he’s definitely the “Daddy”-type and has that edgy alternative vibe that drives people crazy.

 

1. Donatello’s David (David)

Alleluia! It’s an immaculate ass. The remake can’t live up to the original David. Only 15 years old and David knows what he’s got. That shiny dark brass bottom is calling out for someone to oil it, like how the tin man cries out in the Wizard of Oz. And those knee highs. Now I know why my 87 year old grandma keeps a mini replica of this statue on the side of her bed.

Five Guys You Might Have Met On Hofstra’s Tinder

By Veronica Toone

Here’s a list of five guys you might have met on Tinder had Hofstra not decided that we were children incapable of choosing our own web content.

1. The “Mr. Fedorable”

Maybe it’s something in the way he combs the stray hairs in his neck beard, and how they’re never quite right. Or perhaps it’s the fact that his hands always have motherfucking Dorito crumbs on them, regardless of whether or not he has just eaten Doritos. Maybe it’s the stained My Little Pony t-shirt, or maybe it’s the jorts. Regardless, something about him just puts you off. He calls you beautiful, he strokes your ego; but somehow you think he’s really just stroking his metaphorical penis. He may or may not compare you to his waifu. You’re afraid to reject him, as you’re sure that he’ll either fall into a downward spiral of unmitigated depression and frustration, or he’ll go into a “friendzone” tailspin, shouting saliva-filled obscenities into his Xbox headset. Stay away from this guy. Film major.

TYPICAL TINDER NAME: Young Master Kyle (Xx_Underdog2395_xX)

TYPICAL PROFILE PIC: Sitting on his computer chair, fedora tilted at a seductive angle. Usually clutching a rose.

 

2. The “My Dad’s Paying in Full”

He’s willing to buy you dinner. But don’t count yourself too lucky: he was willing to pay for his whole building to install AC units in the rooms so he wouldn’t be too hot. His car costs more than your soul and he would never brag about it, though the blazer entirely made out of $100 bills says more than enough. Accounting major.

TYPICAL TINDER NAME: Scott J. Bronson III

TYPICAL PROFILE PIC: Standing next to some politician with a thumbs-up and a goofy grin, as though some potential employer will see it and actually care.

 

3. The “Weedwhacker”

Once a promising individual, this man stumbled into a Supreme store on accident and never left. It’s likely that any day, either his lungs or the muscles in his right arm will simply stop working, but somehow he powers through. He wears a bucket hat to hide his hair loss, and though you’ll have a special place in his heart, his smoking/jerking arm will always precede his love for you. Fucked his bong once on accident. Or was it? Business major.

TYPICAL TINDER NAME: Based Gavin

TYPICAL PROFILE PIC: A blurry picture of what appears to be a young man, with a quote underneath it that reads, “You must love yourself before you love others.”

 

4. The “Giuseppe”

An overused meme of a human. He makes “The Situation” look diffused. A true Long Island fanatic, he’s really from Superior, Nebraska, and thinks this is how all Long Islanders behave. Was featured in several episodes of The Jersey Shore as a wasted extra. Most likely has the Italian flag emoji in his description. Likes a finger in the ass, but not too far: any more than two inches is gay.

TYPICAL TINDER NAME: Paulyyyyyy 😉

TYPICAL PROFILE PIC: A Day-Glo orange man with an NWA cap worn on the side, standing in front of a mirror without a shirt on. His lips say “kiss me” but his eyes say “help.”

 

5. The “Brainwashed” Democrat

Trying way too hard to be normal, this young gentleman comes from a family where tattoos are bad and casual human sex is right up there with fucking Hitler’s severed head in public.  Possibly suffering from serious mental trauma, the “Brainwashed” Democrat won the “Most Likely to be Hiding a Naked Dead Girl in His Trunk” award in high school. He’s been backpacking since he was four, and secretly promised himself to get as crunk as possible in the first few months of freshman year. Political science major.

TYPICAL TINDER NAME: Tom

TYPICAL PROFILE PIC: A young man standing alone in front of a statue of an unimportant historical figure. Sometimes he’s smiling, but mostly he’s showing the true pain he feels inside.

 

7 Cool Snapbacks You Need In Your Closet

By Ashley Vernola

Sometimes I wake up and wonder, “Maybe I need more snapbacks in my life”, so I did some soul searchin’ and here’s what I came up with.

http://www.lids.com/NCAA/North-Carolina-Tar-Heels/20773751

Do you ever feel like Red from That 70’s Show, and just really wanna stick your foot up someone’s ass? Well, the North Carolina Tar Heels are for you, and here’s the perfect to match. The baby blue color will bring you enough attention to distract the person whose ass you wanna stick your foot up, and there’s your chance. It’s a decoy and a fashionable hat: two birds, one stone.

http://www.lids.com/NCAA/Oregon-Ducks/20773766

Man, don’t you just wonder what the most obnoxious shade of yellow is? The Oregon Ducks have it for you with this snapback. Be the life of the party and turn up by blinding your fellow party goers with this hat. If you ever fear that you’re going to get hit crossing the street at night, never fear anymore as this hat makes you visible from a whole 40 FEET AWAY. That’s incredible, and for only $30.00, I think it’s worth it.

http://www.lids.com/YUMS/20795073

This hat is by a company called YUMS, and it is indeed yummy. Did you think that girls couldn’t do snapbacks? Man, are you wrong. The pink and purple trim just screams feminine, and that winky face emblem screams, “I’m available, fuckboys.” The camo also gives it a sense of earthiness, because any girl who wears this is just not like those other girls and needs the world to know, and I support them.

http://www.lids.com/Star-Wars/20789950

Ah yes, for the rare snapback wearing Star Wars fan. I forgot these existed. When you thought your excitement for the new movie as well as the old movies wasn’t quite satisfied by your Star Wars™ t-shirts, sweatpants, socks, cape, Darth Vader mask, endless amount of Pop! Figures, and any collectable figurine you can find, this snapback is on the verge of edgy, cool, and nerdy. It’s totally in right now.

http://www.lids.com/NASCAR/Jeff-Gordon/20792680

This reminds me of the people I knew in Northern NJ who tried to drag race in their shitty beat up Chevy’s. They would drag race on the one stretch of straight road we had and skid out at the end. They most likely wore this hat, and thought they were whoever this Gordon person was in the process. So if this fits you, this hat is yours.

http://www.lids.com/NHL/Anaheim-Ducks/20803245

Remember those scene girls in middle school that would change the shoelaces of their beat up Converse or Vans in order to make them fluorescent colors and show off just how scene they were? This snapback allows for an even better opportunity for shoelace creative expression. It’s a hat with shoelaces. Show off your love for [insert sport team here] and try not to block out your mom’s voice in your head reminding you to “tie your laces, Jimmy”. Don’t fall short in getting some show stopping attention.

http://www.lids.com/NHL/San-Jose-Sharks/20795459

This one is probably my favorite. When I thought these snapbacks couldn’t get any better, this one is plaid. Hipsters, get ready, you can wear this to alternate with your daily flannel. “I just can never have enough flannel in my life, and on the days where my flannel is in the dirty laundry pile in the corner of my room after being worn for 5 days in a row, I now have another option,” says a satisfied customer.